Page 12 of Anxious Hearts

Chapter Twelve

Kelly was bone-tired, the way she always was at the end of a shift.

She scuffed her feet as she trudged out of the hospital.

She’d perk up after a shower and something to eat but getting to that point felt like trekking across the Nullarbor.

She unlocked her car and tossed her bag into the back.

Just as she was about to dip into the driver’s seat, she heard her name.

‘Kelly! Kelly!’

She didn’t recognise the voice but, when Kelly looked up, it was Juliana who was shouting across the underground car park. The communications adviser was running towards her and waving a piece of paper above her head.

What now? Kelly wished she’d made it out five minutes earlier.

Juliana arrived at the car, her chest heaving against her tight black dress.

‘You might want to think about active wear next time you go for a run,’ Kelly said with a smile.

‘You fucking nailed it,’ Juliana gasped.

Kelly flinched. Despite being a prolific swearer herself, it was like a slap across the face to hear it from Juliana in place of a greeting. But it also made Kelly begin to like the unpredictable communications adviser.

‘Nailed what?’

Juliana slid the piece of paper across the roof of Kelly’s car. Kelly trapped it with her palm and picked it up. It was a typed, double-sided A4 page. She read the headline and subhead: Compassion, Courtesy and Care: How one young doctor is turning bedside manner on its head.

‘Fuck,’ Kelly whispered.

‘I know, right?’ Juliana said.

Kelly read on. Evan had painted her as a kind, considerate and exceptionally skilled doctor. He even went as far to say that the reputation of the medical system was being slowly shifted, one doctor at a time, with Kelly at the forefront of a new breed of young healthcare professionals.

‘He’s basically sainted you,’ Juliana said.

Kelly’s gut churned and her face grew hot.

It was embarrassing to read such effusive words of praise, and she knew this would make her a target of derision among her exam cohort.

Some would be good-natured, others would be gunning to bring her down, jealous of her favoured status and improved job prospects.

But that didn’t bother her. She could handle jealous fuckwits – she’d been dealing with them all her life. Her gut churned for a different reason. An unfamiliar reason.

When she read Evan’s words, she felt valued. Appreciated. Recognised. She felt like she was doing enough.

Kelly was mortified at the sting in her eyes that signalled the onset of tears. She quickly wiped them away and looked up at Juliana, who was beaming like a proud parent at a school concert.

‘It’s brilliant publicity for the hospital. Now that nobody gives a shit about COVID, journos have stopped writing about us. This will switch the dial back in our favour.’

‘When will it be published?’ Kelly asked.

‘This Sunday. Print and online. The photographer’s coming out on Friday.’ Juliana waved her hands vaguely in Kelly’s direction and grimaced. ‘So do something interesting with your hair and maybe wear a bit of makeup.’

‘Doesn’t that undermine the whole point of this exercise?’ Kelly said. ‘It’s not a beauty contest.’

Juliana rolled her eyes. ‘It’s not a dichotomy, Kelly. You’re allowed to be hot and smart, you know.’ She shrugged. ‘I mean, look at me. Everyday genius and basically a supermodel.’

Kelly laughed. ‘All right. Foundation and mascara, but no lipstick.’

Juliana cocked her head. ‘Lip balm?’

‘Okay.’

‘Coloured lip balm?’

‘That’s lipstick.’

‘All right, I’ll meet you halfway with lip gloss. Just don’t go over the top. We don’t want a bunch of thirteen-year-old boys flooding the hospital system with blue balls.’

Kelly snorted. ‘Well, I’ve held up my end of the bargain, so my work here is done. Don’t take this the wrong way, Juliana, but I hope I never see you again.’

Juliana smiled at Kelly with pity in her eyes and Kelly’s stomach dropped.

‘Kelly,’ Juliana said ominously. ‘I just became your new best friend.’

***

At her Sunday-evening study group, Kelly had mixed feelings about the fact that nobody had mentioned the article. On the one hand, it was a relief not to have to talk about it. She’d been doing that all day.

Her mum, though thrilled with the trophy piece, felt betrayed that Kelly had not told her about it in advance.

To learn of it in a text message from one of her friends before she’d even opened the paper was tantamount to high treason on Kelly’s part.

Before she could have the prize usurped by any of her other frenemies, June O’Mara had posted the article, pictures of her reading the article and pictures of Kelly as a child next to her photo in the article on her Facebook page.

Then she’d taken screenshots of it all and flooded Kelly’s phone with text messages because Kelly wasn’t on social media.

She considered it a complete waste of fucking time.

As a result, Kelly had been fielding calls, messages and emails since the moment she awoke. It had been maddening and so disruptive that she’d turned off her phone and disconnected from wifi just so she could prepare her answers for tonight’s study group.

So when she’d arrived and it was clear none of the team had even read the article, Kelly had felt an unexpected sense of disappointment.

She hadn’t wanted to be in the paper. She hadn’t wanted to be profiled.

And, yet, it had been oddly satisfying to spend a day receiving nothing but praise.

She had hoped to enjoy the experience with the closest thing she had to friends in the medical community, but her triumph was not theirs, and they were focused on the study, as she should have been.

‘Inherited mutations in RUNX1 cause familial platelet disorder with predisposition to acute myeloid leukemia,’ Raj said.

They all looked to Eli, who was supposed to confirm whether Raj was correct. But he was staring blankly into the distance.

‘Eli,’ Raj said. ‘Am I right?’

Eli shook his head. ‘Sorry, Raj. I was miles away. You know what I was thinking about?’

‘Why you’re wasting our time not thinking about the exam?’ Kelly said.

‘Close. But no. I was thinking about what I’d be if I wasn’t a doctor.’

Kelly sighed.

‘I like this game,’ Raj said. ‘Joyce, you go first.’

‘Wait, wait, wait,’ Kelly said, raising her hands. ‘We’re not on a break. We don’t have time for this.’

Joyce stared straight at her. ‘I’d be a traffic light.’

‘Sorry, what?’ Eli said.

‘I’d be a traffic light,’ Joyce repeated.

‘You can’t be a traffic light. You’re a human.’

‘You didn’t specify those parameters.’

Eli grinned.

Joyce looked back at Kelly. ‘A traffic light has one job with three options. And it doesn’t even have to make up its own mind.’

Kelly knew when she was beaten. This break was happening whether she liked it or not. And the thought of Joyce as a traffic light did make her smile.

Eli nodded appreciatively. ‘Excellent choice. Now that inanimate objects are in play, it’s your turn, Raj.’

‘I’d be a dart,’ Raj answered without hesitation.

‘Like a dart you throw at a board?’ Amber said.

‘Exactly.’

‘But you wouldn’t do anything.’

‘Exactly! But you’re still part of the victory if you hit the bullseye.’

‘That makes absolutely no sense at all, but I love it,’ Eli said, his eyes alight.

They were all chuckling now and Amber didn’t even wait to be asked. ‘I’d be the mechanical arm of a rubbish truck. One job, super powerful. So satisfying.’

Everybody laughed.

‘And you, Kelly?’ Raj said.

She thought for a moment. Something repetitive. Soothing. But still functional. ‘A tumble dryer.’

They laughed even louder. Eli shook his head. ‘You want to spin other people’s wet underpants around all day long?’

‘Fair point. Ryan Gosling’s tumble dryer, then.’

Eli screwed up his face in mock disgust. ‘That’s disgusting. He’s like a hundred.’

‘I’m with you, Kelly,’ Amber said. ‘I’d be there for that.’

‘What about you, then, Eli?’ Kelly said with a challenging smirk.

‘I’d be a GPS system. To have all that knowledge and be able to get people to their destinations would be extremely satisfying.’ The room went silent. Eli sighed with satisfaction.

Raj leaned forward. ‘That is the lamest shit I have ever heard.’

This triggered explosive laughter that continued so long, Kelly recognised this was more than just a reaction to a few stupid jokes that weren’t even that funny – this was an outpouring of stress.

A purging of anxiety. And, in some little way, a desperate cry for help.

Kelly herself was on a knife edge. She knew the laughter could turn to tears of desperation in a heartbeat.

This bloody exam . It’s turning me into a complete nutcase.

She stood up and wiped her eyes. ‘I need a drink,’ she said, still chuckling.

They’d been to Joyce’s apartment so many times, Kelly felt comfortable heading into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water.

She took a moment to gather herself, expelled the last of her laughter and sucked in a deep breath. Time to get back to work.

When she re-entered the lounge room, she nearly dropped her glass.

Eli, Raj, Amber and Joyce were all sitting where she had left them, but their faces were obscured by cut-outs of Kelly’s own face.

They’d blown up the picture from the paper, stuck them to cardboard and attached them to sticks, which they held like Venetian masks.

Amber’s chest shuddered with suppressed laughter and Kelly could hear Raj gagging on his held breath as he tried to stay composed.

A wave of joy washed over her as unexpected as her enjoyment of the day of adulation, but she played it cool. ‘Very funny,’ she said.

They all burst out laughing and dropped their masks.

‘Can I have your autograph?’ Joyce said with a cheeky smile.

Eli stood up and shimmied to her side. ‘May I have a selfie please, Dr O’Mara?’

Kelly batted him away. ‘Stop being ridiculous.’

But he wouldn’t stop. Instead, he put his arm around her shoulder, leaned in and extended his other arm. The phone screen had them both in the frame and Kelly turned her head and stuck her tongue out at him as his phone clicked.

Eli drew away from her and held his camera in front of him as though he was admiring a Rembrandt. ‘The future of medicine and highly photogenic,’ he said.

Kelly leaned over to see his screen. Eli was smiling as though he’d just been awarded a Fellowship and she was sticking her tongue out like a petulant toddler. It was a cute photo. Stupid and pointless, but cute.

‘Delete that immediately,’ she said.

‘No chance. I’m sending it to the paper. It’ll be great for the follow-up piece on Dr Incredible.’

Kelly shook her head in mock despair. ‘Do you think we could get back to studying for this exam? You know, the one in two weeks’ time that will determine the trajectory of our lives.’

‘Way to kill a mood,’ Joyce said.

They settled back into their routine of asking and answering assigned questions. Kelly took it as seriously as ever, interrogating her study mates for more precise details and pushing them to ask her for more, but she could feel the slight, involuntary upturn of her lips as she spoke.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been unable to wipe the smile from her face.

***

Kelly and Eli walked along the footpath. ‘You round the corner?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, there was no parking out front.’

Eli carried his satchel and Kelly hugged her laptop and books to her chest.

‘That was fun tonight,’ Eli said.

‘Study group is always fun.’

‘Even you don’t believe that.’

‘No, but if you say something enough, eventually it’ll become true, right?’

Eli began muttering under his breath. The same sound over and over.

Kelly strained to understand his words. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Repeating something I want to come true.’ He had that goofy grin again.

Without breaking stride, Kelly shot him a look that said: I know where this going . ‘I’m not even going to ask,’ she said.

They rounded the corner and Kelly saw that Eli’s car was parked directly behind hers. ‘Coincidence?’ she said.

‘Not at all. I was waiting at the other end of the street since six o’clock this morning. As soon as you had parked and left your car, I pulled up behind you.’

Kelly laughed, opened the passenger door and put her books on the seat.

Eli hovered on the nature strip. ‘All jokes aside,’ he said. ‘That really was a great article. It captured just how incredible you are, Kelly.’

She felt her cheeks flush and looked down at her feet.

Eli placed a gentle hand under her chin and lifted her face so she could see his. He took a step forwards. She didn’t move.

He began to whisper: ‘Kelly will kiss me again. Kelly will kiss me again. Kelly will kiss me again.’ He kept repeating it right up until their lips touched and even then, once more.

His lips tickled hers as he spoke and she soaked in the sensation of warmth that ran all through her body. She opened her mouth a fraction and nudged her tongue gently against his own.

There was a thudding sound and they were suddenly disentangled as Eli yelled: ‘Owwww!’ He hopped on one foot, his satchel lying on the grass by his other foot. It had come loose from his shoulder and landed on his toes.

Kelly walked round to the driver’s side of her car. ‘You should get that looked at,’ she said.

He shook his head slowly. ‘You have no heart, you know that? I take back every nice thing I said about you.’

‘Really?’

He stopped hopping and grinned. ‘No, not really.’

Kelly slid into the driver’s seat, started the engine and wound down the passenger window. She leaned across to look up at him. ‘Goodnight, Eli.’

‘Goodnight, Kelly,’ he said, his eyes like saucers.

She let the handbrake off and put the car into drive.

Just as she was about to accelerate, Eli stuck his head through the open window. ‘Wait,’ he said. ‘That thing you said about making something come true. It worked.’

‘No, it didn’t.’

Eli screwed up his face in confusion. ‘But I said I wanted you to kiss me again.’

‘Exactly,’ Kelly said. She started winding up the window.

Eli backed away, his hands raised in question.

Kelly stopped the window three-quarters of the way up, pulled away from the kerb, and called back to the big dope: ‘You kissed me!’