Page 53 of Anxious Hearts

Kelly almost felt like it was going to be okay.

She looked deep into her own eyes as she brushed her teeth, the bathroom mirror still slightly fogged up from her shower.

Finn was here. She was safe. Melbourne was so far away.

If she stared hard enough, she could almost see herself as confident and prepared and ready to smash this exam to pieces.

But then her memory talked and she conjured up the cafe, the storming out, the assaults on strangers’ phones.

She saw the article, not yet published, that Michael would read.

And she felt the hot sting of shame and disgrace on her face as the Society Board withdrew her accreditation and threw her on the scrap heap.

The foaming toothpaste bubbled over her bottom lip and she spat it into the sink. Her mouthwash stung as she swirled it around, her burning tongue a kind of penance for every foolish word she had spoken. Every outburst, insult and denial.

The hotel room was large and had two single beds. Finn was lying on top of his sheets with his clothes on, legs crossed at the ankles, hands intertwined behind his head.

‘Aren’t you going to sleep?’ Kelly asked.

‘Not yet. Might just watch a bit of TV. I’ve hooked up the Bluetooth on my AirPods, so it won’t keep you awake.’

Kelly sat on Finn’s bed. She was wearing an old grey T-shirt and underpants. Her bare legs were cool on the sheets. She stroked Finn’s forehead. ‘You look tired.’

‘I’m okay.’

‘Don’t stay up too late, okay?’

Finn smiled. It was strained and he had that haunting look of a hunted prey in his eyes again. A little too wild. A little too startled. A little too scared. His arms were bony and his stomach was concave beneath his T-shirt. Kelly was sure she’d be able to see his ribs through the skin.

‘I’m sorry, Finn.’

‘What for?’

‘For letting you get like this.’

Finn looked at her with eyes full of desperation.

‘What is it?’ she said.

And for a moment, just a moment, it looked like he was about to tell her something. Something that would change everything. A confession, perhaps. Instead, he smiled with one half of his mouth and put his hand on her shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about me, Kel. Just pass your exam tomorrow. That’s all you have to do.’

Kelly’s throat constricted. Her eyes moistened.

‘Just one more day, old friend. Just hold on for one more day.’ She leaned down to kiss his forehead and his comforting, familiar smell overwhelmed her.

How easy it would be to fall into his embrace.

To press her body against his own as though they were one entity.

Kelly and Finn, the warriors who would take on the world together.

But she couldn’t. It was probably more dangerous now than ever. So she stood up, crossed to her own bed and slipped under the sheets with her back to him. ‘Goodnight, Finn,’ she whispered.

‘Goodnight, Kel.’

Despite all the pressure of her past, present and future, Kelly fell immediately into the death-like embrace of exhausted sleep. She was sinking within a breath, drowning within two and completely submerged within three. There were no dreams. Only darkness.