Page 35 of Anxious Hearts

Ashley stood on the other side, her face a mask of anguish, tears rolling down her cheeks. She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his naked torso. ‘Damn it, Finn, why didn’t you answer me? I called you a dozen times and hammered on your door. What the hell is going on?’

Finn closed his eyes and held her. Inhaled the scent of her. Felt the warmth of her. Bathed in the colour she brought back to the world. ‘I’m sorry, Ash,’ he whispered. ‘But there’s something I need to tell you.’

***

Ashley sat quietly alongside Finn as he did his best to explain the inexplicable.

The spiralling thoughts, the catastrophising, the crippling anxiety.

The hatred, at its core, of his very self.

‘That’s why I left the other night,’ he said.

‘I panicked. It wasn’t about choosing Kelly over you.

It was about trying to find a way out of the whirlwind. ’

Ashley swallowed and cleared her throat. ‘And did you find a way out?’ Her voice was weak. Raspy. ‘Did Kelly show you the way?’ She bit hard on her bottom lip.

Finn thought of Kelly on her kitchen floor, running the knife along her thigh. Then telling him they had to be apart. ‘No,’ he said simply. ‘She didn’t.’

Ashley let out a long breath and took Finn’s hand. Her bare knee touched the skin of his own and sent a warm thrill along his thigh. ‘So how did you get through the past two days? How could you have auditioned like that?’

‘It’s my escape,’ Finn said. ‘When I’m someone else, nothing else matters.’

‘Not even me?’ Ashley whispered.

Finn squeezed her hand. ‘It’s not like that. I just get to escape for a little while.’

Ashley nodded. ‘Okay. I don’t really understand but I want to help you.’

Finn tried to smile. ‘Thank you.’

She looked into his eyes. He looked away.

‘Can I ask you something?’

Finn looked back at her. Her eyes were uncertain. ‘Yes,’ he said simply.

‘Is all this why you haven’t slept with me?’

Finn thought about lying. But what was the point now? He’d laid it all out. One more layer of madness wouldn’t make a difference. ‘Yes. The potential for harm is just too high.’

Ashley cocked her head. ‘I don’t understand. If it’s something we both want, how can you possibly harm me?’

Finn sighed. She really had no idea what it was like to be in his head. But he couldn’t blame her for that. Nobody truly did. ‘What if you get pregnant?’

‘Well, that’s always a risk, but we can mitigate against it. Almost to the point of it being no risk at all.’

Finn nodded. ‘What if we have sex and then, when you leave my place, you go to the shopping centre and on the way there you get hit by a car and the accident paralyses you for life?’

Ashley’s eyes widened. Her lips moved but there were no words.

Finn pressed on. ‘Or what if, by having sex today, let’s say, my …

contribution—’ he couldn’t actually bring himself to say the word, ‘—well, what if by it being released, it creates a chain reaction whereby it interrupts the way that life was meant to go, and a later contribution then creates a child that should have been created by an earlier contribution and the one that is created is an evil human? Then I’ve created a monster all because I followed a selfish impulse to have sex. ’

Ashley’s mouth formed a perfect circle. Her narrowed eyes moved back and forth, as though she was rereading the words Finn had just spoken. ‘Are you talking about your sperm?’

Finn clenched his teeth. This was torture. ‘Yes. And I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it.’

‘So . . . are you . . . a virgin?’

‘No. I’ve had times when it hasn’t been this bad and I’ve been able to control my thoughts.

But when I have a lot going on all at once, I don’t have the reserves to rein in the anxiety.

It just completely overwhelms me.’ He dropped his head into his hands and screwed his eyes shut, ashamed at his emasculating weakness.

He genuinely expected to hear her receding footsteps. Hear the door open and close. To be alone in the silence of his black and white apartment. He was surprised to feel her warm fingertips on his cheeks.

‘You poor thing,’ Ashley whispered. ‘It must be so exhausting carrying all this weight.’

Finn opened his eyes. ‘Yes,’ he croaked, tears stinging the back of his eyes. ‘Yes, it’s awful, Ash. So awful.’

She reached out and drew his head to her shoulder. Finn nuzzled into her collarbone as she stroked his hair. ‘It’s all right, Finn,’ she whispered. ‘I’ll help you. We can do this together.’

Finn closed his eyes and, for the first time since he was eleven years old, dared to believe that somebody other than Kelly might be his salvation.

It was an unbearable combination of relief and betrayal.

***

‘Wait here,’ Ashley said. ‘I’ll only be a minute.’

Finn watched her walk out of his apartment. He could feel the charge through his body, the unspent energy, the involuntary tensing of his muscles. The constant threat hanging over his head that everything could fall apart at any minute.

Ashley returned with a bottle of water, which she placed on the coffee table in front of Finn. She sat and held up a small pill between her thumb and forefinger. ‘Take this.’

‘What is it?’

‘A benzo.’

‘A what?’

‘It’s a relaxant. Helps calm you down.’

‘Why do you have it?’

‘Don’t worry about that. Just take it. Trust me.’

Did Finn trust her? She hadn’t done anything so far to make him doubt her. And he trusted Kelly. She’d given him a drug that wasn’t prescribed to him and that hadn’t killed him. She’d also turned her back on him, so Ashley was the only one left who actually wanted to help.

But it would be wrong to take this drug. It was wrong to break the rules. Could Finn break the rules if it would lift this unbearable weight, even just for a little while?

Why not? Everybody else did. And they thrived. While Finn died slowly every day.

‘Maybe I should go to a doctor and get them to prescribe it to me?’

‘They won’t,’ Ashley said. ‘Not for anxiety, anyway. They’ll make you see a psychologist first. Get a mental health assessment.

That could take weeks and you’ll only end up here anyway.

If that’s what you want to do, fine. Go through the process.

But why wouldn’t you help yourself now if you could? ’

She was probably right. Finn had investigated the idea of a psychologist a few years ago at Kelly’s urging, but he just hadn’t been able to bring himself to bare his soul to a complete stranger.

He knew they’d want to talk about his dad and his mum, and that would be a betrayal of them both.

We don’t talk about our family business outside the family , his mother had told him.

And Finn knew that extended to paid professionals, even if they were obliged to keep patients’ details confidential.

Once the words were spoken, there was no way to take them back – the knife in his parents’ back could never be removed.

‘I don’t want to see a psychologist,’ Finn said.

‘Then, please, Finn, take it. I can’t stand to see you hurting like this.’

Finn picked up the small pill in one hand and the glass of water in the other. His heart was pounding. This was wrong, but he’d reached the end of his endurance. Driving Kelly away had drained the final reserves of his strength and resistance. He had to do this. He couldn’t end up like his dad.

He swallowed the pill.