Page 2 of Anxious Hearts

Chapter Two

Michael was trying to remain calm, but Kelly could see the pulsating veins in his throat. ‘I’ve received another complaint about your behaviour.’ Despite his veins, Michael’s old brown eyes remained kind above his mask. ‘Kelly, what happened with the paramedic last Friday?’

So that’s it. Kelly hadn’t thought about that prick again in the week that had passed. She wondered if the gutless coward had complained straight away or mulled on it until his manhood was so maligned that he just had to seek vengeance.

She stared at the nameplate on Michael’s desk: Professor Michael Liu, Head of Paediatric Medicine.

It was an enviable title unsuited to his utilitarian office: a desk, two chairs and nothing on the walls to brighten it up.

Not like the children’s rooms on the wards, which were decorated with paintings and murals imbued with fun and joy the patients did not feel.

Kelly looked up at Michael and took a deep breath. ‘Well, he made the complaint. What did he say?’

Michael drew his eyebrows together in a scowl and rubbed his hand over his bald head as though he still had hair to pull out. ‘That you were unprofessional and your conduct was unbecoming.’

Kelly snorted. ‘Is he kidding? That jerk questioned my judge-ment in front of a patient. You want to talk about unprofessional?’

‘What did you say to him?’

‘He didn’t tell you?’

Michael shook his head. ‘It was an informal complaint.’

‘Then why are we even talking about it?’

Michael’s eyebrows came together again.

‘Sorry. Okay, so after he challenged my competence in front of a patient and her family, which is highly unprofessional—’

Michael tapped his fingers on the table. ‘Get to the point, Kelly.’

‘I told him that having a penis didn’t make him omniscient.’

Michael chuckled and shook his head.

‘I’m sorry,’ Kelly said. ‘But the guy was an arsehole. You should have seen the way he looked at me.’

‘Not every man you meet is a misogynist, Kelly.’

‘No. Just the ones in medicine.’

The mirth left Michael’s eyes. ‘I can’t have my junior doctors abusing other staff.’

Kelly leaned forwards, ready to launch. ‘But I told you—’

Michael raised a hand. ‘Let me finish.’

She sat back in her chair. Michael tilted his head and looked at her with something like fondness. Kelly looked away.

‘You’re a brilliant doctor, Kelly. But there’s more to medicine than brilliance. And this is the second complaint against you in as many months.’

‘Never from patients or their families.’

‘No, just from the people who are part of your team. The people you work alongside. The people whose help and support you will need for the rest of your career.’

‘I don’t need them, Michael. They need me.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong. Being a junior doctor is about clinical skills.

Being a consultant is about relationships.

Who’s going to give you a job? Who’s going to refer patients to you in private practice?

You may be brilliant, but if you alienate everybody, you’ll be lucky to even have a job – and you’ll never get this nameplate. ’

Kelly felt heat prickle on her skin. She had never told anybody about her ambition to be head of the department.

‘One more incident and you’ll lose my endorsement.’

Kelly sucked in a deep breath. She felt tears sting at her eyes. She swallowed hard. ‘I know I can go too far sometimes. I’m sorry.’

‘Sorry isn’t enough. No more outbursts, no more smart remarks. Just do your job and focus on passing your exam, okay?’

She nodded. Just do my job, she thought.

It’s the only thing I know how to do .

***

Kelly was exhausted. Her legs felt like they were filled with cement as she trudged around the supermarket aisles.

The buzz in her head and the churning in her guts had worsened through the afternoon shift.

It was like that more and more these days.

The headache she couldn’t shake. The stomach pain that persisted no matter what she ate.

She hated grocery shopping. It was such a waste of her time – time that could be better spent revising, preparing, learning. She’d tried online delivery, but they always fucked up the order or delivered the cold bags in a lukewarm fug. Unacceptable.

Relieved to find a checkout that had only one other customer – some guy with a small amount left to be scanned and packed – she began to lay out her items on the conveyor belt, bottles and boxes first, so they’d go back into the bottom of the trolley and not crush the more delicate items.

She steadily unloaded as the conveyor belt created space but, when she still had a handful of items left, the belt abruptly stopped. Kelly looked up at the cashier, a young woman who was taking a swig from a bottle of water. The man had disappeared. Kelly’s shoulders and neck tightened.

‘What’s going on?’

‘He forgot something,’ the cashier – Daisy, according to her name tag – said. Daisy looked bored, which was fair enough, but where was this man who had forgotten something? Kelly had been waiting at least a minute now – how long could it take to grab one forgotten item and get back to the register?

The conveyor belts on the registers on either side continued to roll. The scanners continued to beep. Bags continued to be packed. Yet she was trapped with the bulk of her groceries already committed and no way to keep things moving.

Kelly clenched her jaw. Her shoulders crept towards her ears. Her breath was shallow in her chest. Another minute passed. Then another. She watched a drip run down the side of her milk carton. Clenched her fists. There was pain behind her eyes.

Then the man returned and when Kelly saw what was in his arms, the pressure that had been building in her body threatened to blow her apart.

The selfish bastard was carrying a packet of toilet paper, two bags of chips, a carton of eggs and a bag of apples; wildly unrelated items that he would have had to gather from all ends of the supermarket.

She locked eyes with him as he approached the belt. He was tall and wore the perpetually conceited expression of the middle-aged man.

‘Sorry,’ he muttered without a trace of sincerity.

‘ Sorry? ’ Kelly said. There were sparks of pain at her temples. ‘What makes you so special that the rest of us have to wait while you go back and finish your shopping? Why is your time more valuable than mine?’

‘Calm down, missy. I was only gone a few minutes.’

Kelly felt her heart pounding as though it were trying to escape. ‘Ever heard of the self-checkout? You forget something, you go back after you’ve paid for your first lot. Then the rest of us don’t have to wait on you. It’s called common courtesy.’

The man sniggered and looked at Kelly’s trolley. ‘Hope you’ve got tampons in there.’

Kelly’s hands shook. Pain thundered at the back of her skull. She opened the egg carton the man had placed on the conveyor belt and took an egg in each hand.

‘You like eggs, motherfucker?’ She threw the eggs in a looping arc at his chest.

His eyes opened wide, startled, but he responded quickly, positioning himself to catch the eggs against his body.

Kelly threw two more at him.

‘What are you doing, you crazy bitch?!’ he roared as he danced from side to side to catch the curving missiles.

Then Kelly lunged and slammed her palms against his hands. The pressure knocked him backwards, but he held his ground as all four eggs cracked against his chest and the yolk ran down his shirt and onto his shoes.

Kelly watched in triumph. The sound of her racing heart pounded in her ears. Her hands continued to shake and the trembling ran up her arms and into her shoulders and down her spine. Her whole body shuddered and a sudden terror choked her throat.

She sprinted through the supermarket and out into the car park. She unlocked her car’s doors, gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles and started the engine.

Kelly drove three blocks before the tears that filled her eyes made it impossible to see. She sat there, still gripping the wheel, sobbing silently. Her chest heaved, her shoulders shook and her head ached with the power of a thousand screams.

‘Fuck,’ she whispered. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’