Page 43 of Anxious Hearts
‘Let’s troll them.’
‘We’re not trolling them.’
‘Come on, it’ll be fun!’
Kelly shook her head at Toula. ‘You’re supposed to be comforting me in the wake of my latest relationship breakdown and career disaster.’
‘Exactly. And what is more comforting than trolling Finn and Sophia Loren with fake Instagram accounts?’
‘We’re not trolling them.’
Toula sighed and rolled her eyes. She sat on the couch next to Kelly and handed her a glass of red wine.
‘Should you be drinking when you’re breastfeeding?’
‘I was pumping my norgs all day. Expressed enough wine-free milk to feed a herd. I understand now why cows always sound like they’re depressed.’ She impersonated the long, low moo of a mother cow.
Kelly laughed, then drank. She closed her eyes as though the red wine could wash away all the pain. Even if only for a night.
‘Just one comment on their latest photo?’ Toula said.
‘Absolutely not.’
‘You’re so lame. This is not my idea of a fun night out.’
‘You’re not out. You’re in my apartment.’
‘I’m out of the clutches of my seven and a half-month-old son, Kelly. Believe me, this is the best night out of my life.’
Kelly sighed. ‘I wish I could say the same thing.’
Toula leaned over and rubbed Kelly’s leg. ‘Don’t be so dramatic, Kel. Nothing has changed. You’ll still do your exam. You’ll still be brilliant. You’ll still be the doctor you dreamed of.’
‘I never dreamed of being a doctor in regional Victoria.’
Toula waved her away. ‘Michael won’t be at the Children’s forever, Kel.’
‘Yeah, but by the time he retires, it’ll be too late. Everyone will have moved on without me. Trained at the Children’s, got jobs there, begun consulting there. And because of my own stupidity, I’ll be stuck in some arse end of the earth small town weening five-year-olds off their parents’ vapes.’
Toula laughed. ‘You are the worst and most judgemental snob I’ve ever met.’
‘But you still love me.’
Toula twirled a finger around the rim of her glass and stared into the dark wine. ‘You know,’ she said whimsically, ‘you could always defer your training.’
‘And do what?’
Toula looked at Kelly with a glint in her eye. ‘Have a baby.’
Kelly choked on her wine. She coughed and spluttered and did her level best not to spit her mouthful all over the apartment.
Toula watched her with a stupid grin on her face.
‘You’re ridiculous,’ Kelly croaked when she was able to breathe again.
‘Am I? I mean, think about it. You knock out a baby or two, look after them for a few years and basically wait out Michael. Then, when he retires, you go back and do your training.’
‘So we just went from one baby to two and I became a fifty-year-old trainee.’
‘I said a few years, not two decades.’
‘Not happening, Touls. Not least because there’s no-one to have a baby with.’
‘That’s the least of your problems. Eli, Finn. Take your pick.’
Kelly stared into her glass. Eli’s name filled her with melan-choly.
Not because she’d had to end their relationship, but because ending it hadn’t hurt as much as she had expected.
Breaking his heart was painful but she’d driven away from him that afternoon not with a gaping hole in her life that needed filling, just a sense that she’d lost something she didn’t need to replace.
The feeling made her question whether she could ever form a meaningful relationship with anyone.
‘You’ve gone quiet,’ Toula said.
Kelly looked at her oldest friend and a great swell of emotion surged up from deep inside her. ‘Am I always going to be broken, Touls?’ she said, her eyes filling with tears.
Toula leaned over and wrapped Kelly up in a hug, her wine glass still in hand. ‘Oh, darling. You’re not broken. You’re completely and totally fucked up beyond repair.’
Kelly couldn’t help but laugh into her friend’s shoulder.
Toula broke away from her and stared hard into Kelly’s eyes. ‘But that’s what makes you completely and totally fucking unique and beyond compare. You’re the most brilliant person I’ve ever met, Kel.’
Kelly sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. ‘Thanks, Touls.’
Toula took a long swig of wine and smacked her lips. ‘Right, well, even if you’re not going to have his baby immediately, we need to fix the Finn situation.’
‘What situation?’
‘The one with boobzilla.’
‘I thought you told me to focus on passing my exams.’
‘That was before Finn and the goddess became the Instagram It couple. He looks like he’s having way too much fun with her.’
‘Shouldn’t we leave him alone if he’s happy?’
‘I said he was having fun. I didn’t say he was happy.’
‘What’s the difference?’
‘Fun is temporary. Boobs sag, arses drop, eyes bug out.’
Kelly raised an eyebrow. ‘But, what, happiness is eternal?’
‘Give me a break. I’m not a fucking Hallmark card. No, my darling, life isn’t about happiness. Life is suffering. One micro tragedy after another for eighty or so years until the sheer weight of the pain of living crushes you to death at last.’
‘Fuck, Toula. Motherhood has really turned you into a barrel of laughs.’
‘Ah, but you see, Kel, it’s in the suffering where we triumph.
We overcome. We live another day. You need someone who can bear the tragedy with you.
Someone who picks you up off the floor when you get knocked down.
Someone you pick up in the same way. Someone who won’t be crushed before you’re old and grey and begging for death anyway. ’
‘But we couldn’t help each other, Touls. That’s exactly my point. We both crashed and burned.’
‘You crashed. You didn’t burn. You’re still alive. This time when you put the plane back together, make it better, stronger. So you don’t crash again.’
‘What if it’s not meant to be? What if it’s better if it’s Finn and Ashley?’
Toula tucked her legs up underneath her and leaned towards Kelly. She spoke in a whisper: ‘It’s not better if it’s Finn and Ashley. It’s Kelly and Finn. The two anxious hearts that need each other to be made whole.’