Page 28 of Anxious Hearts

‘The hospital communications adviser thinks it’ll all blow over. They’ll probably give me an official warning and stop making me their poster girl, thank fuck. It might actually turn out for the best.’

‘Still.’

Kelly scowled at him. ‘That’s an infuriating conversation technique, you know?’

He tilted his head.

She gave in. No point trying to hide it from her brother.

And she could trust him. They’d spent enough hours out on this seat in their teenage years to know it was a place of safety.

From their first cigarette together to the day seventeen-year-old Fergus told her he’d slept with their 28-year-old neighbour – nothing here went to Mum and Dad. Not when they were kids, and not now.

‘There’s a chance they’ll force me to seek counselling. That’s not going to look good on my record.’

Fergus scoffed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. These days, if you’re not seeing a psychologist, people assume there’s something wrong with you.’

‘Yeah, well, there’s also the video of me going ape-shit at an innocent member of the public.’

Fergus took another long drag and exhaled. ‘Not everyone thinks he was innocent.’

Kelly’s focus sharpened through the booze haze. ‘What do you mean?’

‘A not-insignificant number of people are on your side. They’re calling the guy a misogynist for his tampon comment. It could backfire on him in a big way if he’s not careful.’

Kelly took Fergus’s cigarette from his fingers and drew back hard.

The tip fizzled and crackled at her exertion.

She let her tension flow out of her body with the smoke.

‘I just wish everyone would leave me alone to get on with my job. I didn’t ask for any of this other shit. I just want to help sick kids.’

They were silent. Kelly thought of a young girl she’d lost only last week: arrived in hospital on the Monday with a headache and was gone by Wednesday afternoon courtesy of an extremely rare and fatal aneurysm.

Brought on by nothing at all. And nothing anyone could do to help her.

The girl, Ruby, couldn’t pronounce Kelly’s name so she called her Doctor K.

Thank you, Doctor K, she said to Kelly after she examined her and sent her for an MRI.

Those were the last words she spoke to Kelly.

Thank you, Doctor K . For what? Thank you for what ?

Kelly felt a tear land on her hand. It was tough sometimes. Really fucking tough.

‘So, what are you going to do?’

Fergus’s voice dragged Kelly back into the sunlit garden. She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands. ‘Keep my head down. Pass my clinical. And start using click and collect.’

Fergus laughed and refilled her glass.

***

Later that evening, Kelly was alone on the verandah, her head all at sea; awash on the swell of champagne, red wine and the bourbon her brother had cracked open in lieu of dinner.

Her dad was in the front room listening to U2 on near full volume, her mum was somehow napping on the couch in the same room and Fergus had gone into the den to play an ultra-violent video game.

She would never understand why a thirty-year-old man would still be obsessed with a games console.

No wonder his marriage didn’t work. Although she knew that had more to do with his infidelity than his juvenile pastime.

Her skin was sticky from a day of light perspiration in the warm autumn sun. Her vision, though not completely blurred, lacked crispness and the ability to remain on any one object for an extended period.

Her phone floated before her as her head swayed one way and her hand the other.

She’d been thinking about him for the last three drinks.

It wasn’t fair the way she’d left things between them.

He’d done nothing wrong. She was the one who’d freaked out.

She’d been contemplating sending a message but didn’t want to interrupt his weekend.

Then again, it was Easter – second only in sentimentality to the Christmas holiday.

Perhaps it was a good time to heal their rift.

But she wouldn’t go over the top, just cast a lure to see if he would bite. Happy Easter, she wrote and sent. She stared at the message.

Within seconds, the three telltale dots appeared to indicate he was typing back. Kelly’s heartbeat quickened. What would he say? Would he be angry? Rude? Sarcastic?

I’m Jewish , Eli wrote. But I appreciate the sentiment.

Kelly giggled. How stupid of her. She might normally be mortified but the alcohol had diluted her usual instinct to feel foolish at making a mistake.

Are you mad at me?

No. A lot of people forget I’m one of God’s chosen. It’s the long, blond hair.

Kelly smiled. He wasn’t angry. But was he flirting? She wanted to find out. I like your Jewish hair.

That’s the most beautiful message anyone has ever sent me.

He was flirting.

Kelly bit her bottom lip. Where are you?

Home.

Want to meet up?

Sure. Where are you?

At my parents’ house.

You want me to meet your parents on Easter Sunday?

No. Just me.

She sent him the address, poured herself another drink and walked through the garden to the front gate.

She sat down on the footpath, her back resting against the fence of her childhood home.

She’d met Toula like this so many times when they were younger.

Clandestine meetings to discuss the turbulence in their teenage hearts.

And now her heart was turbulent again. Excited, nervous and aching all at once as she leaned her head against the warm brick wall and closed her eyes, waiting for Eli to arrive.

***

‘Happy Easter, Jesus freak.’

His voice startled her eyes open. Had she been sleeping? How long had she been sleeping? Was she drooling? Kelly wiped her mouth. No drool, thank God. But she was dizzy and momentarily confused.

Eli sat beside her, resting his back against the brick wall and extending his legs out flat like Kelly’s. He wore casual pants and a T-shirt, and the final glow of the setting sun gave his curls a fiery tinge. He was everything she needed to see right now.

‘Hi, Eli,’ Kelly said.

He turned to her with a smile. ‘Hello, Kelly.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’

‘I’ve known Finn since we were kids. We’ve been through so much together.’

‘Kelly, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.’

‘He’s had a rough life. His dad killed himself and his mum became a total basket case.

’ Although she could hear the shadow of a slur in her words, which came more slowly and with more difficulty than usual, she wanted to keep talking.

‘Finn’s pretty much permanently one crisis away from being suicidal. It’s my job to look after him.’

Eli watched her closely and Kelly returned his gaze, unac-customed to the comfort of eyes that were trying to see into her soul. Trying to understand her. Maybe even trying to work out how to put her back together. ‘Why is it your job?’

‘We made a pact when we were younger.’

‘What sort of pact?’

Kelly chuckled. ‘A dumb, embarrassing one.’

‘To look after each other.’

‘Sort of. But not in those words exactly.’

Eli raised an eyebrow.

Kelly took his hand but looked away, feeling herself blush at the thought of saying this out loud to someone other than Finn or Toula. She lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘You don’t fuck with Kelly and Finn.’

Eli narrowed his eyes. ‘I don’t get it. Why aren’t you two together?’

Kelly let go of his hand and tried to stand up. It was more challenging than she had expected. The ground and wall spun. She reached out a hand to steady herself. Eli sprang up beside her, grabbed her elbow to stop her toppling over and leaned her gently against the wall.

Kelly gave him a crooked smile. ‘My hero.’

He stood before her with his own mock smile and challenging stare. ‘You didn’t answer my question.’

Kelly felt a flood of hot desire suddenly burst within her.

‘I’m not with Finn because I’m here with you,’ she said.

Then she grabbed the waistband of his shorts and pulled him towards her.

When their bodies collided, she stood on her toes and wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders.

She drew him closer and caught the hot urgency of his breath on her cheek as she tilted her head. Their lips came together.

She kissed him deeply, recklessly, messily – until he broke away, panting for air.

‘A man’s gotta breathe, you know,’ he said, his cheeks flushed and his eyes wide.

‘Breathing’s overrated.’ She grabbed him again and pulled him back into her kiss.

He didn’t come up for air this time.