Page 45 of A Cornish Winter’s Kiss

Jude hadn’t felt able to just walk into his father’s house in decades. Even when he’d come back from boarding school, he’d always waited to be let into the house, unless his father had been the one to pick him up. It should have felt like his home too, but Sandra had made sure it never did.

‘You can’t just stroll in here like you own the place.

You don’t live here, you live at Membory Grange.

You’re a visitor here and all visitors need to knock.

’ Sandra had made sure his father was out of earshot when she’d set out the rules, but Jude wasn’t sure it would have made all that much difference if Charles had overheard.

Whatever the truth, it was a very long time since Austol House had felt like home.

Although not everyone seemed to understand that.

‘Jude, why on earth do you always insist on knocking!’ Viv enveloped him in her arms. She smelt of cinnamon and nutmeg, like a Christmas cookie come to life. ‘I tell you every time just to use your key, but you never do.’

‘I’m not even sure where it is.’

‘I’ll have to get you another one cut then.’ She wagged a finger at him as she pulled away. ‘Your dad’s in the drawing room if you want to go and find him. I’m just keeping an eye on the mince pies I’ve got in the oven, but I’ll bring some down for you both once they’re done.’

‘Cooking up a storm as always.’ Jude smiled, another memory flitting into his head. ‘I remember you doing that at Membory Grange. Those peppermint brownies you used to make were what made it feel like Christmas.’

‘Oh, sweetheart.’ Viv embraced him again, holding him tightly for a moment. When she pulled away for a second time, it was clear she was close to tears. ‘I haven’t made those in forever. I used to crush up candy canes and stir them in to make the peppermint favour.’

‘I remember, and I also remember that you always saved some of the candy canes for me.’ Jude took a deep breath, wondering if it was finally time to take another risk, one that he probably should have taken years ago, and tell Viv how he felt about her.

‘I’m so glad Dad married you. I just wish he’d waited for you after Mum died, instead of… ’

He couldn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t have to.

‘And I’m so glad I got to be a part of your family, Jude.

I think somehow I always knew, deep down, that you were going to be a part of mine.

You were my favourite student at Membory Grange, even though my job depended on me pretending not to have one. ’

‘Thank you.’ He squeezed her hand, wanting to say so much more; to tell her that he wouldn’t have survived those years without her, and that she’d been the best thing about coming back to Austol House since she’d married his father.

But small steps were okay for now, and the things they’d said to each other were enough for one day.

‘I suppose I ought to go and find Dad.’

‘Okay, darling, and I’d better run before I burn the mince pies. I’ve got so much baking to do before Fiona and the family get here. They’re like a plague of locusts, you’d think they never got fed!’

‘No one can resist your baking.’ Jude smiled before turning away to head down the hallway.

The drawing room had always been his father’s domain.

It was such a stereotypically masculine space, looking like it had been lifted out of an old-fashioned gentleman’s club.

Two of the walls were panelled mahogany, with the others painted dark red.

There was a large fireplace flanked by two chocolate-brown leather chairs, and soft-lit table lamps were dotted around the room to stop it being quite as dark as it would have been otherwise.

It hadn’t been to his mother’s taste – although Ros’s style had been reflected in the rest of the house – and it wasn’t to Viv’s either, but it was clearly his father’s sanctuary and the one room that had remained constant throughout all three of his marriages.

‘Hi, Dad.’ Jude had stood outside the door for a few seconds before pushing it open, contemplating whether or not to knock. But if his father was irritated that he’d come straight in, he was doing a good job of hiding it.

‘Jude, good to see you.’ There was a warmth in his father’s tone he wasn’t sure he’d ever heard before, but he was beginning to wonder if it was because he’d never listened out for it. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘Thanks, but I’m driving.’ Jude watched as his father poured two fingers of whisky into a cut-glass tumbler. ‘Anyway, I’ve got a feeling Viv will be down in a little while with mince pies and if it’s anything like the old days at Membory Grange, there’ll be a vat of hot chocolate too.’

‘I’m glad she was there for you during the boarding school years.

I should have been and I wasn’t.’ If Jude hadn’t known better, he’d have sworn his father had the hallway bugged, but that wasn’t Charles’s style.

He didn’t offer up meaningless platitudes because he thought that was what was expected of him.

There were aspects of Charles’s parenting that were governed by a sense of duty, but he’d never been hampered by other people’s expectations of what being a father should look like.

This was all new territory and Jude wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it.

‘It’s in the past, it doesn’t matter and?—’

Charles cut his son off. ‘It does matter, and this is a conversation we should have had a long time ago.’

‘So why now?’ Jude hadn’t had the opportunity to ask his father about the scrapbook yet, and he couldn’t help wondering what had made Charles so eager to talk.

‘It’ll be twenty-five years this Christmas since we lost her.

’ His father gave a shuddering sigh. ‘I’ve thought about your mother every single day since then, but never more so than just lately.

When Viv told me that we should give you the suitcase, I didn’t want to.

I wanted to hold on to it myself, because it was all I had left of your mother.

But she made me realise what an idiot I’ve been all these years, not sharing all those memories with you and keeping them locked away in the attic instead.

It’s just one of many things I’ve handled badly.

I let your mother down by not stepping up the way she’d have wanted me to when she died, but worst of all I let you down.

It’s taken me all these years to face up to it, but I need you to know that I’m sorry. ’

A part of Jude wanted to reassure his father that it wasn’t true, but if things really were really going to change between them, he needed to be honest too.

And he needed the answers to some difficult questions.

‘Why did you send me away? I’d just lost Mum and then you brought Sandra into our lives, and it seemed like you couldn’t wait to get rid of me. It felt like I’d lost you too.’

‘I messed everything up.’ His father’s expression was pained, the regret in his eyes unmistakable.

‘I missed your mother so much, and I desperately wanted to fill that gap. I knew I could never replace her, so subconsciously I think I sought out someone who couldn’t have been more different if I’d searched the whole world. ’

‘That still doesn’t explain why you sent me away.’ Jude’s voice was quiet and he suddenly felt like that young boy again, desperate to try and understand what he’d done wrong, and even more desperate to find a way to be allowed home again.

‘Every room in this house reminded me of your mother, apart from this one. She always hated this room, and it became the only place I could stand to be, because I didn’t miss her quite so overwhelmingly when I was here.

I knew you didn’t have anywhere in the house that felt that way for you.

So when Sandra suggested that boarding school would give you a fresh start, I convinced myself she was right and that somehow you’d miss your mother less without the constant reminders.

Viv helped me realise how stupid that was, but I honestly thought I was doing it for the best and once I saw how spiteful Sandra was towards you, I didn’t want to bring you home to that either. ’

‘I still don’t understand why you didn’t send her away instead.’

‘I should have done, but I was so scared of being on my own and having to really face up to losing your mum. I met Sandra so quickly, but I never really moved on or processed what happened. I almost enjoyed the fact that she was so difficult to live with; it gave me something else to think about, something to focus on other than the great gaping hole that losing Ros had left in my life. But I should never have dragged you into all of that, Jude, and I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.

I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that it wasn’t because I didn’t want you here with me.

I’d have given anything to have you and your mum back home where you belonged, but without her I genuinely thought you were better off without me too. ’

His father’s voice was thick with emotion. They’d never had a conversation like this before, not even close.

‘I missed Mum, but I missed you too.’ Jude took a deep breath. Being honest was hard, but he’d promised himself he was going to give it a go. ‘I still do.’