Page 23 of A Cornish Winter’s Kiss

Jude’s attempts to get stuck into the revisions of his book after he got back to Puffin’s Rest came to nothing.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how much of his past he’d revealed to Emily and wishing he hadn’t.

Jude had friends he’d known for decades who he hadn’t been that honest with, and he couldn’t work out what it was about Emily that brought out that side of him.

He kept trying to tell himself it was because he needed to be honest with her if he was going to get the most out of their working relationship.

Inevitably, authors put aspects of themselves and their life experiences into the stories they wrote, and he was no different.

That didn’t mean that DCI McGuigan’s story wasn’t fictional, it was just that Jude’s approach to storytelling was shaped by those experiences, and Emily needed that insight to understand how that might impact on the development of McGuigan’s character.

Except if that was the reason, he should have told Marty about his childhood years ago, but he never had. He needed to clear his head.

‘Come on, boy, let’s go for a walk.’ Jude clipped a lead on to Rufus’s collar, the two of them taking the stairs down from the apartment to the courtyard at a steady pace.

He had to keep a firm grip of the dog’s lead to stop him hurtling from top to bottom far too quickly.

He allowed Rufus to pick up the pace as they headed towards the coastal path.

Jude didn’t want to stop and chat to anyone, not even to exchange pleasantries about the crisp late-November weather, or for a stranger to remark on what a handsome dog Rufus was.

He already felt weirdly over-exposed after the conversation with Emily, and he just wanted to hide in plain sight as they made their way out of the village.

Jude slowed the pace again once they reached the path and some of the tension left his body as they started the climb.

There was something about getting higher and higher above the houses, and the people below, that was helping him put things into perspective.

It didn’t matter what he’d told Emily; it had just been a story.

He hadn’t talked about how all of that had made him feel, how lost and alone he’d been as a ten-year-old boy suddenly left without his mum, wondering what he’d done to deserve losing not one, but two mothers.

His father’s lack of emotion had made him question whether he was unlovable, and then Sandra had come into his life and answered the question unequivocally.

It was what had taught him that love was transactional.

People didn’t offer it if they didn’t get something they wanted or needed in return.

He clearly hadn’t had anything his father needed, and Sandra demonstrated just how little she wanted him around.

What had happened with Mia had just compounded those feelings.

She might not have broken his heart, but she’d proved what he’d suspected all along.

He hadn’t felt truly loved since his mother’s death, and it was easier to believe that love didn’t really exist for anyone than to face up to the fact that maybe it just didn’t exist for him, and that it never would because he couldn’t be what anyone wanted or needed long term.

If Jude had told Emily all of that, she’d have understood him on a level he was only just coming to terms with himself.

The truth was he tried not to scratch the surface of that too often because there was probably a whole lot more underneath that he hadn’t even thought about.

Jude had gone into survival mode when his mother had died, and that had only intensified when Sandra had come into his life.

It was liked he’d covered his heart in layers of bubble wrap to try and prevent it from further damage, which was probably why Mia leaving hadn’t affected him nearly as much as it probably should have done.

Then suddenly Emily had come along and popped the first layer by making him reveal things he’d never spoken about.

All he had to do was remember why those layers of protection were so important and not allow her to remove any more of them.

He could do that; he was used to doing it.

He’d probably only had those kinds of conversations with Emily because he was being forced to look at McGuigan’s problems with relationships, and that had brought up some difficult issues.

He was reading far too much into it by thinking this was all about her.

‘Right then, boy, how far do you want to go today?’ Jude patted the dog’s head once Rufus had bounded back towards him. ‘Because I really have got to get on with a bit of work.’

The dog’s only response was to race off ahead again, making it clear he had enough energy to keep going for as long as his master could. And then Jude’s phone pinged with a text from Emily.

Hope you’re okay. Sorry if I asked too many questions today, but I hope it ended up helping with the revisions. Thanks again for breakfast. Em x

Jude stared at his phone for a moment. She hadn’t mentioned anything personal, and yet there was still something intimate about the message.

Emily was getting under his skin in a way he couldn’t remember anyone ever doing.

He was going to have to tell her that he didn’t need her help with the revisions any more.

Except when he attempted to respond, he couldn’t seem to string the words together.

Shoving his phone into his pocket, he quickened his pace again to try and catch up with Rufus.

He’d deal with the Emily situation later. He just had to work out how.