Page 35 of A Cornish Winter’s Kiss

‘Watching Home Alone with all of you was the first time in a long time that I’ve got the kind of Christmassy feeling I remember from when I was young.

I’m not sure if the kids will appreciate me being there once they arrive, so I better take your parents up on the offer while it’s quiet.

That’s if you don’t have any objections? ’ Jude gave her a questioning look.

‘Of course I don’t.’ Emily tried her best to sound casual; she didn’t want him to know how much she wanted him to accept the invitation.

‘I think you’ll be fine with my sister’s kids, though.

They’re pretty full on, but it’s hard not to get swept up in their excitement about Christmas.

You must remember what that was like, and that being around other kids made you even more excited? ’

Jude shook his head. ‘I never really got to hang out with other kids that much over Christmas, or at any other time. When Mum was alive, she made things special, but that didn’t really involve other kids.

It was just us and, looking back, I suspect that was because my father didn’t want a house full of kids.

After she died and Sandra came along, I don’t think they even wanted me in the house, let alone other children.

I know she didn’t. There were the other kids at boarding school of course, but we were too old for all the Santa stuff by then. ’

‘What about now? With your stepsister’s children?’ Jude had told her about Viv’s daughter, Fiona, and it had sounded as if he was fond of her and her family, but he shook his head again.

‘I don’t spend time with them either, at least not as much as I probably should.

Sandra’s dislike for me was so obvious, and I struggle to believe that Viv doesn’t feel the same way, even though she never gives any indication of it.

’ Jude shrugged. ‘It’s just easier for us all if I don’t get too involved. ’

‘I guess.’ Emily nodded. She didn’t really agree with him at all, but the last thing she wanted to do was dismiss the way he felt.

It must have been incredibly sad to believe that his own family, the people who were supposed to love him most, didn’t really want him around.

She didn’t think for a moment it was true, because once you got below the surface and Jude revealed his true self, there was so much about him to love.

He was clever, kind, generous and funny.

It was just that he preferred to hide it all away and keep his emotions firmly in check.

Emily was certain if he gave his family even a hint of wanting to be a part of their world, that they’d welcome him in with open arms, and it made her sad to think he might never do that.

She’d never have believed a few weeks ago that Jude would open up to her as much as he had, and as he busied himself setting food out on the table, having refused her offer of help, she decided it was her turn to open up to him.

‘Working on this project with you has made me think about a lot of things, especially as Mum’s Parkinson’s disease is progressing again.

The consultant is hopeful she can get it under control and that Mum can enjoy a normal life span, but there’s a chance she won’t and that it’ll escalate to stage five instead.

Even if they can stabilise things for now, the new symptoms might still limit what we can do in the future.

I just don’t want to waste any opportunities to make the most of the time we’ve got.

’ Emily tried to keep her tone level, but she didn’t quite pull it off, her voice cracking on the final line.

Right from the time of her mother’s diagnosis, the whole family seemed to have made an unspoken pact to look on the bright side, but things had got worse recently and the thought of what might happen if the new medications didn’t work made it impossible not to get emotional.

‘I’m so sorry about your mum, she’s such a lovely lady, but I think what you said is really important.

’ Jude looked across at her and she had to fight not to drop her gaze.

‘There’s nothing specific I wish I’d done with my mum while I had the chance, I just wish I’d treasured the time we had far more than I did and realised how precious it was.

Although I guess you don’t understand the true value of important moments until you know for certain that it’s impossible to recreate them.

I just wish I’d told her how I felt about her. ’

‘And how was that?’

‘I loved her.’ Jude smiled at the look that must have crossed her face.

‘All right, all right, you’ve got me. I did love her, but it doesn’t detract from my theory that love can often be broken down into a series of transactions.

I got a lot from my mother and I loved her in return.

She desperately wanted a child, and I needed a mother. There’s your transaction right there.’

‘I don’t think you really believe it’s as simple as that.

’ She was pushing Jude now, knowing she risked him shutting down on her, but she couldn’t seem to help it.

For some reason, it was really important that he acknowledged the existence of love, in a way that went beyond what he needed to finish his book.

‘There are plenty of parents who don’t do a great job, but their children still love them.

Or children who commit terrible crimes, and yet their parents stand by them.

Neither of them are getting what they want or need from each other, yet the love is still there. ’

‘Is it really though? Maybe it’s a sense of duty on the parents’ part, or what society expects them to do. That’s a different kind of transaction.’ Jude shrugged.

‘And what about the children who still love their parents, even in the face of fundamental selfishness, or something much worse like neglect?’

‘That’s harder to explain.’ Jude’s face clouded for a moment.

He was such a clever person, always ready with an answer, but he was clearly struggling.

Then he seemed to recover. ‘I don’t know, maybe it’s because those children are desperate to believe that they are loved, despite the way the parents have acted.

So they excuse the behaviour and want their parents to be a part of their lives more than ever, in the hope that they’ll suddenly change and become the kind of parents the children need. ’

‘That’s a complicated transaction that I’m not sure even you really believe.

’ Emily raised her eyebrows, and she had a feeling from the look on Jude’s face that she might be right.

He’d been so certain of his theory about love when they’d first met, but she’d seen the edges of that start to soften a bit, even if he was nowhere near ready to admit it.

Emily could have taken her argument further and asked Jude about his dad.

Did he love Charles despite his failings and, if so, was it only because he was hoping his father might change?

But they’d come so far since they’d got to Cornwall and she didn’t want to push things any more than she already had.

Not today at least. She just hoped she’d done enough to give him a new perspective, one that could help him finally finish his edits.

Either way, she’d find out when she read his pages.

Not mentioning his father ensured that the conversation flowed easily. Jude had made a pasta dish that smelt delicious and tasted even better. Gary Barlow sat by her feet on one side, with Rufus on the other, both of them staring up at her and waiting for something, anything, to be dropped.

‘Can I interest you in dessert?’ Jude asked as he cleared away the dishes from lunch. She’d been about to answer when his phone started to ring.

‘Sorry, do you mind if I get this? It’s the intermediary agency. They probably just need some more information.’

‘Of course not. I’ll finish clearing the dishes.

’ Jude didn’t have time to object if he wanted to take the call before it went to voicemail.

Emily felt suddenly awkward in the open-plan space, and she didn’t want him to think she was eavesdropping, even though it was impossible not to.

Clearing the plates away was the next best thing to being in another room.

It was still impossible not to hear Jude’s side of the conversation, and even if she hadn’t been able to, she’d have known something was wrong by the look on his face.

‘Right… so you were able to verify that for sure?’

‘That’s good, at least I haven’t had the wrong name all this time.’

‘That makes sense… Okay, so you found her name there?’

‘Really? When? Thirty-four years ago… I’d thought about the possibility, but I didn’t really think it would be the case. I’ve got to admit I’m a bit shocked.’

‘Okay, I understand. I don’t know, I’m just… I need to think about it… Yes, I’ll let you know… That’s okay, thank you.’

As Jude ended the call, Emily balled her hands into fists, digging her fingernails into her palms. She wanted to ask him if everything was okay, but she already knew it wasn’t. And the truth was she had no right to ask him anything. It was up to him whether he wanted to tell her.

‘My biological mother died just after my first birthday. From meningitis.’ Jude didn’t look at her as he spoke, but she could see the tension in his jaw as he struggled to process what he’d just been told.

‘I’m so sorry.’ Emily had no idea what to say to help, so she just went with her gut.

‘Me too. I never really thought about it ending this way. Courtney said they were able to verify that her name was Patricia Judith Johnson from the record of my birth they were able to access online. She told me when I first got in contact that they always run some initial checks to see whether the person they’re trying to find is still alive.

Apparently the first stage is an NHS check, alongside a review of the register of deaths, because the last thing they want is to give a client false hope.

I didn’t expect to hear anything for weeks, but the fact that she’s dead made the search easy.

I can’t believe she’s been gone for almost my entire life.

’ Jude’s voice cracked on the final few words, and he took an audible breath before continuing.

‘They told me they could try to trace other members of her family, but I don’t know if I want that.

I don’t think there’s any way it can give me the answers I need. ’

The look he gave her was one of such utter desolation that she couldn’t do anything except cross the room to hug him. Part of her expected him to pull away, regain his composure and try to convince her that it didn’t really matter, but to Emily’s surprise he held her close.

‘I’m so sorry.’ She was repeating herself, but she didn’t know what else to say.

‘Me too.’ He moved back just enough to look at her, and time seemed to stop altogether for a moment before he closed the space between them, his mouth finding hers, their bodies pressing together again as she responded to his kiss.

Her brain was still trying to override the desire pulsing through her body, but it had no chance.

This was what she’d wanted, deep down, almost from the first moment she’d seen Jude.

Except it was more complicated now. The physical attraction had given way to something far deeper, and the kiss took that to another level.

It was exhilarating but terrifying too, because she knew, after this, that if he walked out of her life, it would hurt her even more than before.

Despite all the emotions racing through her head, the kiss was incredible and she wasn’t sure how she’d ever have stepped back from him if Jude hadn’t pulled away first.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.’ His hands dropped to his side, his face suddenly blank, as though the moment they’d just shared hadn’t happened, and then he changed the subject in such a drastic way that it took Emily’s breath away. ‘Did you say whether you wanted some dessert?’

‘No, thank you, I’m fine.’ It was the biggest lie Emily had told in a long time; she was anything but fine.

She was going to have to find an excuse to leave, and take Jude’s pages with her.

There was no way she could sit in the same room as him and read the words, or take the dogs out along the coastal path together afterwards like they’d planned.

She had to get out of there and away from Jude as soon as possible, before she made an even bigger a fool of herself than she already had.

She was so confused, certain that she hadn’t read the situation wrong, but Jude was acting like it was the kind of mistake he couldn’t wait to move on from.

Embarrassment mingled with a disappointment she didn’t want to feel.

He’d told her from the start where he stood, so allowing her feelings to deepen as much as they had was incredibly stupid.

Emily only had herself to blame for the crushing sense of regret that came from wanting something that had never been an option in the first place.