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“Von?” Alec sounds surprised but not in pain.
My heart starts beating again as I grip his leg. I choke on air, terror coursing through my mind, processing all of his possibleinjuries. My hands keep slipping off the call button on the radio so I can’t reach Hans.
“Can you pull me out?” Alec’s voice is muffled.
“We have to be careful not to injure you more. We might need to call the emergency department to lift it off you.” I stroke his leg, slightly relieved he sounds coherent and not suffering.
“I got stuck trying to get the radio. I’m fine. Not hurt, just stuck.”
Grabbing both of his legs, I yank him out and he blinks up at me, drenched and covered in mud. Keeping my hysteria in control is extremely hard. I’m not sure if I should punch him or kiss him.
“You left Sweden,” I accuse. My brain can’t understand Alec being here as my hands run over his body, checking for injuries.
“Hi, Viking.” Alec’s timid and trying to sit up, but I push him down. He submits to my touch.
I wish I had the strength to put some distance between us, but I don’t. My hands have a will of their own, tracing every part of him from his head to his boots. The smart thing would be to retreat and get answers—smart is overrated.
“Can we talk?” He reaches for me again, but I lean back.
The shock is wearing off and Alec’s deception about being on the farm confuses me.
“What are you doing here?” My mind goes numb.
“The short answer is that I want to help you get the farm up and running. The long answer is complicated and the longer I’m here, the more I’m figuring it out.”
“Please tell me the long answer in detail.” Thinking he could’ve died put things in perspective, but my heart is fragile.
Chapter forty
Alec
Break My Heart by Matt Hansen
Von drives us toward the barn on the ATV. It isn’t lost on me that he doesn’t take me to the house. I have to live with the fact that he might never trust me enough to let me in his life again.
It’s raining so hard that it washes all the mud off of us. A real rain shower.
He drives the ATV up the ramp through the double doors into the sturdy wood structure between the large beams that stretchout hundreds of feet and two stories high. It accommodates farm equipment, vehicles, and tools.
It’s been heaven holding onto him, and I don’t let go, but he rips himself out of my grip to get off the vehicle. I follow him and we sit a few feet apart on a workbench in the tool room of the barn.
He’s silent but motions for me to explain myself. It’s hard to know where to start, but I’m going to try to make sense of the jumble in my head for him.
“Let me start with the short answer of why I’m still here. I love you.” The words are a relief to say out loud, but Von is not impressed. “I understand if your feelings have changed, but I still need you to know I love you.”
Von nods, and I force myself to keep going, hoping he isn’t back to his aloof disdain.
“Being on the farm and working has given me a ton of time to think. I learned a lot about myself and it’s not all good. The truth is that I don’t fully understand love yet. I’ve never been in love before. You’re the first.” I inhale and force myself to stay calm.
“I’ve never been unconditionally loved, so I couldn’t see love from someone else’s perspective. Specifically, from your perspective. I only understood my feelings for you and what a life together looked like for me. But if I truly love you, I have to consider how you feel and what you think our life could be together.” I’m surprised how even my voice is since my heartis beating triple time. I refrain from crawling into his lap and begging him to forgive me.
A noncommittal hum escapes Von’s lips.
“It sounds insane when I say it out loud, but I didn’t understand I had the power to hurt you because I could only see your power to hurt me. Seeing your reaction toEvighetbeing for sale shocked me. It was my first glimpse into the destruction I caused in our relationship. Honestly, I convinced myself that I was helping you succeed by letting the art world see the beauty you’re capable of creating.” I’m ashamed of my idiocy.
Von rakes a hand through his wet hair and yanks it out when it gets tangled.
“I lied to myself, and in the process, I hurt the person I love most. Words aren’t enough to say sorry. I have to prove to you that I love you enough to give you what you want, even if it’s not me. If you want to be a farmer, I have seventy-nine more days and a plan to make that happen. If you want to be an artist, I’ve been trying to repair your studio.”