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“Part of me knew things weren’t right with my ex, but I was young and getting dicked down on the regular and thought it was stupid to complain. He called me stupid if I questioned things.” Alec’s eyes cut away.
“I bottomed for him.” His chest heaves and his breathing hitches.
It’s unclear if he’s embarrassed or feels guilty that he hasn’t bottomed for me. I inwardly cringe, knowing how badly I misjudged him and probably hurt him. It’s unimaginable to expect more than a person is willing to give. It breaks every rule of consent. I have an unhealthy amount of dislike for his ex.
“We always had sex in our bed, with the door locked, me on all fours. Never, ever anything else. I’ve wondered if it was so he didn’t have to look at me or if he was afraid he’d give himself away if I saw him during the act. What would I have seen? The truth that he didn’t care about me, that he was a cheater, that he was a drug addict?” Alec sighs, resigned to never knowing the answers.
“I came home one day, and he was flat on his back getting railed by his friend. Or according to Mads, his drug dealer.” Alec’s eyes hold the pain of betrayal all these years later, and I am glad he is not alive.
I tell him with my lips on each of his eyelids that I’m sorry for his pain.
“Now I wonder if the drug dealer forced him to have sex or he traded sex for drugs. Did he have trauma from being a bottom? Did I make it worse? Mads took my scar and sliced it open, all in the name of helping me. I’m not ready to forgive her.”
I’m searching his gorgeous brown eyes to see if he’ll say more. I hate his parents. I hate his ex, which is less satisfying because he’s dead. I hate Madyson for thinking she knows best. No one made this incredible man feel safe. Violence simmers under the surface to fight the injustice of it.
I’m lucky to have understanding and compassionate parents. My parents pressured me to succeed infotboll, but I truly believe they have my best interest at heart and support my decisions as long as I’m happy. It breaks my heart that Alec doesn’t have that. It’s disgusting to use religion to turn your back on your child.
He reaches over to grab something out of the nightstand and I watch him pop one of the worst candies ever made in his mouth. My face must show my disgust.
“They’re antacids, not candy.” He shows me the package.
I gather him in my arms and murmur in Swedish everything in my head that I can’t say out loud. Thinking back to every time he had candy.
My lips press his in a gentle kiss. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how upset you were when you needed medication. I’m sorry you had to go through that with your ex. I never want to be someone who puts you in a situation that you feel threatened.”
If I had known this, I wouldn’t have held back from attacking Jayce when he laid a hand on Alec.
Alec cups the back of my head and nuzzles into my neck. “My warrior Viking with a soft heart.” There’s an ache in his voice that detracts from his teasing.
“Promise you will tell me if you’re feeling exposed.” I wrap both arms around him and fling a leg over his thigh, cleaving him to me.
“You make me feel exposed but in a good way. You see me as no one ever has. When you put your hand on my back, you were saying, ‘I’ve got you, I’ll watch your back.’ And I could relax.”
My heart is so full that it might combust. I’m falling for this man and my heart is his, whether he wants it or not. There’s no turning back. In the bar, when he said I claimed him as mine, I did. I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do for this man. I’m holding onto the hope he declares I’m his.
I’m raw and my emotions are too close to the surface. If I tell him I will always protect him, or he brought my heart back to life, or I see a future with him, I’m nervous he won’t be ready to hear it. Honestly, I’m ready for all the things I hold in my heart for him. But I keep it simple.
“I will always have your back and if anyone wants to hurt you, they’ll have to go through me to do it,” I vow.
Alec likes it when I get possessive, and if his hardening cock is a sign, my words hit their mark.
Chapter twenty-eight
Alec
Love Hurts by Nazareth
“I’m not letting them take something away from me.” Em’s chin sets defiantly and bangs his fist on the check-out counter at Unframed Art.
Shane’s right. He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions, and I can’t be Madyson and treat him as if I know what’s best for him.
“Fine,” I agree. “I have some extra equipment and whatever I don’t have we can find in the lost and found bin.” A few weeksago, after I bailed on introducing him to Mads and Jayce, I’d asked Em to join the pickup hockey game with me. Jayce will most likely be there tonight.
Em hasn’t told me what happened but also hasn’t asked for information to get in touch with them. I’ve stayed out of it, except for trying to dissuade Em from going tonight. Luckily, they don’t know that I asked Em to come, so they can’t ambush him.
I asked Von if he could skate well enough to play. He grinned and said he’d borrow gear from Lars since I’m shorter than he is. The bastard enjoys rubbing that fact in my face. It’s sort of funny when he tries to tease me.
Em and I take the subway to the rink. It’s mostly retired players from the NY Enforcers and a few college hockey guys who miss playing. The competition is a great way to relieve aggression, and that’s the goal tonight.