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His body twitches as if trying to shake off whatever held him in its grip. His silence feels louder than the raging storm. He opens and closes his mouth against my skin unable to decide if he wants to talk. My hand strokes his back in encouragement.
“Did I tell you Cole rescued me from being homeless?” Alec’s half asleep and he slurs his words, so I grip him tighter. “I left my boyfriend the day I’d come home and found him fucking his friend in our bed.”
He sighs. “It was really his bed. I was a sophomore in college and so naïve. He was my first serious boyfriend. He said he loved me.” Disdain wraps around Alec’s voice. “He was a few years older, so cool and worldly. I’d barely left my small hometown, and he’d traveled to other countries. He convinced me to move in with him for the spring semester to save money. The dorms were so expensive and I knew paying back the loans would kill me. His offer was the perfect answer.”
I keep very still, afraid Alec will fully wake up and stop talking. I’m holding my breath to know more, and it scares me to think how far I would go to know. He rubs his cheek on my chest as if he can’t get close enough, so I hug him tighter.
“I left him immediately with only the clothes on my back and my laptop. Not the brightest move, but I didn’t stick around. The image of them together is still burned in my brain. To make a long story short, he overdosed a couple of days later. But according to Madyson, he was an addict, so that absolves me of any and all responsibility.” Alec’s voice breaks, unable to hold back the emotion pouring out of him.
“I got you,” I tell him again with all the air left in my lungs.
My past creeps up on me, stealing my breath. I’m determined to help Alec with his pain. Mine has no place here.
Alec moves away, and I let go.
I think he’s fallen back asleep until he punches the pillow. After a minute, he asks, “How could I not know? How could my boyfriend abuse drugs and I not know? It almost feels worse.”
My stomach twists and tears spring to my eyes. “You were young and in love and addicts do not want you to know.”
“The worst part is, I don’t think I ever loved him. It was too easy to walk away. My pride was hurt, and I was furious.” He swallows. “For a long time, I blamed myself, wondering if he knew I didn’t love him and that drove him to cheat and do drugs.”
“No!” I exclaim.
Disagreeing for him. For myself.
My truth is too raw to share with him, and I’m not strong enough to say it out loud. So I opt for a partial truth. “I was close to someone who became addicted to pain pills. The drugs killed him. I knew something was wrong. I tried to figure it out, and I was an adult with resources to help him. You were a kid. I assume he never did drugs in front of you?”
Alec nods in agreement to my questions.
“We cannot be responsible for someone else’s choices. Your ex had a million other choices besides drugs and so did my friend. Second-guessing what happened or what we could have done differently will not bring them back. It was not our responsibility to save them without knowledge of the problem.” The words come easily, but the truth of them is much harder to believe. It’s been over a year and I haven’t mastered the reality versus my feelings. My heart is still broken and doesn’t know how to heal.
The only indisputable thing I’ve learned is that feelings don’t make sense. I also get the impression that Alec is holding parts of the story back. I understand that all too well.
“Thank you.” Alec sinks into me and falls back asleep, but my body is buzzing.
I don’t regret telling Alec about Boe, but it infects my brain and my whole body hurts.
I’m irrationally angry with Boe and want the chance to tell him what a selfisharslehe was to die. But I would never. I had no idea how broken he was at the end or how to help him. It’s the helplessness that eats at me.
I push my unhappy memories away and watch Alec sleep. He definitely has a dark past. The block letters spelling ‘poison’ tattooed across his chest unsettle me as if it is a label he’s put on himself.
I’m certain this gorgeous, damaged man will steal my heart.
Chapter eight
Alec
I’m No Angel by The Gregg Alman Band
Iwake up sweating with an electric blanket strangling me.
It’s Von.
He’s wrapped around me as if worried I’ll get away.
I don’t hate it. Not. One. Bit.
If I had my way, he’d wake up, and I’d devour him.