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“The video of him went viral.” I hate myself for it.
“I know.” Cole’s voice is soothing.
“His howl is a goddam meme,” I say, and Cole nods with understanding. “I did that to him. I didn’t mean to do it.”
“I’m sure he knows that,” Shane says without judgment.
I count the ceiling tiles in this section. “I tried to call, but he either blocked my number or his phone isn’t in service.”
“What do you want to do?” Cole sits on the floor, resting his palm on my shoulder.
I shrug. I’m confused because most of my brain cells have stopped working.
“Alec,” Shane says and pauses until I look at him, “can I be honest?”
“Suuuure.” I deserve to be yelled at.
“Cole wants to give you time and space to talk to us, but we’re worried.”
“I’m fine.” I lean to sit up but flop back. Shane snorts, and Cole is not convinced. “I just need…” I trail off and can’t finish my sentence.
“I don’t think you know what you need,” Shane says, and Cole grumbles at him. “Cole, can you give us a minute?” Cole doesn’t move. “Alec, will you promise to yell for Cole if I”—he does air quotes—“therapize you?”
That startles a laugh out of me, and Cole shakes his head but gets up.
“Behave,” he orders Shane, who grins as if he’ll do anything but behave.
Once Cole has shut the door to his office, Shane turns his sharp brown eyes to me. “You know I’ve been hospitalized for depression more than once, right?” He starts right in with no preamble and I nod. “Depression and anxiety are old friends or enemies, however you look at it and so are guilt and self-blame.”
I haul myself into a seated position.
“I’m worried that you’re heartbroken and on a downward spiral.” He holds his hand up when I try to talk. “We know you haven’t been home and you’re sleeping in the loft.” I must look surprised because he says, “We have motion cameras that connect to our phones. You did stripteases for us the first week they were installed.” He smiles, but I can’t believe I forgot.
“You’re not eating.”
“I am,” I protest.
Shane motions to the food container on the table. “You buy food. You don’t eat it.” He sighs. “I know more than anyone that we can’t help you unless you want help. But Alec, we love you and we’re here for you. I know you feel terrible for hurting Von and the insane social media attention. That’s not something you could’ve foreseen. I spent years, years feeling guilty andresponsible for my twin’s accident. Don’t repeat my mistake and torture yourself.”
Shane is offering me a lifeline, and I desperately want to catch it, but I’m terrified of failing.
“The truth is, I don’t think the viral meme is the issue. You love Von, and he left. That hurt.”
“He had to leave,” I say automatically.
“It doesn’t hurt any less though, does it?” Shane’s eyes have always held a pain and wisdom far beyond his years.
“Have you ever met someone but thought they were all wrong for you?” I ask.
Shane’s eyes widen as his mouth drops open. “You must remember how Cole acted when I met him. At first, I avoided him then I cut him out of my life. You had to tell him I blocked him.”
“You thought he’d break your heart, didn’t you?” Cole had been a drunken mess the night he met Shane and wasn’t in a good place. Shane gives me a soft smile and agrees. “How did you trust him?” My future hangs on his answer.
“I didn’t.” Shane shocks me with his answer. “When you lose someone you love like I lost my brother, it changes your perspective. If you asked me if I could choose between neverhaving a brother or losing him at age eleven, I’d pick losing him at age eleven. And you know, that means I have to keep the shit that followed. My parents’ blame, my guilt, depression, and the list goes on. I wouldn’t trade cutting Shep out of my life for anything. So I took a chance on Cole.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “That’s brave.”
“I have some words of wisdom that were hard to learn.”