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Every day it hurts more to wake up to my new reality. I’ve spent a lifetime wishing for solitude away from fame. Fame is the double-edged sword, giving me privilege and money but takingaway my freedom. I’m happier away from fame, but I miss the nonstop talking of a very loud, very obnoxious American.
After dreaming of Alec, I wake up and start the day to forget.
Forget how much it hurts to be alone.
I’m driving the sheep to the far meadow to graze. They’re unafraid of my ATV since they’ve been around it all their lives and know I won't run them over. I’m more aggressive and roll the vehicle until it touches the hindquarters of a couple of stragglers. That spooks them and the herd moves.
The sun is low on the horizon, and I guess it’s past dinnertime. I don’t wear a watch and haven’t been eating regular meals, so time’s irrelevant. My two-way radio squawks with Hans’s voice. “What’s your location?”
“Almost have the sheep settled in the far meadow.”
“You have a visitor who insists on seeing you.”
“Tell them I’m not available.” I wonder if it’s my mother who figured out where I am. “And apologize for the wasted trip.”
“He says his name is Alec.”
“Repeat, please.” My hands shake, and it’s hard to hold down the button to talk.
“Viking, it’s me,” says the voice over the radio and in my shock, I let go of the throttle and the ATV stops. Alec is here and I can’t remember how to work the radio or the pedals on the ATV. The sheep are bleating around me as I sit frozen.
I stop my stupid heart from leaping out of my chest, jumping to a conclusion, and running to Alec. He was very clear our future and his feelings for me don’t exist. His guilt over the fallout from the viral meme has driven him across the ocean. But I can’t take responsibility for absolving it.
“Hans, don’t let him in the house. I’ll meet him in the barn once I finish with the sheep.” I don’t wait for a reply. Hans will take care of it.
My mind races through scenarios and what I will say to him. None of it matters. I thought Alec and I had a relationship that could withstand long distance and was worth fighting for. I thought it was real. I was wrong.
There is no sense in rushing the sheep. I’m not in a hurry to face the end of my time with Alec. Whatever the reason he’s here, it’s for an ending. Dread settles into my bones; my movements are jerky and uncoordinated. But I get the sheep in the meadow and drive back toward the barn.
I don’t want to taint my good memories of my grandparents’ house with Alec. He cannot take up space in the farmhouse because he’ll lay claim to it. I’ll forever look at where he stood and sat, what he touched, and rewrite over my happy family memories.
The sun has been replaced by the moon and stars. By the time I reach the barn, I’m sick with anticipation. Alec is inspecting equipment with an interested expression; his face lights up when he hears me drive in, but it falls once he sees me. Another stab to the heart, so I focus on Hans, who is sitting with his arms crossed, glaring at Alec.
Hans stands as I park the ATV. “He never shuts up, even when I pretended not to know English,” he says in Swedish.
“You didn’t have to stay, thank you.” I clap him on the shoulder. “Go home.”
Hans nods, exits the barn, and I reluctantly face a silent Alec.
We stare at each other and my eyes can’t get enough of him. He’s travel rumpled with wrinkled clothes, messy hair, and dark circles under his eyes. My body fights with my mind to rush to him, force myself on him, and beg him to remember how our bodies feel together. But I remain twenty feet away, knowing force is the last thing Alec would respond to.
“Hey,” Alec says mournfully.
I wait for him to say more and when he doesn’t, I ask, “Why are you here?”
“I’m so sorry.” Alec looks wretched, and I know he means it.
“Okay.” I’m not exactly sure what he’s sorry for, but clarification isn’t necessary. He needs to say he’s sorry to move on and go home.
“That’s it?” Alec’s eyes flicker with an emotion I can’t name. “You’re going to forgive me that easily?”
It would be easier if I could hate him. “You had no way of knowing that video of me would go viral. It’s not your fault the way I reacted.”
Alec turns pale. “I didn’t realize—”
“I know,” I cut him off. “You didn’t need to come here. How did you find me?”
“Shane.” Alec uncomfortably rocks back and forth on his heels.