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What Shane says changes my entire perspective and might very well change my life.
His words sink and threaten to pull me under. I’ve been a colossal asshole. I told Von from the beginning that I wasn’t good at relationships, but I underestimated how I monumentally fucked it up.
“Hey.” Shane shakes my leg. “Don’t.”
He doesn’t need to explain. He knows where my mind is going and why it shouldn’t.
“What am I going to do? I’ve ruined everything.” My voice is high and hysterical.
“First, tell me what you want.” The weight of Shane’s hand keeps me grounded and from going off the rails.
“Von.” It’s that simple. And that complicated.
“Then you have to decide what you’re willing to risk for him. You are in control of your future.”
“But what if he won’t see me?” My stomach has been eating itself and no amount of antacids helps.
“You can’t control what he does, and that’s a risk, but the man made a statue to tell you he will love you forever.”
“I don’t even know how to find him. I have to do this in person.” I catalog the things I have to do before I fly to Sweden. There’s a flicker of hope and although it terrifies me, I have to take the chance.
Em’s words ring true––I can’t throw away a man who loves me.
Shane pulls his phone out. “Well, the only positive thing about the viral video is the goddamn paparazzi stalking Von. They found him and are reporting his every move.” Shane turns his phone and I see a long-range shot of Von riding a tractor.
“Where is he?” I can’t wrap my head around farmer Von.
“His grandparents’ farm. There are reports he is investing time and money to run it and make it profitable. I can get you an address.”
I tackle Shane in a hug. “I think I love you!”
“He’s still my husband,” Cole yells from his office, and Shane laughs.
Before they let me leave, they force me to sign the contract I’ve been imagining doesn’t exist. But Shane, with his financial wisdom, has some very valid arguments, so I sign it. Then contact my lawyer to let him know I’ll be out of the country and we might need to put the plans for a queer youth center on hold until I get back.
Chapter thirty-eight
Von
It’ll Be Okay by Shawn Mendes
The crisp air clears my head, and the miles of swaying wheat soothe me. There’s so much toxicity in the world clogging my brain.
I can’t allow what people say affect my life. It will chip away my mental health.
I texted my parents that I’m safe and turned my phone off. Shutting out the world is the best thing for my mind. Poisonous words won’t reach me and there is zero benefit from knowingwhat they write about me. My dead phone is sitting in a desk drawer, waiting for the day I decide to rejoin society. But that day isn’t coming soon.
What I’m doing on the farm matters: growing wheat for food, providing wool, and milking goats for cheese. I’m feeding people and donating the profits that aren’t reinvested in the farm to charity. The impact won’t change the world, but I’ll help as many people in this town as possible. Alec taught me to do that.
I never understood my grandparents’ connection to this land until now. I’ve traveled the world, but the dirt under my feet is home. Throwing myself into farming, I’m working from sunup to past sundown. Muscles ache in places I didn’t know existed on my body with the constant motion.
I don’t have time to wonder what Alec’s doing. I don’t have time to regret making him a representation of my heart. Those things don’t enter my consciousness.
But I dream.
In my dreams, my mind creates an entirely different life. A life full of laughter and love.
Full of Alec.