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I snatch up my phone, desperate for contact. Any contact. Even if it’s for her to tell me to get the hell out of her life.
I try texting her again to no avail.
“Where are you, witch? What are you doing?”
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
SEVEN VIRTUES, NORTH CAROLINA
Every year, on the anniversary of my grandmother’s passing, my grandfather and I drive to his cabin in Maine. We sit beneath the stars and look for the brightest one we’ve never seen with the naked eye.
We claim that is her reaching through to us from the celestial barrier that separates us from our loved ones after their passing. Grief and the bittersweet recriminations that are associated with it never truly disappear.
Much like new stars.
—StellaNova
Two Weeks Later
A warm arm wraps around my shoulder as I stand, looking down at my mother’s urn and the picture Austyn and Paige helped me pick to display next to it. It’s from my Seven Virtues graduation and we’re both beaming, laughing and sharing a secret in our eyes and with the quirk of our lips.
It was the way I grew up, always knowing she’d be there for me.
“How am I supposed to go on without her?” I ask Paige, knowing she’s the one who came up to stand by my side.
“By embracing every moment, darling.” Austyn’s mother turns me to face her until she can cup my face. I want to flinch when Ethan’s green eyes bore into mine but I control the impulse. “You heard her say that the other night.”
I did. It was a few days before Mama succumbed to her cancer. Paige, Austyn, and I were camped out in Mama’s hospice room like it was Austyn’s and my freshman year at UT. Since we never knew when she’d be cognizant, we made certain one of us was always with her. Also, we transformed the room to resemble her living room as much as possible, bringing in Mama’s favorite afghans, framed photographs, and munchies and drinks.
At one point, Mama—in one of her more lucid moments—asked Paige, “Will you look out for her?”
Paige leaned over and kissed my mother’s cheek. “Helen, you don’t even have to ask.”
Mama’s eyes welled up with tears. She shot a furtive glance at me before sharing, “She’s in love…”
I jumped in at that point. “There’s no need to go into that.”
Mama frowned. “All I was going to ask is—should something come of it—if Paige would walk you down the aisle.”
Christ, that moment. I ran a hand over my heart, trying to stop the bleeding that wouldn’t stem. Austyn leaped up from her chair and guided me away from our mothers. My sobs couldn’t be controlled.
In such a short period, I had everything, and it all blew away like dandelion seeds in the wind. Nothing more than wishes and dashed hope. A before and after.
That’s all my life’s come down to lately.
I push myself into Paige’s arms. Even as the tears overwhelm me, I feel Austyn wrap her arms around my back in an effort to hold me together as we get through this short memorial before I figure out a way for my life to move on.
To embrace the after.
I’m uncertain how long we’re standing there when there’s a knock on the frame. “Ms. Brookes?”
I pull back and go to swipe beneath my eyes but Paige is at the ready with tissues. “Yes?”
“Guests are beginning to arrive.”
I dab at my eyes as Austyn and Paige do the same. Uncaring if it might be selfish, I take one more moment, lean down, and press my lips against my mother’s urn. If I close my eyes hard enough, maybe I can will myself back to before.
Later that evening, we’re sitting at Mama’s where we held the post service reception for her few coworkers and mine who came. Having long kicked off our shoes, I tuck my feet under my rear when Paige comes out of the kitchen with a bottle of wine and three wineglasses. After filling them, she passes one to Austyn and me, then lifts her glass and toasts, “To Helen. For never giving up.”