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I need to talk to him, to find out why.
Instead, I drop into the rocker across from his and set it in motion, not saying a word. Waiting for him to speak first.
It doesn’t take long. “You and your mother used to sit right there.”
“I have a faint memory of her reading me books. Maybe some of that occurred right here. Then again, maybe you’re just lying to me about her.”
He flinches. “Have a lot to say sorry for.”
“You lied, Dad.” I stop the motion of my chair. “Why?”
His face takes on a thoughtful cast. “Pain. Pride. Take your pick.”
Despite my feelings for what my father did to our family, my empathy for the body my father’s trapped in makes me ask, “Let me try to translate? You felt like less of a man because she got into that wreck? Because you couldn’t bring her back and Paige was born?”
He stares deep into my eyes before giving me a slow nod. “Over the years, I began to resent…”
Because I know him well, it’s easy for me to complete his sentence. “Paige. Because she looked like Mama?”
Nod.
“Acted like her?”
Nod.
I swallow and ask the toughest, “Fell in love?”
His eyes close. For a long moment, I think he’s drifted asleep until I track a lone tear down his cheek. “Why should the son of the bast…”
“Bastards?”
Nod.
“Why should the son of the bastards who took Mama fall in love with the girl who looked just like her? Is that what you were trying to say?”
Nod. Another tear falls. “Wrong. Loves Paige. Austyn. Me too. Wrong.”
“Yeah, Dad. You were wrong.”
Shame wars with love when he admits, “Lied. But miss your mama. Still. ”
“Dad, yes, you lied. But your lies?” I shake my head. “They didn’t just touch Paige, Austyn, and Beckett. Those lies touched Jesse. Me. Those lies were far-reaching.”
His tears are falling ceaselessly now. He reaches for a tissue, but his hand is trembling. I lean over and hand it to him, appreciating what Jesse said now differently. Sitting back in my chair, I study the man whose behavior I let cloud a large part of my adult life. “I’m not certain I’ll ever forget what you did in the name of love.”
He accepts my words with a slight inclination of his head. But who am I, another liar, to sit in judgment? My father told lies and broke apart multiple relationships because of love? I did it because of my job, uncaring of the fact that I broke the heart of the woman I love in the process. “The problem is, you raised a son who lied for a living, so I know how much lying hurts. It gets so you don’t know what you said to who. It makes it so you don’t know who you are. You say the wrong thing at the wrong time and then live in a world of regret eating away at your soul.”
His eyes bulge out and his lips part. “So, it’s not up to me to forgive or forget what you did, Dad. The only person who can do that is waiting for you on the other side. And trust me, if she’s anything like Paige, Austyn, and Fallon, Mama’s gonna be pissed. I hope you have your apology A-game ready. You’re going to need it.”
He swallows repeatedly before he rasps, “Love you, son. All of you. Still sorry.”
I lean forward and lean my forehead against his. “I know.”
I know he is because I am.
I just have a longer chance to make it up to the woman I love. I hope.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE