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As we sit there, surrounded by the echoes of the past and the promise of the future, I know that forgiveness won't come easy—but for the first time in a long time, I'm willing to fight for it. That’s when she lets out a heartfelt sigh. “I’m afraid.”
“To trust me?”
She nods. “Right now, everything you do causes my heart to brace. I have to guard myself against our past and live in my present. I’m constantly on guard.”
I rub my chest where my heart lives, certain a kick from one of the horses on my family’s farm would have hurt less. “Christ.” Until that moment, I was not certain I understood the battle I was facing.
Still, because she’s Fallon, she rescues me. “But maybe, for the first time since this happened, I don’t fear the future.”
CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
Conversation Starter: Are you afraid of trying or giving up?
—Viego Martinez, Celebrity Blogger
I’m curled up on the couch with Austyn on FaceTime as she implores me to consider what she’s saying. "I don't know, Austyn. Right now, the idea of New York City just seems overwhelming." Particularly since I want to hide in the dark, away from everything and everyone.
Austyn’s voice is filled with excitement and determination. “Come on, Fal. It will be good for you. You’ll have plenty of people here and won’t be so alone.”
I think about the people I have left in Seven Virtues—Ruby, Layla, Caroline, Levi, and people tied to Devil’s Lair or to the hospital. I let out an involuntary shudder. Austyn, catching it, lifts her hands. “I get it, I do. But think about it—new opportunities, new experiences. But it’s a chance to start fresh. You can't tell me that doesn't sound appealing."
I sigh, torn between the familiarity of Seven Virtues and the allure of being lost amid millions of people. “What about my job?” Despite being Mom’s sole benefactor, I want to save that money for the special events.
Buying my first home.
Getting married.
Having a baby.
Then I cringe. Right. Like those things are going to happen now that the picture isn’t fully developed on who will be in my life. With things so up in the air between Ethan and I, and being unable to imagine anyone else fulfilling those roles, I’ve lost more than just him. I’ve lost the vision I had of my future. But working at Biltmore is my final dream I haven’t let go of yet. Through all this, I’ve managed to hold on to a piece of myself.
Austyn saves me from my depression. "Your job isn't everything, and you know it. Maybe it's time for a change. You've been through so much, Fal. Moving to New York could be just what you need to heal." Then she suggests slyly, “And who says it has to be the city.”
“What do you mean?”
She gives me an idea I never thought of, causing my jaw to drop. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Her face morphs into one of tenderness. “Fal, you’ve been taking hit after hit. Why would that even be on your radar?”
The mention of my recent losses sends shooting pangs of grief through my heart. I struggle to hold back tears. “I just... I don't know if I can do it. I need to think.”
“I understand, I do. But I also know you, Fallon. Remember what I said. You're stronger than you think. And besides, you won't be alone. You’ll have all of us nearby.”
What’s left unsaid is, just not Ethan. The absence of those words makes my chest hurt. I rub my thighs with my sweaty palms even as my mind spins with possibilities and doubts. “I’m not saying yes or no. I’ll consider it, okay? I promise."
“That's all I ask. Just promise me you'll at least think about it.”
After we disconnect the call, I feel relief from the pressure, but there’s something there that’s been missing since the night Ethan ripped out my heart.
Hope.
Excitement.
Maybe Austyn’s right. Maybe starting over in New York could be exactly what I need.
Curious, I log into my employee portal at work and search “Transfers.” I’m surprised when I find pages of information to read. My heart thuds in my chest as I realize that maybe a few people who love me are orchestrating my healing from somewhere I can’t get to.
At least not yet.