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As I’m speaking, I can see the vast mountains from my hospice bed. They’re waiting for me—a reminder they took your father from us far too many years ago. Yet, they’re also telling me a story of endurance—that you’ll survive after I’m long gone. Staring at the mountains offers a sense of people I know I’m never going to experience again except in the precious few moments when you’re telling me you love me.
It’s nowhere near as much as I love you.
My heart is in tatters that I made you suffer this alone now that Paige and Austyn are here. How could I do this to you, Fallon? Because my pride was in shreds? What malarkey. Yet, you shouldered this burden alone. From what Paige says, not even Ethan knows.
If you haven’t told him, you should.
There’s no place for pride in love, my Fallon. It’s one of the many reasons I’m grateful you never took after either your father or me in that regard. Oh, I’ve encouraged you to be a strong, hard-headed, determined woman who has no qualms about going after what she wants, but to be too stubborn to ask for help? Your father would have been much like me, refusing to ask for help. Still, I hope he forgives me when I see him again for adding to your burden. He will be furious with me for not allowing you to share your pain. He would never have stood for such foolishness. He may have been a prideful man, but he was a good one.
Much like your Ethan is.
Despite you thinking you can keep a secret, I know how you accrued the money to supplement my treatment, Fallon. As I dictate this letter to Paige, tears fall down my face. I’m humbled my grown daughter would go to such lengths to save my life. You could be jeopardizing your future, but that doesn’t matter to you.
I do, I matter because you love me.
I know you’re likely wondering how I found out. It’s not that hard, sweetheart. Your boss—Florence?—came by to see me after you went to get food the other day. She wanted to reassure me any debt would be canceled out after…well, after.
I must confess, darling, I’m concerned about your working conditions—and judging by Paige’s face, so is she. But, going on my gut instinct, I trust this Florence to hold her promise to me and you.
After she left, Paige started talking about your strength and heart. We both agree, you have a soul that deserves to fly, to soar. She reassured me she’d help you however you may need it.
If nothing else, she relieved my mind, as she knew it would.
There are other letters you’ll receive when the time is right, but for now, I want to talk to you about what happens after.
Loving after death.
It’s both horribly simplistic and beautifully difficult—I need you to keep holding on to life. Long before I got ill, I made up a list of things I wanted to see in my life. I almost got through them.
Watch Fallon ride a bike.
Watch her go to her prom.
See her graduate high school.
Be at her college graduation.
Meet the man she’s in love with.
The only ones I won’t be able to check off are walking you down the aisle and meeting any future grandchildren, should that be your path in life.
Don’t hide yourself away, my Fallon. Don’t. Make up your own list of all the things you want from your life. Then live after me. Live for me. Live the way I lived for your father even when there were days I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to lift my head off the pillow until you stood at my side and asked me if I was hungry. Live to find love. Live for love. Live because you love.
Above all, Fal? Live for you. Fall in love with yourself. Having loved you almost a quarter of a century, I know you’re worth the greatest love there is.
Eternal.
I have to end this now, darling. I’m tired. Sometimes, the exhaustion is unbearable. Still, if there was one person I’d continue to fight for, it would be you.
Know I’ll be waiting to give you a hug in the after. So will your father.
All my love. Always.
Mama.
By the time I’m done, tears are dripping down my face. I lay my mother’s precious words to the side and do what I’ve wanted to do since I woke up this morning.
I let loose all the emotion bottled up inside me. It’s too much for me to handle on my own. I cry because I lost my mother. I cry because I lost Ethan.