Page 122 of Not How I Saw That Going

I jump behind the couch before she can chuck it. The war was scary, but so is Collins when pregnant.

“Okay, why don’t you two take this conversation outside? You’re scaring the kids.” Jeremy places himself in the danger zone and gently pries the figurine out of her hand.

What a saint, that man.

Collins blinks, releases the figurine, then forces a smile onto her lips. It doesn’t fool me, but it satisfies the kids long enough to stop shaking.

I’m kidding, they aren’t shaking. I am.

I head out back to the patio and glance around, making sure there is nothing to be hurled at my head. I snatch the softball off the loveseat and toss it into the yard.

“Sorry,” Collins says.

I flinch and face her. If she wants to hurl something at me, I’d like to see it coming.

Collins plops down in one of the outdoor chairs with an exhausted sigh. She props her leg up on an ottoman and leans back, her hands resting on the small swell of her stomach.

I take the seat opposite her and stretch my legs out.

“Long day?” I ask, hoping she doesn’t feel like tearing my head off still.

“I’ve thrown up three times. And missed ballet pictures for the girls. Then I spent two hours in the grocery store because each child decided to have a meltdown about something and I conveniently forgot what I needed, so I had to go back. Twice.”

“That’s awful. I’m sorry.” I hate to admit to myself that I’m jealous. No one wants to be the one in charge of the screaming child in the store, but right now, all I want is just that. If it meant Crew and Lyndi were still in my life.

“It’s Lyndi, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” I blink and focus on my sister.

“That’s why you’ve been here for dinner every night, why you stay late, and why you look like someone kicked your puppy.”

“Probably you.” I mutter, evidently loud enough for Collins to hear, and she sends me a glare. Is super hearing a pregnancy thing too? “Kidding.” I sigh and gaze out at the falling sun. “You may be right.“

“Always am,” she says confidently.

“I just… I’m trying so hard to be patient with her, to wait for her to come back to me, but why can’t she see that I can protect her—if she’ll just let me.” I screwed up with my team, but I have a chance to fix it all with her. I scrub a hand down my face, noticing the small, scruffy beard. I haven’t bothered to shave since that night a week ago.

“Maybe she is broken. Maybe she isn’t. But maybe she needs to know that she has the power to save herself. Not everyone needs a Prince Charming to swoop them off their feet and rescue them from their demons. Sometimes we want to do it ourselves.”

“When did you become such a feminist?” I ask, but Collins only glares at me. She’s one of the strongest women I know, and I understand what she’s saying.

Lyndi is capable of solving her own problems. She’s gotten this far in life without me; maybe she doesn’t need me at all. But dang it, I need her.

“I just… feel like I failed her. Like I failed everyone else.”

“We all fail. You’ve got to stop focusing on only your failures and look at the good you’ve done in your life, in your career.”

“But the good I’ve done will never be enough.” I sniff back the emotion rising in my throat. If I cry now, then Collins and I are tied.

“Your best is good enough,” she says softly.

I was beginning to believe that when I was with Lyndi, but after losing control with Rodney, I’m not sure I can.

“I almost lost myself with Rodney. My brain took me right back to the war, and that scared me.” I’ve never been so vulnerable with my sister before, and her silence only cements in my brain how wrong my actions were. No wonder Lyndi didn’t trust me enough to tell me about Rodney’s phone calls. I can barely trust myself after the way I hurt Rodney.

“If you’re lost, you can always be found,“ she says softly. “Don’t hate me for saying it, but maybe you should reconsider therapy.”

I don’t hate her. In fact, it’s been on my mind a lot the past week.