Page 119 of Not How I Saw That Going

“You need time.”

Can time fix this? Fix me?

But I just nod. “Yes.”

He backs up to the chair and falls into the seat. “I understand. Get some sleep. I can take you home to Crew tomorrow.”

His voice is devoid of emotion, and it rakes against my heart. I want more than anything to tell him how much I love him, but I can’t. It would be selfish, knowing I’ll never be what he deserves. Maybe Sophie can be that person for him, even though the thought makes my stomach churn. At least his mom will be happy. Maybe, in time, he will be too. I want him to be happy.

Besides, I already confessed my feelings for him once tonight. They were unreciprocated.

My inner demon laughs at me and aims her pitchfork right at the hole in my chest. I stupidly thought I could take back my life with one split-second decision in the middle of a crowded mall, but I don’t feel like a queen. Just an imposter.

I turn over, but instead of going to sleep, I check my phone. Maddie must be worried sick. My fingers hover over her name when another message draws my attention.

My mother?

I click on the notification before I can change my mind.

Mom:I saw your video online and I’m not impressed. What were you thinking? You’ve always been such a disgrace to our family. I’ve never been so disappointed in you.

I almost laugh, but I don’t because it will hurt.

What’s one more bullet to my heart right now?

I close the app, lay back down, and shut my eyes. Sleep doesn’t find me.

Forty Two

Lyndi

“So,youknowIlove you, and you and Crew can live with me forever. But for crying out loud, Lyndi, get off that couch before I have to burn it.”

I blink. Look right at my best friend. Then look away again.

“I’m grieving. And hiding from my trauma, and…” There was one other thing. Shoot, I forgot the last excuse. “And the couch has fully formed around my body. I can’t move even if I want to.” There. That should do it.

“I know. I know.” She holds up her hands in surrender. “The last couple of days have been a nightmare. But it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up. Time to face the consequences of your actions.”

I purse my lips. “And those were again?”

“Do you really want me to spell them out for you?” She looks at me with pity.

I pull my blanket over my head, hiding from her judgment. “I hate it when you mother me.”

“Someone has to.” She rips off the blanket, leaving me naked and afraid. Not really. I’m wearing clothes. But it feels similar.

I know I shouldn’t be sitting here pouting about breaking up with Ward. It had been my choice. Yet here I am, throwing a pity party, complete with my BFF Jess from New Girl and a pan of brownies.

I know I’ve got problems. Why else would I let the man of my dreams go?But did I ever really have him in the first place?I told him I needed to focus on me and Crew, but I’ve barely played with my own son in the last two days. I’m a hypocrite. And a liar. And a coward.

So much for being my own queen.

I thought I was past letting Rodney control my life, but he showed up and with a few well-aimed insults, turned me back into the girl I used to be. One message from my mom and everything I’ve done to pull myself out of that pit was for naught. If I’m being honest with myself, I never really got out of it. I just pretended it didn’t exist. Every time Rodney called, or Ward’s mother geared up for one of her not-so-subtle digs, I remembered who I really was beneath the façade.

“Come on.” Maddie yanks the pillow out from under my head and my face lands on the hard armrest.

“Ow.” I groan, rubbing the edge of my eyebrow.