Page 11 of Not How I Saw That Going

I pick him up, even though he’s half my size, but it still manages to calm him. Every tear, every fight, I’ll do again and again for him. He’s my son, and he always will be.

I rub his back and he murmurs some song about turtles. We finally start walking again, back into the throng of people instead of creating a detour for everyone else to go around.

“So,” Maddie clears her throat, “I know you don’t like blind dates but I—”

“Nope.” I cut my best friend off. “Don’t even finish that statement.”

The last one she had set me up with was awful enough to last me ten years. Granted, he was an attractive and successful dentist, and for all of thirty minutes I considered myself lucky enough to be with him. That’s where his good qualities ended. After dinner, he made me floss. In the middle of Applebee’s. I’ve never been so humiliated. Not even that one time Crew insisted he had a rock stuck up his nose and I had the doctor take three x-rays just to be safe, only for Crew to pull said rock out of his pocket and announce to the entire ER department that it must have “falled out.”

“I haven’t flossed since Doctor what’s-his-butt,” I say, glaring at the dentist’s memory.

Maddie raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, way to show him.”

“Seriously, I don’t need a man. I’m perfectly happy as I am.” I pat Crew’s back again, and then because I can’t carry him like I used to, I set him down. He takes it as an invitation to run to the gumball machine in the middle of the hallway.

“Mommy, I want a quarter!”

Dang it,I should have held him a little longer.

Maddie retrieves two quarters from her purse and hands them to Crew. “So you want to be alone forever?” she asks, returning to the conversation.

Ouch. That stings. Which was no doubt her intent. She goes for shock and awe.

“I’m not alone. I have Crew and you. A guy won’t fix my problems.” Gosh, there are so many, he’d have no clue where to start.

Rodney only ever succeeded at making my life more miserable. Tearing me down with his words, making sure I knew my place. He broke me into microscopic pieces, each one more torn and frayed than the last. It took me years to put myself back together. That’s not something I want to risk again.

Relationships only bring drama, and I get enough of that with my current little dude.

To be fair, he also gives the best hugs and kisses in the world.

But…what would it be like to be loved? For real this time.

I glance at my precious boy, currently scooping fallen M&M’s off the mall floor.Ew.

I might not be the best mother—obviously—but Crew will never have to wonder if he was loved.

Different versions of myself flit through my memory. The child who tried to do everything right but still failed. The teenager who gave up trying to please anyone. The naïve young woman who let a drug dealer sweep her off her feet. And last, the mom who is always worried she’s not enough.

I’ve done everything I can to show Crew we will always have enough. But what if I want more? For me, for us?

I stop walking.

“What’s that?” Maddie waves a finger in front of my nose. “What are you doing with your face? You look constipated.”

“I’ve just had an epiphany. And…” I pause for dramatic effect. “I’m choosing my own destiny.” I smile triumphantly.

“Which means..?”

“Which means I’m done letting my past control me. It never did me any good.” I throw my head back and fling my arms behind me, Queen Elsa style. Time to let it all go.

“Hey! Watch it.” A passerby glares at me and I drop my hands.

Maddie’s eyes light up with intrigue. “What does that mean exactly?”

“It means cue the makeover montage music!” I throw a hand to the sky this time so I don’t hurt innocent bystanders. “I’m becoming my own queen.”

A teenager to my left snickers, but no fairy dust falls from the sky and no music starts playing. Sometimes I forget real life isn’t as fun as the movies.