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Hugging everyone goodbye, I remind them to call me if something changes. I turn to the door, we walk to the car, and Austin drives us to get some food. My heart feels like it’s being torn in half right now, leaving this place. Leaving her side.
She holds the key to making me feel whole again.
* * *
Once we get back to the apartment, I make sure my phone is on as loud as it can be and plug it into the charger. I walk back out to the living room and sit on the couch.
“What’s going on that head of yours, Hawthorne?” Austin looks up from his phone.
“Man, so much. So fucking much. Fuck.” Running my hands through my hair, I sigh. “She needs to pull out of this. It makes me so nervous that they still have her under and on the ventilator. I just want to talk to her and hold her and tell her everything will be ok. I can’t lose her; we just started making plans. We just fixed all the wrong.”
“I know, but she’ll be okay. They have her under so she can heal. Her body went through a lot. Besides the surgery, they need to make sure the swelling in her head goes down. The doc said it wasn’t a lot, but enough to call for making sure she can heal by letting her rest. They’ll wake her up soon.” Austin places his elbows on his knees. “Go take a shower and try to unwind a bit, okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” A hot shower sounds like something I need right now.
I head into the bathroom and start the shower. Memories of us in the cabin as well as ones of Kat and I here in this apartment come back to me. She is everywhere. I see her in every part of my life; the memories live in every part of my head. I am surrounded by her. That was one of the reasons I stayed with Austin during the Emma fiasco. No matter where I look, there’s Kat.
After removing my clothes, I step into the shower, and I can smell her shampoo instantly. Popping the top open, I sniff the lavender shampoo. My chest squeezes, and my stomach twists. So many things can happen with her being under and on a ventilator.
“Fuck. I miss you so much, Kat.” It’s at that moment I let everything catch up to me. Tears burst from my eyes, and I let myself cry. My body drops to the floor of the shower and I bring my knees up to my chest. Everything comes out. I held in my emotions for as long I could. I’m bound to break at some point, and right now seems like the perfect time.
I’m not sure how long I’m in the shower for, but I get out well after the water is no longer hot. Grabbing the towel from the nearby hook, I dry off. I throw on a pair of pants and check my phone. There’s nothing from anyone I care to hear from at this point in time. “Anyone” being Kat. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Everything will be fine.
I lie on the bed and pull her pillow into me. I wrap myself around it, as if it were Kat and she was curled up into me. My body feels cold without her.
My vision grows blurry again, and I can feel the tears well in my eyes. My body shakes as raw despair floods out of me and down my cheeks. I wish I could take her place. Just let me take her pain away.
Eventually, exhaustion gets to me, and I fall asleep wishing I was holding Kat.
* * *
I’ll never admit it out loud, but I needed that sleep. My body was so tired, I ended up sleeping straight through the night and into the next morning. Of course, Austin stayed with me the entire night. He’s a good man; someone I would call a best friend. I genuinely can’t thank him enough for what he’s done for me. Now that I’m fully rested and no one has called, I can head back to see Kat.
Once we get back to the hospital, her parents fill me in. She was stable all night, and the doctor will be stopping by this morning. Liz and I decide we’ll both wait for the doctor. So, we sit with her, and Liz tells me stories about Kat. I pull up a chair and take Kat’s hand in mine while I listen.
“Kat had this Alvin and the Chipmucks Christmas CD. She loved that CD. Shoot, what was the name of that song?” She bites her nail, trying to think of the name. “Oh!Christmas Don’t be Late! This one here played it over and over on the stereo system. By mid-June, we found the CD and hid it. She cried for days over it. We eventually got it back and had to pray that it would stop working at some point.”
“Kat loves Christmas, so I can see that happening.” I chuckle, breaking out into a small smile at the thought.
“She’s always been big on Christmas. It means so much to her. Not because of the gifts or anything, but because to her it’s about family. We cook, decorate, bake cookies, anything together as a family. Family to her is the most important thing.” Liz collects herself, wiping tears from her cheeks and sniffling.
“When she was little, she wanted eight kids. Four boys and four girls. She had names picked out and how she was going to decorate each room. And if she couldn’t have kids, she was going to adopt; giving kids a home and a place to feel loved. Kat has always had a big heart, it’s just a shame that the world can be so cruel.” Her face grows dark, and she averts her eyes, instead looking back at Kat.
“I know she does. It’s one of the many reasons I love her. She tries so hard to overcome what she deals with, what’s thrown at her, and she does it with such fortitude. I can’t help but admire and respect her.” I say, sighing. Kat’s my phoenix.
“You know, Kat’s been a different person since she met you.” Liz admits, getting up and standing next to her daughter on the other side of the hospital bed. She brushes Kat’s face and runs her hands over the top of Kat’s hair.
I rub my tired eyes, glancing at Kat along with her, drinking her in. Fuck, I miss her. “Well, to be honest, I feel like I’ve been a different person since I met her. A better person since I met her.”
“You both have such an immense love for each other. The two of you are so lucky to have found each other. Not everyone gets to know a love like yours.” She smiles and me and then down at her daughter.
Liz comes over and pulls me into a hug. “I know you’ll always protect my baby girl, and I know you’ll keep her safe. So, thank you.”
“Always,” My eyes get a little misty when we hug. Just as we pull apart, the doctor comes in.
“Good morning,” Dr. Benson greets us as he walked in. “So, I have some good news. Katrina’s healing very well. Her blood and hemoglobin levels are looking good. Her stitches are healing nicely—even better than expected. She’s a healthy young woman, so that helps.”
“When will you wake her up?” I turn to Kat and squeeze her hand.