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She must have noticed the change in my demeanor, because she says, “Stop. Just stop. Don’t be negative while eating my pancakes.” Vic gives me a pointed look. “You’re doing better now. Don’t bring yourself down, okay?”
“I just miss him. Everything that thought I had with him, I miss. I loved him. What’s worse is that I gave him a part of me I can’t get back.” My vision becomes blurry.
Vicki scoots closer to me and wraps her arm around me. She puts her head on my shoulder and rubs my arm. “I know. It’ll get better. I promise, it’ll get better.” We sit there in silence for a little while longer, eating our food.
“Okay, I’m going to take off. There’s so much to do today, and I need to book the cabin for this weekend. If we can’t get it, we can try again next weekend. Sound good?” Vicki takes both our plates and put them in the sink.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Let me know.” Picking up my book, I go back to reading it. About three pages in, my mind goes back to Bryce. Nothing makes sense.
I was so sure that he felt something for me. We had a connection, and he went out of his way to make me feel safe. There were so many nights he made me feel comfortable, so many nights that he put me first. If I was only temporary, why make that much effort?
I feel that pain again. That loss. So, I do what I do best lately. I cry it out.
* * *
Vicki was able to get the cabin for just for today with a check out late tomorrow. At least I’ll still be able to enjoy some peace and quiet with a beautiful view. It wasn’t the entire weekend I was looking for, but it would still be a pleasant escape.
I’m getting ready and packing a couple things to wear along with my laptop and necessities when Vicki calls me.
“Hey Vic, what’s up?” I rest the phone between my head and shoulder, my hands still at work getting things together.
“Hey, so I could get an earlier check-in. I’m going there now to get us checked in. Head up there as soon as you can.” she says excitedly.
“Really? Awesome. Okay. Well, I’m just finishing up with the packing now, so maybe I’ll just Lyft up there so we can drive back together. Does that work?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. Now get your ass up here! We got some relaxing to do, woman.” She disconnects the call before I can respond.
I gather a few things up and finish packing. I go into my dresser to grab a bra and I find the picture that Bryce and I took with Santa over Christmas. It was the dumbest thing to do and everyone was looking at us like we were crazy, which we were. Well, he was, for wanting to take the damn picture. I let out a laugh thinking about that day. Then, there’s a sharp pain in my chest.
I would’ve never done something like that by myself. He was what made it okay.
That also makes everything else not okay. He was my shield, my knight in shining armor, my defender. I don’t have any of that anymore; I don’t have him anymore. My Bryce armor’s gone. While I know I need to learn how to overcome things myself, I loved his support. Bryce could always push me to try things and at the same time know when to pull me back.
So, where did I go wrong? How did I not see that I wasn’t it? Was it all my issues? Maybe it was too much for him.
Except, I was his everything. He was happy. Like he said, we didn’t meet by chance. If all our paths led to each other, why am I walking alone?
I sit on the floor and hang my head. That feeling, that itch to stay inside, is creeping up again. I don’t want to see anyone. I’m just better off alone; I can only count on me. My old friends weren’t truthful; Ryan betrayed me. Hell, the entire school did everything they could to keep me on edge. I couldn’t trust a single soul in that building. Then, of course, Bryce. Bryce was the worst of it because I gave him more of me than I’ve ever given to anyone.
And he crushed me.
I let the tears fall as I wipe them away from my face.
I haven’t even seen him this past month. In the past, I would sometimes hear him walking around after work, but for the last month, nothing. He disappeared after taking me to the hospital.
I was just too messed up for him to love.
I finally pull myself up off the ground and slowly finish packing. While I’m getting the last of my things into my suitcase, my phone beeps.
Vicki: Did you leave yet?
Me: No. Had a bit of a Bryce breakdown. Found a picture of us. My mind took it from there.
Vicki: Okay, look. You really need this. So, let’s go. Get your ass in an Uber or some shit and get the fuck up here. We can cry it out more if you need to over wine and tequila.
Me: Nothing good ever happens with tequila, Vic.
Vicki: Exactly. Trouble, here we come!