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What I didn’t know was what it meant. It could have been innocent—just something he didn’t want me to see. Or it could be that he was talking to someone else.
I knew I was not the person he spent his nights with before. But I also trusted that he wouldn’t cheat. Whatever he had before me was put on hold for the time being, and both of us knew it.
I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do this, that he could keep whoever this person was as long as it didn’t blow our cover.
But was that what I wanted?
We’d gotten physical, and while it didn’t mean anything, it was something more than I expected. Could I live with myself if I wanted more and he was with someone else at the same time? Or would I make myself suffer even more than I already was?
“I ... It’s not what you think.”
“Does it affect the marriage?”
“It won’t.”
I could see the ghost of Gram telling me this was how men were. She’d gone through this time and time again.
This was my reminder—one that I desperately needed.
“Then I’ll pretend I didn’t see it.”
“Amy,” he began, “Ipromise?—”
“You don’t have to promise anything.”
It was better if he didn’t.
I wouldn’t get let down that way.
My eyes finally met his and I saw the look.
Guilt.
It would have gutted me had I not known Gram.
“The first time I got my heart broken, he told me he regretted it the second he did it. He felt terrible. Helookedterrible. And that’s real life, Amy. People do bad things and they feel bad about them. But it doesn’t make what they did right.”
Levi hadn’t cheated on me, but there was something else going on.
And whatever it wasneededto be the thing that prevented me from falling for him.
“Let’s finish up here,” I said. “There’s a drive-up vista point that I want to see, and then I need to sit in hot water to recover from that hike.”
“You want another bath?”
Yeah, right.I wasn’t letting last night happen again.
“No, a shower this time. I need to wash away all of the dirt and grime of the day.”
And maybe I could wash away the feeling of regret too.
Chapter Fifteen
Seeingthose messages was exactly what I needed. The next morning, I wasn’t all over Levi, which meant I wasn’t horny and about to make another mistake.
Getting thrown back into reality wasn’t fun, but it was good for me. I felt more in control, more grounded than I had since this marriage started.
Levi had told me one day that this would all make sense, and he was right. It did now.