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“I figured you saw me as who I was nine years ago, not who I am now.”
What happened nine years ago was my reminder that I couldn’t get too deep into this. And yet I’d slowly forgotten it as Levi had done more and moreforme instead ofagainstme.
“It was a long time ago,” I said slowly. “And if you’re serious about this ... aboutme,then you have to give me something. Anything.”
“I’ll give you whatever you want.”
“Then it needs to beyou.Even the parts you try to hide.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t see why you’d want that.”
“Telling me to trust you is hard. You’re asking me to put my faith in you and I want the same in return.”
His eyes met mine. “I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Did you really think this was going to be you doing everything for me?”
“Honestly, yes.”
I shook my head. “Maybe someone else would want that, but I don’t. So, please open up to me.”
He started to speak but then stopped. “I . . . don’t think I know how to.”
“I can help with that. First, we’re gonna talk about how this felt foryou. That’s where we start.”
“But it happened toyou.”
“Come on, Levi. We’re married. We’ve been joking about the phrase ‘what’s mine is yours and yours is mine,’ but there’s a nugget of truth in that. I’m sure you felt some of the stress too. And I’m okay. I really am. I’ve recovered. So, it’s time to give you space to feel how you do.”
Levi’s hand landed on the counter and he drummed a nervous beat as he worked out what to say. I waited, but he only seemed to grow more conflicted.
“Come on.” I walked over to him and grabbed his hand to lead him to the couch.
“I have something in the toaster.”
“That can wait. We’re talking about this.” I sat next to him. “Isra mentioned that this meant something to you.”
He turned to me. “You heard that?”
“I did. And I heard how you dodged everything she was trying to say.”
“I didn’t want to worry her.”
“Yeah, that seems to be a theme with you,” I said dryly. “Now, why did you not want to open up to her?”
“Isra and I butt heads a lot, but it’s because we’re similar. Too similar. We try to fix things when they go wrong. When Dad died ...” He trailed off.
“You can tell me,” I urged.
“I . . . I think it was her breaking point. And Mom’s. I’d never seen them like that, so I stepped in. I handled the funeral and all of it. I think both of them feel bad, but especially her. She’s been trying to make up for it ever since. But they didn’t do anything wrong.”
“So when did you deal with it? Or did you deal with it at all?”
“I read. And I thought about what I read. Sure, it wasn’t direct, but it was nice to be reminded that people can die and things would be okay. And Iamokay. I did eventually process Dad’s death. And I had someone to help me.”
“A friend?”
“Yeah. They were key to it.”