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I will be a father of the very thing I swore I couldn’t handle.
I don’t even know what the fuck the term father even means. It’s just a word at this point.
“That’s great,” I finally say, forcing that sincerity into my tone I’ve been practicing. “Are you happy?”
Callie nods. “I was kind of hoping for a little girl to dress up. But I don’t care either way. As long as it’s healthy.”
Fear knots in my chest. I never thought about that part until now. “Is he?”
“Yes.”
Now what do I say? Am I supposed to say congratulations to her?
Fuck. You’re horrible at this.
“Are you happy?” she asks, her eyes searching mine.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. “That’s Mase. I have practice.”
“Okay.” Her face crumbles. I’ve said the wrong thing, haven’t I? “I’m meeting Ami and Judy for breakfast anyways.”
We leave it at that, and I don’t answer her question. I have practice, and honestly, that’s where my head is. We’re down in the series, and we need to figure this shit out, or we will be out of the playoffs. If I’m being honest with you, the season is slipping, and I already know we’re out of it.
Outside my condo, the news sinks in.
A dad to a boy.
Fuck. I kinda wish it was a girl. At least then I can fake it better. Fake it? Is that what I’m doing?
I have these quiet moments, times where I think about what has changed recently for me and how I’m dealing with it. It usually hits me on the team plane, when the lights are down low and the guys are sleeping. It’s when I’m left to my own thoughts. Time when the fear of being a father almost brings me to my knees.
It screams,“HE’LL NEVER BE A GOOD ENOUGH FATHER OR HUSBAND!”
And I can’t shut the voices off, the loudest of the voices being my own mom and dad. When I said I didn’t want to be a dad, my reasons were selfish, like I’ve said. But it’s from fear of failure.
I fear someone depending on me.
I fear letting someone down the way I was let down.
CHAPTER19
BUTTERFLY
LEO
A style of goaltending where the goalie drops to their knees to cover the lower half of the net with the leg pads.
The season endstwo games later when the Canucks knock us out of the playoffs. I never liked starting the offseason on a sour note, like losing, but I also understand you can’t win all the games. You can’t repeat a season like last year when you give up so many opportunities as we had.
Anybody who’s ever been around hockey players will tell you that a game is never just a game to them. It can’t be. Not with as much heart as we put into it.
As the season comes to an end, I have no idea what the offseason will bring with Callie in my life now and the idea of being a father in a few months.
I know one thing. I need to get my head right and figure out how to promise her forever. That same guy who fights for that passion on the ice needs to do it off the ice too.
* * *
July– Offseason