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When Callie returnshome early Sunday morning, I make sure the condo is completely clean, trying to give her the impression I know what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t, but it’s nice to give off the impression from time to time.
I also have to be at the arena by ten and need to go see Ryland before that.
Callie isn’t so convinced I knew what I was doing when she sees Caleb wearing a diaper with hockey tape on it. “So… how’d it go?” You can see the humor in her eyes immediately, like she desperately wants to say I told you so.
I rub my eyes, wanting to lie to her, but I don’t. I cave from lack of sleep. “It was awful. I don’t know how people do this and still stay sane. I completely get why my dad left if I was like that.” Her eyes widen in panic, and I immediately understand what I said and how that must have seemed. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.” I make her sit next to me on the couch, careful not to wake the baby.
She peeks at him and then stares at me, waiting. “What did you mean?”
“What I meant was I underestimated everything you were going through.”
“It’s… okay.” She touches my arm lightly, wanting to say so much more, but turns to go. “I get what you mean. Babies are a lot of work.” Her eyes land on Caleb, sleeping soundly. “But I wouldn’t change a minute of it. All night, I was jealous that you were here with him, and I was missing these moments with him.”
“He cried the entire time,” I grumble. “You didn’t miss much but his impressive set of lungs.”
Her eyes soften. “I love it all, though. At first I was sad and depressed, thinking I wasn’t good for him, or he hated me, but when I’m away from him, I realize how much love I have for him, and it’s suffocating. I’ve never felt this before. I don’t know how anyone could walk out on their child.”
“I really was teasing,” I assure her. “I wouldn’t leave either.”
“I know.”
But does she? There’s sadness in her answer that makes me want to grab her and hug the shit out of her.
I stare at her, my hand behind her head brushing a loose strand of hair aside. “Will you go somewhere with me today?”
“Yeah…” She doesn’t hesitate. “Where?”
“I want you to meet someone.”
Callie knows who I’m talking about. I have never taken anyone with me while visiting Ryland before. Now, I need to. I can’t go alone this time. Not today. Jillian left me a message this morning and told me Ryland isn’t doing good, and I should come say goodbye.
I watch Callie get Caleb ready for the day, removing his hockey-taped diaper and changing him into clothes. I’ve heard women say there is nothing like the bond between a mother and a child. I personally never understood that saying.
But now I do.
The bond between Callie and Caleb is unbelievable. The way she looks at him, the way he watches her, you can feel the love between them. Strangely enough, I’m not jealous of it either. Maybe a little envy that I think she likes him more than me, but that’s also the part of their connection that’s so special. I never saw this growing up. Callie, she’d never leave this little dude. Not a chance.
“What the heck happened here?” she asks, holding up Caleb’s diaper with tape all over it.
I scratch the side of my head and flash a smile. “It wouldn’t stay on, so we taped it.”
“It wouldn’t stay on because you ripped the tabs off.” She motions to them next to the changing table.
Huh. Guess I missed doing that. Let’s face it, last night was a blur. Of bullshit.
* * *
Callieand I have Ami and Mase watch Caleb. I don’t feel comfortable having him at the hospital. Not only are there too many things he can catch, but I’m not sure what I’m walking into with Ryland. I’m not even sure she’s going to be awake.
Turns out she isn’t awake. She’s gone.
“I’m so sorry, Leo,” Jillian whispers, her hands on my shoulders as she pulls me into a hug. “She passed an hour ago.”
My heart sinks to my knees as I take in the words. Guilt slams into my chest and takes my breath. If I’d come just a little earlier, I could have at least seen her. But then again, my last memory of her was two months ago reading princess books and her laughing at me. I want that memory, not one of her dying.
I stand outside the room, my arms wrapped around Jillian, offering any condolences I can. I knew when I first started seeing Ryland she was terminal. I prepared myself any time I saw her, that someday, I’d be navigating this feeling. Hell, I even told myself not to get attached. But I did. I couldn’t help it. Nothing could have prepared me for the wave of emotion I would feel.
My teary eyes meet Callie’s, who’s standing near the wall, the same stoic expression on hers as tears fall.