Page 62 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop

LARS

Christmas Eve arrived which meant it was time to celebrate Jólabókaflóe . When Lily gave it to me as a pet project, I’d initially been a little apprehensive as to how it would go down but the reaction to the Yule Lads had been so positive that my anxiety had drifted away.

Freyja had been really helpful with her insights on how bookshops in Iceland celebrated Jólabókaflóe so I’d proposed several ideas to Lily, thinking she’d go for one or two, but she’d gone for them all.

The final Yule Lad arriving today was Kertasníkir, the ‘Candle Stealer’, although he didn’t just like their glow; he liked to eat them.

His image and explanation went in the window first thing and the Christmas Cat came out to make way for the explanation about Jólabókaflóe .

We’d had flyers made to hand out to customers and we’d partnered with Charlee’s Chocolates, Yorkshire’s Best and Bear With Me to create some gift boxes for sale in celebration of the book flood and the cosy feeling it evoked.

The adult version included a festive novel, a pair of fluffy socks and a bookish mug supplied by Bay Books, a hot chocolate stirrer and box of chocolates from the chocolaterie and a cranberry- or pine-scented candle with a small jar of matches from Yorkshire’s Best. The child’s version contained a festive picture book, colouring book and felt tips from us, a bag of festive chocolate treats from Charlee and a small soft toy from Bear With Me.

The boxes were available in all the partner shops with guidance that the book could be exchanged at Bay Books if the customer already had it.

In the bookshop, we also had a box covered in Christmas paper containing books offered at a reduced price.

Each one was gift-wrapped with a sticker on it outlining the key details – age, genre, brief premise.

Lily had said they’d done a blind date with a book for Valentine’s Day a few years back and it had gone down really well so it was definitely worth repeating the concept for Jólabókaflóe.

None of the activities were specifically a book exchange but more about providing the materials for others to exchange.

We were, after all, running a business so couldn’t just give a stack of books away.

The shop was buzzing all morning. Cassie wasn’t working with it being the school holidays but Alec, Flo and Cyndi were in and Shelby had dropped Marcus off for a couple of hours to sit behind the till and help us across lunchtime.

By the time he left, nearly all the Jólabókaflóe boxes had sold and we knew they’d gone down well in our partner businesses too with just two people requesting to swap their books.

The wrapped books had been heavily depleted too.

By 3p.m. there were still people in the shop but the queue had died down and the pressure was off. Cyndi finished her shift and Alec and Flo were restocking and tidying.

‘I think we’ve had our first successful Jólabókaflóe ,’ Lily said, smiling at me as I removed the four remaining mystery books from the box and placed them on the counter instead. ‘Are you pleased?’

‘I am. It’s been an amazing day. An amazing week, actually.’

There was nobody in the front part of the shop so I leaned across the counter for a sneaky kiss.

The Christmas playlist was on and we laughed as ‘We All Stand Together’ came round.

‘I keep thinking I should remove it because we get strange looks from the customers each time it comes on,’ Lily said, ‘but it’ll forever remind me of our first kiss, so I can’t.’

‘Are you calling me a frog?’ I joked.

‘If the cap fits… Might as well add it to your range of identities.’

By half three, there were only a couple of customers browsing so Lily told Alec and Flo they could head off early, leaving just the two of us.

Castle Street was still busy but it seemed to be people rushing home laden with bags of shopping or on their way to the pub rather than anyone actively trying to buy last-minute gifts.

‘That’s Christmas done for another year,’ Lily said, turning round the sign and locking the door at four o’clock. ‘And breathe…’

I flicked some of the lights off to convey that the shop was closed while Lily cashed up. I’d already run the vacuum cleaner round so I went downstairs to retrieve our coats and Lily’s bag.

‘I know we’re officially doing Jólabókaflóe at your mum and dad’s,’ I said when I returned, ‘but I have a couple of books that, for different reasons, I’d prefer to give you privately.’

‘Great minds, because I want to do the same, although I’ve only got one to give you now.’

Lily removed a large gift-wrapped book from the store cupboard next to Jeeves and I retrieved the two paperbacks I’d hidden under my coat and we went through to the children’s section.

‘This one first,’ I said, passing her one of the paperbacks, barely able to keep the smile off my face.

She ripped open the wrapping and burst out laughing when she saw what it was – I’ll Have What She’s Having . ‘Is this the actual copy we knocked off the shelf in our moment of passion?’

‘The very same one.’

‘That’s hilarious. I can see why you wouldn’t want to give me that in front of my parents. Might take a bit of explaining.’

I handed her the other one and she gasped as she opened it. ‘This is never a…’ She carefully opened the cover of Anne of Green Gables . ‘Oh, my God, Lars! It’s a first edition.’

‘I inspected your shelves and noticed you didn’t have one.’

She lightly ran her fingers over the cover, shaking her head. ‘I’ve dreamed of owning one but never imagined I would. Thank you so much, Lars. It’s amazing.’

She placed it down ever so gently before passing me her parcel. ‘I hope you like it but please forgive me if it’s misjudged.’

Intrigued, I carefully opened the gift wrap, removed a large hardback book and smiled at the title – Our Winter Nights with the Northern Lights .

‘I know it’s not quite the same as seeing it in real life,’ Lily said as I flicked through the pages, admiring the beautiful photographs.

‘It’s the next best thing. Thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of seeing photos of the aurora.’ I closed the book and smiled at Lily. ‘I can’t wait for you to see it for real.’

‘Me neither.’

I leaned in to kiss Lily but she moved away, laughing. ‘You haven’t realised.’

‘Realised what?’

‘Look inside at the list of contributing photographers.’

I opened the book once more and glanced down the list, my eyes widening with surprise as I spotted her name.

‘Mum’s one of them!’ I flicked through to the pages against her name, staring at the stunning images in disbelief. ‘I had no idea she’d done this.’

‘When we’ve talked about your mum’s work, you’ve never mentioned it and, given how much you love the aurora, I figured you mustn’t know about it.’

‘Not a clue! I thought she only did street photography now.’

‘There’s something else,’ Lily said, turning to the back of the book. ‘You need to read the acknowledgements. They’re the reason I wanted you to have this in private.’

I glanced down and read what Mum had written.

I was twenty when I saw and photographed my first aurora.

Those lights soothed me in a world I found increasingly overwhelming, filled with people I didn’t understand and who didn’t understand me.

I spent several years exploring the northern hemisphere, seeking out the aurora, and one of those trips changed my life.

I met somebody who got me and who I understood in return.

We were blessed with two wonderful children, Lars and Pia.

Tragically Pia, our little pixie, couldn’t stay and, for years afterwards, I rejected the landscapes, hid from the aurora, cut myself off from the people I loved because it hurt too much.

On what would have been Pia’s twentieth birthday, I felt compelled to seek out the aurora for her.

She couldn’t be with me in person but her favourite book and a knitted dragon kept me company and I watched my beloved girl shine in those lights.

My contributions to this book are the photos I took that night and the auroras on her birthday and my son’s over the next three years.

This is for my little girl but it’s also for Lars and my mum.

I see you all in the lights, I see you in my dreams and I miss you with all my heart xx

‘I can’t believe she wrote that,’ I said, wiping my cheeks after I’d read it through three times. ‘If she misses us that much, why doesn’t she come back more often or for longer?’

Lily shrugged. ‘I don’t know your mum but sometimes things scare us so much that it’s easier to flee from them than face them. I’m proof of that and so are you.’

I nodded slowly as I mulled that over. When Nanna and I talked about Mum after I found the photo album devoted to Pia, I’d wondered if there was more to Mum’s absence – perhaps being that she cared too much rather than too little.

The photographs and those heartfelt words would support that.

As a kid, I’d felt the fear of abandonment and pushed Lily away before she could leave me.

It seemed that Mum had felt the fear of further loss and, just like me, she’d built protective walls.

I’d regretted mine and it sounded to me like she regretted hers.

‘And now you know what happened to Pia’s book and her knitted dragon,’ Lily said, her voice gentle. ‘Your mum has them.’

I put my arm round her and gave her a soft kiss. ‘This is the best book anyone could ever have gifted me. Thank you for finding this.’

‘Right back at you with my first edition. And my other special book.’

We sat there for a while as I studied Mum’s photographs and the information accompanying them about where she’d taken them and what she’d been feeling.

I felt I knew her better – understood her more – through those written words than any she’d spoken over the past two decades and I was convinced more than ever that she was lonely.

But she didn’t need to be and I’d make sure she knew that when I saw her next month.

I closed the book with a satisfied sigh, feeling so much more optimistic about seeing her again and about having a positive relationship with her going forwards.

‘Now that I’ve made you cry,’ Lily said, ‘are you ready to go to the other extreme – a cookie-making frenzy with my crazy family?’

‘I am. Let’s go.’

‘By the way, there are some packets of lametta at Everdene waiting for you to add to the tree. I thought I’d better warn you in case it’s a bit emotional.’

‘Appreciate the heads up.’

While Lily went through to the front to retrieve our belongings, I gathered the books together and turned my gaze to the Bookmas tree.

I often pictured Pia in the children’s section, including by the tree, but now I had a vivid image of her sitting on the floor with Mum as they looked through a book together.

The child me joined them, a book in each hand, followed by Pabbi.

He helped Mum to her feet and kissed her, then lifted Pia up and put his arm around me.

Everyone was smiling and, with a jolt, I realised this was a memory rather than something my imagination had conjured up.

We had been a happy family once and I’d forgotten that.

I’d been so hurt that I’d pushed away all the good memories and wallowed in the bad ones.

Pia would have hated that. I’ll fix our family, Pia.

I’ll fix it for you. I kissed my fingers and blew the kiss towards the tree.

Hearing a sound behind me, I turned to see Lily in tears.

‘That kiss was for your sister, wasn’t it?’ she said, her voice choked with emotion.

I nodded.

‘I thought Jólabókaflóe was meant to be a flood of books, not a flood of tears.’

I wrapped my arms around her. ‘Powerful things, those books. Adventures taken, friends made, secrets shared, lessons learned. Why would anyone ever want to live a life without books?’

‘Well said, Paperback Pixie.’ She squeezed me tight. ‘You looked lost in your memories before you blew the kiss.’

‘I was. You know how I’ve always said I can’t remember us ever being a happy family? I had this sudden powerful memory of the four of us in here one Christmas and we were really happy. I’d forgotten that. I think I might have forgotten a lot of things.’

‘As well as writing my favourite series, L. M. Montgomery wrote a book called The Story Girl and there’s a lovely quote from it – Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it. I’m sure those happy memories will keep coming back to you when you’re ready for them.’

‘That’s a great quote and very apt.’

Lily waved goodbye to the books in the children’s section. ‘Happy Jólabókaflóe and Merry Christmas. We’ll be back soon.’

‘I love that you do that,’ I said. ‘Don’t ever change.’

‘Because I’m Little Miss Perfect as I am?’ she quipped.

‘Like I said before, you’re Little Miss Perfect-for-me . In fact, so perfect that I’m going to have to do this to show my appreciation.’

I saluted Lily, making her laugh.

‘Don’t you ever change either, Lars the Arse-some,’ she said, barely able to get the words out for giggling. ‘That’s awful! It sounded a lot more like awesome in my head.’

‘It was close,’ I said, laughing with her. ‘I see what you were trying to do there but I think that might be your don’t let Gryla and the Christmas Cat gobble you up moment.’

As we locked up and stepped outside into the cold winter night, still laughing, I thought back to how I felt like I’d lost everything three months ago – my business, my home and my friendships – but now I’d found everything I’d ever dreamed of and the future was shining as brightly as the northern lights because the friend I’d found when I was nine liked me for being me. Mask-free. Real.