Page 31 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop

We’d had a steady increase in the number of festive books being delivered across the past couple of months and, while I’d put some out on the shelves, I’d stored most in the cupboards beneath the shelves ready for the arrival of the Bookmas tree.

It could take a considerable number of titles and it always amazed me how often we needed to restock them.

I explained to Lars that we placed books for different ages on each level – picture books around the bottom, chapter books aimed at younger readers on the middle level and young adult fiction on the top.

The increasingly smaller shelf spaces worked well for the number of titles we had for each age as well as being at the right height for the children at which the books were typically aimed.

There were various hooks at the very top for adding stocking fillers like bookmarks, keyrings and pens.

‘What’s a typical Christmas like for you?’ Lars asked as we carried piles of picture books to the base of the Bookmas tree.

‘A welcome relief after a busy December,’ I said, laughing.

‘We love a big family Christmas at Mum and Dad’s.

My brother Hendrix lives with his girlfriend but she’s not close to her parents so she never wants to spend Christmas with them.

My sister Kadence is married but her husband’s parents always go abroad for Christmas so neither couple have parent clashes, but they all work shifts so getting time off can be a problem.

This year, they’ve all managed to book Christmas Day off so it’s going to be brilliant having everyone together.

And when I say everyone, I mean both sets of grandparents too so there’ll be eleven of us for Christmas dinner this year. ’

‘Eleven? Wow! That is a big family Christmas.’

We began organising the books and placing them on the shelves.

‘It could be the last one. Kadence announced yesterday that she’s pregnant so it’s possible she and Cory will want to do their own thing next year or maybe they’ll invite us all to theirs, so I’m determined to make the most of this year.’

‘What sort of things do you do?’ Lars asked.

‘Eat and drink too much – the usual stuff. We always play Trivial Pursuit or Pictionary or some other sort of quiz game and it gets loud and competitive but I wouldn’t have it any other way, especially when I know what a really lousy Christmas looks like.’

‘Sounds like a story,’ he said, pausing his work to look at me.

I hesitated, unsure as to why I’d blurted that out when I didn’t normally talk about Justin to anyone except Cassie. But I felt as though I wanted to share it with Lars. He’d let me in on something deeply personal when he spoke about his sister, and I wanted to let him into my life too.

‘It was years ago now,’ I said, adjusting to a cross-legged position for comfort.

‘Against my better judgement, I arranged to spend Christmas Day with my biological dad, Justin. He has a nasty habit of letting me down so I triple checked it was definitely on and, on Christmas Eve, he messaged me to confirm he was already at the hotel in York, Christmas dinner was booked and he’d see me the following day.

So I drove to York on Christmas Day, checked in, went to the bar to wait for him as arranged and, as I was a bit early, I ordered a drink.

Because I was on my own, I drank it a bit too quickly so I ordered another one and, even though I took it slower, he still hadn’t appeared by the time I was finished.

I tried ringing him several times but there was no answer so I decided to knock for him.

I asked for his room number at reception and discovered he’d checked out that morning. ’

‘Without telling you?’

I nodded. ‘I checked my texts, emails, everything, but the last message I’d had from him was the one promising me he’d be there.’

Saying the words out loud, they sounded unbelievable.

What sort of person did that to their own daughter on Christmas Day?

I could still feel that sinking sensation in my gut as time ticked on with no sign of Justin, and the embarrassment as the bar staff shot sympathetic glances in my direction.

I could also still feel that flicker of hope burning out as my biological dad rejected me yet again. And I let him.

‘That’s awful,’ Lars said. ‘What did you do?’

‘Spent the rest of Christmas Day on my own in my hotel room.’ Tears rushed to my eyes and I blinked them back.

‘I’m so sorry, Lily. Why did he do it?’

‘I honestly don’t know. Because he could?

’ I pushed down the lump in my throat, annoyed that the memory could still hurt me years down the line.

‘Anyway, I was too upset to even think about eating the meal, especially when I’d have been surrounded by families celebrating.

I couldn’t drive home as I’d had a couple of large drinks on an empty stomach so I had to stick it out all alone for the worst Christmas ever.

Well, until the Christmas a few years later when my boyfriend was given a lose-your-job-or-move-to-Sheffield ultimatum on Christmas Eve and I knew it spelled the end for us.

It’s a toss-up between the two of them as to which was the absolute worst. Still, two crap ones and thirty-two great ones is something to celebrate. ’

I was aware that I sounded flippant, but it was the only way I could deal with the two scenarios which had both left scars on me.