Page 44 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop

LILY

‘You took your time!’ Justin practically spat the words the moment I opened the door and I reeled at the smell of alcohol on his breath.

‘What do you want?’ I asked, ignoring his comment.

‘To see my only daughter, of course. Is that a crime?’

‘No, but I said I was doing something important tonight and it’d have to be tomorrow.’

I’d made the mistake of moving aside, which gave him enough room to squeeze past me. I closed the door behind him with a sigh.

‘You ditched me for pizza with your boyfriend?’ He curled his lip in Lars’s direction. ‘That’s more important than seeing me?’

Actually, yes! And how self-centred was he if he thought he was more important than any of my plans?

But I swallowed down a retort to that effect and gave the briefest of introductions – names only – before repeating my earlier question in a tone much more calm than I felt. ‘What do you want, Justin?’

He glanced at Lars then back at me, frowning as he muttered, ‘It’s private.’

‘I’ll give you some space,’ Lars said, picking up his drink.

‘You don’t have to go.’ I felt terrible that Justin had made him feel uncomfortable.

Lars took my hand as he passed and his expression clearly asked if I was okay being left on my own.

‘You could check out those poetry books we were discussing,’ I said.

He squeezed my hand to convey his understanding – that I only wanted him to go up to the first level so he’d be able to hear the conversation and come down if things got heated. I hadn’t seen Justin this agitated before or under the influence of alcohol and I didn’t like it.

As Lars ascended the stairs, I went round to the other side of the till, closed the pizza box and stopped the music.

‘I’ve got loads to do tonight.’ I indicated the boxes by the tree. ‘I can only give you five minutes. If you want more, it’ll have to be tomorrow.’

‘Now’s fine.’ He shuffled awkwardly and ran his hands across his chin, grimacing. ‘I’ll make it quick. I’ve lost my job and I’m in a tight spot. I need to borrow some money to tide me over.’

That was a lot of information to take in at once. ‘I’m sorry about work, but you’ve lost your job before and you’ve always walked into a new one.’

‘Yeah, well, that hasn’t happened this time. I’ve got my bank details here.’

He whipped out a debit card and I reeled back, shocked. Talk about jumping ahead several steps! I’d never loaned Justin money before and I had no intention of starting now. My stomach churned with the realisation that he hadn’t been desperate to see me; just desperate for cash. The cheek of him!

‘I don’t need much. Just ten.’

‘Ten pounds?’ It would be worth handing over a tenner just to get rid of him.

‘Grand.’

My breath caught in my throat and I had to force the words out. ‘Ten grand? Are you joking?’

‘Do you see me smiling?’

I reeled once more at the gruff tone. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair looked in desperate need of a wash.

‘I don’t have a spare ten grand lying around.’

‘That’s bollocks! You’ve got way more than that squirrelled away. You made a profit on the house you had with that bloke… what’s-his-name… the one who buggered off to…’ He shook his head, evidently unable to remember Ewan’s name or that he’d moved to Sheffield. I didn’t fill in the blanks for him.

‘And you’ve been living rent-free for years so that hefty sum’ll have grown. How much is it now?’

‘None of your business. It’s my money for my future home. I’m not touching it and I’m certainly not lending it to anyone.’

‘Ah, but I’m not just anyone, am I, kiddo? I’m your dad.’

Was he really playing the dad card? I could run off a hundred reasons why he was not and never would be my dad, but I chose to take the upper hand.

‘I’m not lending you ten grand.’

‘Eight, then? Six? Come on, Lily! Meet me partway.’

I shook my head in disbelief. ‘This isn’t a negotiation. I’m sorry you’ve lost your job and I’m sorry finances are tight, but it’s not up to me to bail you out.’

The look of hatred he gave me sent a shiver down my spine. ‘Bloody hell, Lily! It’s only ten grand and I know you’ve got it.’

I stared at him defiantly, my hand planted on my hips.

‘You’re a crap daughter!’ His voice was loud and unnecessarily aggressive.

‘Any decent daughter would help her dad out in his hour of need but, oh no, not you. You’re all me, me, me!

It’s my money for my future .’ The quote of my earlier words was delivered in a high-pitched voice with exaggerated emphasis on the word my .

Could he hear himself? Was he even aware of how hypocritical he was being? I could have shouted back at him but I forced strength and control into my voice.

‘You think I’m a crap daughter? How about we talk about being a crap dad instead?

Let me see.’ I put my fingers out and started counting off.

‘You abandoned my mum when she was pregnant, you barely saw me growing up and provided no financial support. And if we’re focusing purely on money, the only time I’ve ever had a birthday or Christmas card from you is when you’ve had a girlfriend who’s bothered to send me one.

You’ve never given me a birthday or Christmas gift.

I’ve never had pocket money or a few quid to congratulate me on passing my exams. You didn’t pay for driving lessons, you refused to spend money on me on the rare occasions you saw me when I was a kid – not even an ice cream – and when we’ve met up as an adult, we’ve either split the bill or I’ve paid. ’

I’d run out of fingers but I hadn’t run out of steam.

‘So, with that track record of spending absolutely nothing on my upbringing, I’m fascinated to hear how you think I owe it to you to lend you ten grand of my hard-earned money. Or should that be give you because I doubt I’d ever see a penny of it back.’

The brief flicker of guilt that crossed his face confirmed that for me. I expected him to storm out in a huff but he surprised me by trying a different tack.

‘You’re right. I’ve been rubbish. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and, after Shelby met Marcus, I didn’t know how to compete with that.

Didn’t think I could after I’d made such a mess of things.

All I wanted was to be a good dad but I figured you were better without me in your life.

When I stayed away, I was only doing it for you. ’

When I stayed away, I was only doing it for you.

Did he really think I was that na?ve? Or that I wouldn’t notice the way he kept pausing between statements, as though gauging my reaction so he knew how far he’d have to go with his sob story?

I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me next that he was misunderstood.

‘I don’t think anyone understands me and how tough it’s been for me but I want to get better. If you could just look into your heart and find a way to help me out of my current predicament. Please, Lily.’

‘What happened to the money your parents left you?’

‘Gone.’

‘And the house?’

‘Sold and the money gone. It’s the apps.’

‘What apps?’

‘The betting ones. It’s too easy. I do all the things they say like setting controls but…’ He shrugged. ‘Please help me.’

I studied his face for several moments – unshaven, dark circles beneath his eyes, the air of desperation and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. ‘Okay. I will help you but not?—’

‘Oh, thank God! I knew you’d come through. I knew…’ His smile slipped at the vigorous shake of my head.

‘But not by giving you money,’ I said, finishing the sentence he’d interrupted. ‘I’m going to look up the numbers for some gambling addiction helplines and send you them later.’

‘Helplines?’

‘You need help and that’s what they’re for.’

‘But I need money, not some flamin’ do-gooder.’

‘Then I can’t help you.’

‘Can’t or won’t?’ he challenged.

‘Both. Your gambling problems are not my problem to solve.’ I headed towards the door. ‘I need to finish preparing for Christmas.’

‘So I was right earlier. You are a selfish little bi?—’

‘Don’t you dare!’ I snapped, grabbing the door handle.

I didn’t need to take that from him. In fact, I needed nothing from him.

Cassie’s voice was loud and clear in my head – sack him off!

I’d said I couldn’t but what on earth had I been holding on for?

Justin had let me down time and time again and the one and only time he’d asked to see me was because he wanted to fleece me. We were through.

‘Seeing as you think so little of me, I’m going to make this easy for you.

I’ve had very little to do with you for most of my life and that’s been your decision, not mine, but my decision now is that I want nothing to do with you.

I don’t know why I’ve been hanging on, giving you chance after chance, but I’ve had enough. I don’t need or want you in my life.’

‘You can’t mean that. I’m your dad.’

‘Are you really? Then you’ll know all these simple things about me. When’s my birthday?’

He winced. ‘April?’

‘Wrong. What’s my favourite book?’

‘How am I supposed to know that? Ask me something easier.’

‘My favourite colour? Drink? Food?’

When he just stared at me blankly, I threw out several more questions. ‘What car do I drive? What’s my dream holiday destination? What’s my degree in? What do I like most about working here?’

I paused between each question to give him room to answer but he just looked increasingly bewildered.

‘You don’t know me, Justin, and you’ve never been interested in getting to know me. These are things I’ve told you repeatedly and you haven’t listened to me.’

‘You don’t know that stuff about me either.’

‘Really? Your birthday’s 8 October, you don’t have a favourite book because you can’t stand reading but your favourite film’s a tie between The Godfather and Goodfellas .

Your favourite colour’s dark blue, your favourite food is yuk sung but you get annoyed because it’s not on the menu of many Chinese takeaways and the one time you tried to make it yourself, it tasted like cardboard.

Favourite soft drink is builder’s tea, favourite alcoholic one is a pint of bitter, preferably from a local brewery.

I don’t know what you’re driving at the moment because you change your car that often but you have a strong affection for the Audi TT you owned in the late nineties.

Your best holiday ever was interrailing after you graduated with your business studies degree, which is a bit of an insulting choice to share with me considering that was the holiday you were meant to go on with my mum before she found out she was pregnant.

As for work, you don’t love anything about any of the jobs you’ve had because you claim you could always do better than your manager, your younger colleagues are jumped up little tossers and your older ones are tech-phobic dinosaurs who need putting out to pasture .

Have I missed anything? No? Didn’t think so. ’

I yanked the door open.

‘I think we’ve said everything we need to say, don’t you?’

‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,’ he snarled, shoving past me.

‘Meaning?’

‘I can see so much of your mum in you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘It wasn’t a compliment.’

‘Oh, but I take it as one. Goodbye, Justin.’

The moment he stepped out onto the cobbles, I closed and locked the door and leaned back against it, eyes closed, exhaling heavily.

‘Lily?’

I opened my eyes and my heart melted at the concern on Lars’s face as he approached me, weaving around the boxes.

‘How much did you hear?’

‘All of it. Are you all right?’

I smiled widely at him. When Cassie cut off her loser father, she said she’d felt like a weight had been lifted and I felt the same.

‘I thought I’d feel upset but I’m actually elated. That was a long time overdue.’

‘You were incredible. I was cheering you on upstairs.’

He put his arms out and I gratefully accepted the hug.

‘You’re trembling,’ he whispered.

‘I hate confrontations, but I feel so much better for finally letting go.’ I leaned back and looked up at him with a grin. ‘I bet Justin doesn’t think I’m Little Miss Perfect after that.’

‘But I do. Little Miss Perfect-for-me .’ He screwed up his nose. ‘Was that too cheesy?’

‘Not for me. Not when you say it.’

He tenderly kissed me and I knew that, while I wouldn’t forget the exchange with Justin for a long time, my lasting memory from tonight would be the time I let go of the man I didn’t want or need and welcomed in the one I did.