Page 75 of When We Were Young

Scott waited on the balcony; he’d have had another cigarette, but he felt sick. It had been six weeks since he last saw Emily, almost seven. Why did she want to see him? Why did Miranda have to be out?

The buzz of the intercom startled him; he’d expected her to use her key. His hands were shaking as he lifted the handset and buzzed her up.

He ran to the bathroom and checked his reflection in the mirror. He squeezed a blob of toothpaste onto his finger and rubbed it over his teeth.

She knocked and he opened the door.

‘Hi,’ she said brightly, but she looked awful. Dark rings circled her eyes, and she was even thinner than before.

‘Hi.’ He pecked her on the cheek. ‘Do you want a cup of tea?’

‘Please.’ She followed him to the kitchen.

He put the kettle on as she sat at the little table.

‘Thanks for seeing me.’

‘No worries. It’s good to see you. Did your parents tell you I called? Quite a few times, actually.’

‘Yeah, sorry. It’s been…’ She didn’t elaborate, but he nodded as though he understood.

The obvious thing to say would be ‘how are you?’ but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He didn’t want to hear the answer, so he made the tea in silence. He put the two mugs on the table and sat opposite her.

She took a deep breath and said, ‘I’m pregnant.’

It was like a slap across the face.

She must have seen the question in his eyes. ‘It’s yours,’ she said sincerely. ‘I want you to know that there’s no doubt about that.’

He’d always dreaded hearing those words and now they’d come out of her mouth, they were as terrible as he’d feared. ‘I assumed you were…’ he began, his heart thundering.

‘I was on the pill,’ she said. ‘But I was drinking a lot, I threw up a couple of times that week. It was stupid of me. I should have known it might not work.’

Sweat sprang up on his palms and top lip. His mouth went dry.

‘I’m keeping it,’ she said. Another slap in his face.

‘What about Amsterdam?’

‘I turned it down before I found out I was pregnant.’ Her voice was flat. ‘You don’t need to be involved,’ she continued, business-like. ‘I want nothing from you. No one needs to know it’s yours. I thought you should know.’

Her words stung. Actually, they pissed him off. ‘Hang on a minute,’ he said. ‘What about what I want?’

‘It’s my body, Scott. I don’t want an abortion.’ She started to cry, great big tears, her gaunt face pulled into a grimace.

‘No…’ He went to her and pulled her up into his arms. ‘That’s not what I meant. I meant we could do this together.’

She drew back to look at him. She wiped her face with her hands, and that determined look was back.

‘That wouldn’t be fair on you.’

‘It’s mine, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, but…’

‘But what?’

‘I’d only make you unhappy.’

‘What makes you think that?’

‘Because I make people unhappy. Because I’m unhappy. Because you’re twenty-four and this isn’t what you want.’

‘I’ll be the judge of what I want.’

‘You don’t want a baby, Scott.’

‘I don’t want a baby, but I want you.’ He let the words hang there for a moment, exposing his soul. ‘And if you want a baby, then… we can do this.’

She sat down, shaking her head.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘There is no “we”,’ she muttered. ‘I can’t be with anyone. It wouldn’t work. I can’t be in a relationship.’

‘You can’t be in a relationship, but you’re ready to be a mother?’

She didn’t hesitate. ‘Yes!’

‘That doesn’t make sense.’

‘It does to me. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me.’

‘Can we at least try?’

She wrapped both hands around her mug and stared into it like she’d find the answers in there. ‘I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘You won’t hurt me. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. We should at least try.’

‘No…’

‘For the baby. Doesn’t the baby deserve a mum and a dad?’

‘I can’t…’

‘What about later? When you’re ready? You’ve been through so much; you need time…’

She raised her eyes to his. ‘I can’t promise you I’ll ever be ready.’

He sat down, his mind racing. He covered his face with his hands. Jesus, he would do anything.

He let his hands slip down.

‘Well, it’s my kid too,’ he sighed. ‘I want to be involved. It’s my job to provide for it… and its mum.’

‘You don’t have to do that. This is my fault and my decision.’

‘I could have used a condom––’

‘Listen, you can’t be part of this child’s life, then walk out years later when you meet someone or want to have a family. If you’re in it, you need to be in it forever or not at all.’

‘I agree. I want to be a good dad.’

‘Take some time to think about it properly and we’ll talk again.’ She stood up to go. She hadn’t even touched her tea.

‘I won’t change my mind.’ He followed her to the hall.

Her hand was on the door handle, but she turned back to say, ‘It’s okay to change your mind.’ Her eyes were kind. ‘Forever is a long time, Scott.’

Scott wanted to call Emily that night, but she’d only say he hadn’t thought about it properly. He waited two days. Her dad answered the phone and this time he was allowed to talk to her.

‘Do they know?’ he asked when she came to the phone.

‘What?’

‘Do your parents know you’re pregnant?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do they know it’s mine?’

‘No. But they have their suspicions.’

‘Are they angry?’

‘Worse – disappointed.’

‘Ah.’

‘In me, not you. Seriously, pregnant is an improvement on my condition over the last few weeks. And my mum’s secretly excited about being a grannie.’

There was a pause.

‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘My mum and dad want to help me. I’ll be fine.’

‘I haven’t said anything yet.’

‘You don’t have to. It’s the sensible decision. The right one.’

‘I want you,’ he blurted, ‘why don’t you want me?’

Silence.

‘We could be together,’ he continued. ‘Have this baby together. Give him a proper family. A mum and dad who love each other and love him.’

‘Oh, Scott…’

‘Why? Why can’t we try?’

She drew a breath in. ‘Because I love someone else. You know that.’

‘He’s dead!’ he snapped. He hated himself. What a horrible thing to say. ‘I’m sorry,’ he backtracked. ‘I didn’t mean that.’

‘Scott––’

‘It’s my baby, too! I want to be involved as much as any normal dad.’

‘Why don’t you take some more time? You don’t need to decide now.’

‘I don’t need more time. I’m sure about this.’

‘It has to be about the baby, not about me.’

‘I’m its father and I can’t forget about it and get on with my life as if this never happened.’

A couple of weeks later, she came to the flat with her dad to clear out her room.

Scott made himself scarce, but as soon as they left, he went down to the bin store and rescued her artwork from the wheelie bins.

When she didn’t return to college, he took a couple of the bigger pieces she left there and stashed them in his parents’ loft.

He was charming and respectful when he met Emily’s parents, and they were impressed by his attendance at almost all the appointments and antenatal classes.

He was by Emily’s side at the birth and chose his daughter’s name.

Once their course was over, he blagged his way into web design, saying he could do things he couldn’t, but taught himself how.

His dad lent him the money to set up his own business, and he paid it all back before his daughter was two.

He worked hard but always found time to spend with her.

But he couldn’t win Emily over. He could never compete with a dead rock star who – in Emily’s rose-tinted memories – was perfect.

No one could compete with him because he wasn’t real.

He would never fuck up: forget a birthday, look at another girl, buy a shit present.

He would always be a perfect ghost, haunting their lives forever.