Page 45 of When We Were Young

Liv

I’ve never pitched a tent before, but I manage it all by myself following the instructions that fall out of the bag of Ella’s brand-new purple three-man.

She can’t help because she’ll ruin her nails.

There are twelve of us sharing five tents.

We arrange them in a circle, leaving space in the middle for us to hang out.

I told Dad I’m staying at Chloe’s. It’s the only alibi that raises no questions. But she’s still not returning my calls.

Nathan and I pore over the festival programme, planning who we want to see.

All the others are interested in is food and drink, so we head to the food area and stuff ourselves with chips.

Everyone puts money in, and Nathan and Ella go to the bar because they look older.

They return with two trays full of plastic pints of cider, and we sit on the grass drinking as the sun sinks.

I check my watch. ‘Moon Illusion are on the main stage soon. Shall we head over?’

‘What’s Moon Illusion?’ asks Ella.

‘Tonight’s headliner! Come on, you didn’t come all this way to sit in a field!’

Charlie smirks. ‘I did.’

‘Anyone?’ I ask.

Lottie pulls a face.

‘I’ll come,’ says Nathan.

The two of us make our way to the main stage under zigzags of rainbow bunting fluttering in the breeze. Literally everyone we pass is laughing or smiling. A couple of stilt walkers lope past. I love this place.

The closer we get to the stage, the more tightly packed the crowd becomes, so Nathan takes my hand and drags me through.

There’s a loud but muffled announcement and all I can make out is: ‘Moon Illusion’.

Applause ripples towards us from the stage, and when it hits us, it sends tingles down my spine.

We stop where we are and clap and whoop, grinning at each other like idiots.

As the band starts to play, another wave of applause washes over us. The sun is setting to the left of the stage; the sky streaked with pink and gold. I have never felt a buzz like this.

Every Moon Illusion song is an anthem that gets people singing along and jumping up and down and we’re so squashed in, it’s impossible to stand still.

The warm fuzzy feeling from the cider is helping.

My cheeks hurt from smiling, and whenever Nathan and I exchange glances, his eyes are gleaming.

This is the best thing ever. I just want to go to music festivals for the rest of my life.

I don’t want the set to end but after two encores it’s clear Moon Illusion aren’t coming back on stage no matter how much we chant ‘More!’ The stage goes dark, the compère says something about looking out for each other and everyone shuffles towards the tent field.

Nathan takes my hand even though there’s no danger of us getting separated now and I feel like I’m floating.

The sun is long gone and there’s a chill in the air. Our friends are not where we left them at the falafel stall and neither of us have phone signal, so we head back to camp.

‘I wish I’d paid more attention to what our tents looked like now,’ says Nathan.

‘The people next to us had a big Italian flag.’

It takes half an hour to find the flag using the torches on our phones. Two strange tents have been squeezed into the space we left in the middle of our circle, but there’s nobody around.

‘Do you want to wait in our tent?’ asks Nathan. ‘Charlie’s got beer.’

‘Okay.’ I’d prefer water, but beer would have to do.

We take off our boots and crawl into his tent. A lamp dangling from the top of the dome lights up the mess as he switches it on.

‘Sorry, Charlie’s a slob.’ Nathan sweeps aside a pile of clothes, straightens his sleeping bag, and gestures for me to sit. He pulls two cans of beer from a rucksack and hands me one.

‘That was epic,’ I say, cracking the pull and guzzling down warm beer. It does nothing to quench my thirst – if anything, it makes me thirstier. He puts his can into a nearby trainer to keep it upright, so I do the same.

There’s an awkward silence. I go to say something, but suddenly his mouth is on mine.

I was hoping he’d kiss me, but I wasn’t expecting it right at that moment, so it takes a minute to recover.

He’s not pushing me exactly, but definitely encouraging me to get horizontal.

I lie back and he’s on top of me, his hands working their way under my top and over my bra.

Rowdy voices belt out the chorus of the last Moon Illusion song.

Stones dig in my back. Fabric rustles as people bush past the tent.

Suddenly I don’t want to be here.

I thought I was ready.

I’m not.

What’s wrong with me? I like Nathan. I want to lose my virginity, to get it over with, but it doesn’t feel right with only a thin piece of fabric separating us from the outside world.

Without warning, the dome of the tent caves in.

Nathan’s body weighs even heavier on me. Outside, people laugh. Someone shouts, ‘Sorry!’

I can’t breathe. The dome pings back into shape and I push Nathan off.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks.

‘Yeah, you?’

‘Just about. Idiots.’ He rubs his shoulder, then moves to pick up where we left off.

‘I’m sorry. I can’t…’

‘Why not?’

‘It’s weird with all these people around…’

‘They’ve gone now.’

‘Charlie could come in…’

‘I can put the padlock on the zip.’

‘It’s his tent!’

‘He won’t mind.’

My cheeks burn at the thought of them arranging this. Was he confident I’d end up in his tent or that someone would? I hear our friends’ voices outside. I grab my can of beer and clamber out.

They’re all completely wasted. They take turns recounting jokes they heard in the comedy tent and they’re all falling about laughing, but you really had to be there.

We sit outside drinking and chatting until it gets too chilly, and we go into our tents.

I try to catch Nathan’s eye as we all say goodnight, but he doesn’t even look my way.

Ella is so drunk I have to take off her boots. My necklace dangles in her face, as I help her into her sleeping bag.

‘Did Nathan give you that?’ she asks. ‘Jade’s got one, too. His mum makes them. Hers has a cat on it.’

Then she’s snoring.

I lie awake. My fingers find my necklace, the little ‘L’ and the miniature headphones.

How many other girls has he given his mum’s jewellery to?

I wish Chloe was here or that she would pick up the phone at least. I’ve been looking forward to this for months, risked so much to be here, and now all I want to do is go home.