Page 71 of When We Were Young
Emily
‘I found something,’ Liv’s eyes are shining. ‘In the Baileys’ garage.’
‘What?’ My heart’s beating double time.
Her words knock the wind out of me.
‘Do you want to hear it?’ she asks.
‘I can’t…’
‘If it’s difficult for you to listen to his music, I could send it to your phone – you can listen by yourself, when you’re ready.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘If it’s easier, I wrote the lyrics down. You could read them?’
‘I don’t think I can, Liv––’
‘You need to see this, Mum.’
Liv goes to the hall and comes back with a notebook. She flicks through the pages, finds the one she’s looking for, and tears it out. She folds it in half and places it on the table.
‘You can keep this. Read it when you’re ready,’ she says. ‘And there was something else. It was with the tape. It explains things.’
She takes an envelope from the back of her notebook.
‘It’s in here. I’ll leave it with the lyrics. You can wait till I go back to Dad’s or read it while I’m here. It’s up to you. Mum, promise me you’ll read it?’
‘I can’t promise––’
‘Mum, trust me! You need to read this. Promise me you will?’ Her eyes are sincere.
‘All right.’
Liv leaves me alone in the room with these pieces of paper. I’m torn between wanting to devour their contents and wanting to destroy them unread before they can hurt me.
Tentatively, I reach for the sheet of notepaper and unfold it.
If I can’t hear
your ideas as they spark
The twinkle in your laugh
Your whispers in the dark
Then I can’t go on…
Is he talking to me? Tears sting my eyes. What is Liv talking about? This only confirms I’m to blame. I can’t read this!
Choking back a sob, I stand up and pace the room. I open the fridge, slam it shut, and go back to pacing. The paper on the table is screaming at me. I snatch it up, hands trembling, and I force myself to read on.
Even after I’ve read the whole page three times, the words make no sense. Liv thinks this is significant, but I have no idea why. With my heart pumping, I sit down, reach for the envelope. Inside there’s a leaflet entitled: Patient Information – Otosclerosis .
I’ve never heard of otosclerosis.
I read the entire leaflet but it’s a confusing jumble of words that make my head ache: ossicles, malleus, incus, stapedotomy, otolaryngologist .
Liv said she found this with the song, that it would explain things, but it doesn’t.
I place the notepaper alongside the leaflet, willing them to connect.
If I can’t hear… If I can’t hear… Otosclerosis…
a common cause of hearing loss in young adults.
The penny slowly drops.
Will had otosclerosis.
A young man whose life revolved around his love – and talent – for music was losing his hearing. Hot tears pour down my face. Poor Will.
But I don’t remember him ever showing signs of having difficulty hearing. Perhaps it started after we split? Or could he have kept it a secret while we were together?
And how does this help me?
My stomach is tangled at the thought of Will being tormented by this cruel disease. If we had still been together, I could have been there for him. I could have helped him through it. We could have found a way to make life bearable.
I don’t remember standing up, but I’m pacing again. This time when I open the fridge, I pull out a bottle of wine and pour a glass, but before I even take a sip, I tip it into the sink. I need a clear head.
I don’t hear Liv come in, but there she is, standing in the kitchen doorway.
Our eyes meet.
‘You read them, didn’t you?’ she asks.
I nod.
‘You see – it wasn’t your fault.’
‘It’s not that black and white, Liv.’
‘Think about it.’ She comes in and sits at the table. ‘People break up all the time, but they get over it. This…’ She taps a finger on the leaflet. ‘This is much bigger than that. You don’t just get over something like this…’
She’s right.
How conceited of me to think I was that important.
‘I spoke to Mary about it,’ she continues. ‘She said both his ears were affected. He had surgery on the worst one, but it didn’t work. Surgery on the other ear was too risky after that.’
I pick up the leaflet. ‘It says in here you can use a hearing aid.’
‘Yeah, apparently he wasn’t keen on that idea.’
My mind is spinning. How could he have kept this from me?
When did he have surgery without me knowing?
He was in Wales for nine months, and I couldn’t get there as often as I wanted.
Maybe it could have happened then, but why didn’t he tell me?
Knowing him, he wouldn’t have wanted to worry anyone, especially if there was a chance the surgery could be a success.
But there were so many people relying on him.
The pressure must have been unbearable. ‘He kept trying to talk to me. Perhaps that’s what he wanted to tell me.
I should have been there for him.’ My voice wavers and fresh tears come.
I bury my face in my hands. I’m angry with Liv but when her arms slip around me, all that melts away.
That night as I climb exhausted into bed, I know in my bones I’m still to blame. I played my part in Will’s death. But I fall asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow, and it’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years.