Page 70 of When We Were Young

Emily walked down the street. As she got closer to the flat, she saw a figure sitting on the wall outside their building.

It was Scott. He didn’t acknowledge her or wave, instead he stood up, ground his cigarette into the pavement and ran inside.

What was he up to? You’d expect that kind of behaviour from someone organising a surprise party.

But it wasn’t her birthday. Maybe he hadn’t seen her.

She climbed the stairs and braced herself as she opened the door, but no one shouted ‘surprise’. As she hung her jacket on the peg in the hall, Miranda came out of the kitchen. Her eyebrows were pinched together. ‘Em, Matty’s here to see you.’

‘Matty?’ Emily whispered as if to say why did you let him in ? But Miranda’s expression was so dark and serious she said no more and followed her to the kitchen.

Matty and Scott stood up from where they were sitting at the table. Matty looked awful. He was unshaven, and his eyes were bloodshot – he was probably hungover. ‘Hello, Emily.’

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Why don’t you sit down?’ It was odd that Matty was offering her a seat in her own home. A home he’d never visited before.

‘What is it? What’s the matter?’ She looked at Miranda, then Scott.

‘If you just sit––’ said Matty.

‘I don’t want to sit down, Matty! I want to know what you’re doing here.’

Matty’s eyes dropped to the floor. ‘It’s Will…’

‘What? What about Will? Where is he?’ But she knew it was something bad, really bad.

‘He’s… he died.’

Emily’s heart stopped. ‘What?’

‘He took his own life. Yesterday.’

She felt dizzy. He wasn’t making any sense. ‘Why would you say that? Why are you saying that?’

‘I’m sorry.’

Her breaths were coming in short little gasps. ‘What do you mean he took his own life?’

‘He went to the coast… a beauty spot in Sussex. Someone saw him go to the edge of the cliff… They found his body this morning. In the water.’

‘It must be someone else… It can’t be Will…’

‘His dad identified him––’

‘No!’ she yelled. ‘They’ve made a mistake. He wouldn’t…’

A long, low wail filled the room. Emily had no idea where it was coming from, but then it hit her – she was the source of the appalling sound.

‘I’m sorry, Emily.’

‘Sorry. Why are you sorry?’ She stepped towards Matty. ‘Did you push him?’

Emily shoved him in the chest, and he stumbled backwards, the chair squeaking against the lino.

‘No––’

‘Were you there?’

‘No, I wasn’t—’

‘Why weren’t you there?’ She pounded her fists into his chest. ‘Why didn’t you stop him?’

Matty stood firm against the force of her blows, his arms rigid against his body. Miranda came up behind her, gently taking her by the shoulders. Emily shrugged her off.

‘Did he leave a note?’

‘Nobody’s found one yet.’

Her blood roared in her ears. ‘I want to see him.’

‘That’s not a good idea…’

‘Why not?’ Her voice trembled.

‘Mary and Michael… they’re upset… it would make things worse.’

‘They think it’s my fault! They think I drove him to it.’

‘It’s nobody’s fault…’

‘I need to see him!’

Everything tilted, shifted, and slid and her knees slammed into the floor.

A colossal crack opened up inside her and spread across everything, tiny fissures shooting from it in all directions, breaking and snapping as it separated this moment from everything that had gone before.