Page 34 of What I Should Have Felt (Anchors and Eagles #4)

FORD

C olette tipped her head and gave me a tight, apologetic smile.

“Sorry. Again,” she mouthed as her mom latched her hand around her wrist and dragged her down the hallway.

I couldn’t even catch her alone for a moment in what was technically my bedroom to chat.

All fucking week. Every time I made any attempt to steal a moment with Colette to at least tell her that I knew Azelie was mine, and that I knew about Liam, I was interrupted or ruined by her parents or Azelie.

Her daughter interrupting us and needing her mom was completely acceptable and only happened twice.

But for an entire week, the amount of codependence her parents displayed had my hackles raised—it seemed more and more intentional.

All the rage that consumed me in anticipation of when O’Connor would finally strike again boiled against the lid of a very full jar.

And I was struggling to keep that bottle shut.

For a week, we’d passed like strangers in the night despite never living so close before.

It was as if her parents purposefully monitored every move she made to keep us apart.

We couldn’t use any old excuse, either, as to why we were leaving the house, because now they knew we’d be gone at the same time.

I stared at the open doorway as their chatter slithered away behind me. Azelie would be home soon from the final meeting about the fundraiser shit this weekend, which, seeing as it was Wednesday, meant it started in two days.

The window available for me to have a polite and mature, private conversation with Colette was quickly fading. I was trying to be courteous for both Colette and Azelie’s sake, but as I glanced over my shoulder and caught Colette’s mother’s smirk and side eye to me, that glass shattered.

“No,” I said and spun around. Colette and her mom stopped walking as I stalked down the hall.

Red danced at the edge of my vision. “Are you that fucking dependent on your grown child? For over a week, I’ve let you drag her away from me when all I've wanted is a single moment for a private conversation.”

“Don’t you dare talk to me that way,” Colette’s mom hissed, and her dad appeared around the corner.

“Or what? What will you fucking do? Force me out again? I’m not some scared, eighteen-year-old kid anymore,” I calmly stated. Too calm. I knew that was never a good sign when my rage was in so much control that I was otherwise utterly relaxed.

Colette’s brows pinched together. “Force you out?” She looked at her mom and dad as they stared at me. “What is he talking about?”

I smiled at her parents and reared my head back. “You know, I wondered how you guys found out all those years ago. The only person who knew outside of me and Colette was Turk, and he for damn sure hadn’t said anything. If he had, then it would’ve been my parents that would’ve known. Not you two.”

“Known what? What are you talking about?” Colette asked as I glanced at her. This wasn’t how I’d wanted all of this to come out. I had vowed to take the real reason I’d left to the grave, for Colette’s sake. But something snapped. Whatever restraint I’d had on that secret frayed in an instant.

“Nothing, sweetie. He’s talking about nothing,” her mom quickly stated and narrowed her eyes.

“Even now, despite everything and all this time, you’re going to keep up the lie?” I took a step forward. “Was it really all about this fucking restaurant rivalry shit?”

“I did what I had to!” her mother shouted and tore out of her husband’s embrace. She marched up to me and slammed her finger against my chest. I simply stared down at her. “You should’ve stayed gone.”

“What are you going to do this time?” I cocked a brow as Colette snapped out of her shock and stomped forward.

“What the hell is going on?” She wrapped her hand around her mother’s arm and tugged her gently away from me.

“I just wanted to protect my daughter! I wasn’t about to let her become some trailer park whore for the likes of you!” her mother hissed.

Red blinded my eyes, and I lunged forward. How dare she call Colette a whore. Fuck the fact this was a woman and my elder. Fuck the respect I’d been taught to give to anyone older than me, especially women. This bitch didn’t deserve it for calling her daughter—

“FORD!” Colette screamed, jumping between her mom and me.

And from the kitchen came my mawmaw with her wooden spoon raised. The paddle crashed against Colette’s mother’s side.

Pausing my assault, I wrapped my arms around Colette instead and held her.

Every inch of my skin against her body leaked the rage that coursed in my veins.

I needed some grounding. Soaking in her warmth and the smoothness of her skin beneath my palms, I stared at the woman who had nearly destroyed my life for the selfishness of her own.

Colette’s mother spun around just as my mawmaw raised the wooden ladle again. She shook her head, and that was all Mawmaw needed to do to get Colette’s mom to back down.

“Someone tell me what is going on,” Colette whispered, pulling my attention back to her. She didn’t wriggle out of my hold. She didn’t fight my touch as I tightened my trembling hands around her arms.

I closed my eyes and dropped my nose into her hair. “This isn’t how I wanted to do this,” I quietly answered, swallowing the killer I’d chosen to become.

“Please,” she gently begged.

I took a deep inhale of her cinnamon scent, letting it coat every fiber of my being, and then stepped back. “High school graduation. We’d just finished the ceremony, and my parents headed to the restaurant while I went home to change for the party that night,” I began.

“Don’t,” her mother hissed.

Colette spun around; with her jaw trembling, she curled her lip up in disgust. “You called me a trailer park whore, so you’ re going to be quiet, because clearly the only person who’s even attempting to tell me the truth is Ford.”

Her mom stumbled back against her father but remained silent. Colette turned back to me and gestured for me to continue.

“Your mom and dad stopped me, brandished a knife, and told me that if I didn’t disappear, that they’d burn my parents’ restaurant down, kill me, and make sure you were never able to go to college.

” Sliding my thumb over the small scar against my jaw, I gave Colette a tight smile.

With the lid removed, everything I’d held to my chest for all these years poured out like a never-ending waterfall.

“That’s where I got this. I’m sorry, Cher, but I wasn’t going to be the reason that you never became a doctor like you always talked about.

I couldn’t see my parents’ livelihood destroyed.

I felt like you and they were safer with me gone than around.

And for all their wrongdoing, I couldn’t see your parents end up in prison for any of that. ”

Her brows tightened as tears welled up in her eyes. “No. No. You left. You chose to leave. They told me—” Her voice broke as she shook her head in denial.

“It’s okay, baby,” I whispered. I’d carried this secret for fifteen years, and I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to believe her parents were capable of something like that.

“They said—” She attempted to speak again but couldn’t.

I reached forward, but she shrank away from my extended touch, so I dropped my hand and continued.

“So, I packed a duffel, got in that old pick-up my dad and I built together, and drove. I honestly wasn’t sure where I was going, but I left.

I didn’t know, though, Colette. I didn’t know you were pregnant, and when I returned four years later because I finally felt like I could protect you and my parents better being here, I saw you happy with your husband.

” I paused and swallowed as the memory of her smiling at Liam flashed in my mind.

“You looked so happy, Cher,” I softly choked out.

A soft gasp shivered from her lips, and she wrapped her arms around her body. I wanted to be the arms wrapped around her, but I knew at that moment she needed space to hear what I was saying and then time to process it.

“It definitely wasn’t the closure I wanted, but it was closure for me because all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy.

The way you looked at him reminded me of…

of how you used to look at me, so I checked on my parents and saw that business was good.

Plus, since Liam wasn’t someone we’d grown up with, I knew you’d been to college, and so I left.

Unlike the first time, though, I knew I would never come back.

” I studied her as silent tears streamed down her cheeks.

“How long have you known about…Azelie being yours?” she whispered.

“I figured out that Azelie was mine when you sent me to pick her up the first time. She asked about my eyes and showed me hers. Plus, basic math. But I didn’t know Liam passed until I came home and decided to visit Pawpaw’s grave and I saw Liam’s headstone.

I thought you’d been happily married all this time or…

” I exhaled deeply, unable to finish the sentence.

“I’m so sorry, Colette. For it all,” I quietly added.

“This entire time you’ve been trying to confront me about knowing Azelie is…

is your daughter. That you knew I was married, that you knew I kept Azelie from you, and yet you still care for me?

” Her entire body trembled, and all I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms, but I needed her to open up to me on her own.

“I’ve never stopped loving you. I just… I just want to understand why you didn’t tell me you were pregnant. Why you never called to let me know after I left? That’s all. I just needed to hear it from you that she really is mine,” I said.

Colette’s disbelief and tenderness abruptly twisted.

Rage tensed her figure as she spun around and glared at her parents.

“How could you? You told me he left with some girl he’d fallen in love with.

That he chose someone else over me. That he cheated and couldn’t face me to tell me the truth!

I can’t believe I never connected why you made sure that Azelie never got too close to his parents or Mawmaw.

You convinced me to support that stupid fucking colored contact lens, because of bullying when in reality you were hiding Azelie from Ford and his entire family.

Because he never even knew! You-You-You told me he fell in love with another woman, so I told you that was impossible and I was pregnant with his baby as proof.

I believed he’d come back for such a long time because I just knew that wasn’t true, but this entire time… ”

Her mom rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t going to let you have anything less than you were deserving of.

So yes, I lied a little. I also knew you were pregnant before you said anything because I found your pregnancy test in the trash weeks before graduation.

I had to stop all of this. Everything was to protect you.

And to protect Azelie. This…This boy doesn’t deserve Azelie or you, and you know it! ”

“You’re right,” I said and stepped forward.

“I don’t deserve either of them. But I damn sure would’ve spent every fucking moment of the rest of my life doing whatever I had to do to maybe someday earn that privilege.

But you took that from me. You took that from Colette. And you took that from Azelie, too.”

“They had Liam! Liam was good for them, much better than you,” her dad finally said.

I glanced at Colette and gave her a tender smile. “I bet he was. And I’m not looking to replace him.” Tears once again swelled in her eyes as she stared back at me. “I’m just asking for a chance. At least to—to be a dad to my daughter, even if you can never forgive me for leaving.”

“How are you not mad at me?” Colette blurted out.

“Because you were doing exactly what I did fifteen years ago. You were protecting someone you love,” I answered. Her eyes sparkled beneath the lullaby of tears.

“And now? Is that what you’re doing now?” she asked.

“I’m tired of secrets, Cher. My entire career is a job full of secrets.

The past fifteen years have been nothing but secrets and lies that destroyed something beautiful.

I’m so grateful you found love again with Liam because you truly deserved it, even if, for a brief time, that love wasn’t for me.

I’m okay with that. In fact, I can’t wait for the day I meet him and get to shake his hand because I know how lucky he is to have been on the receiving end of Colette’s love.

So yes, I’m protecting the woman I still love, have never stopped loving, and the girl I hope might consider calling me Dad someday.

” I took a cautious step toward Colette.

Everything was out in the open. All the answers to the holes in life had been answered.

Out of something so cruel and dark came a bridge over the chasm the past fifteen years had created.

A bridge that I couldn’t cross on my own.

Colette had to meet me halfway. If she didn’t, I understood why and would accept it. But oh, how I wanted her to.

“No. I won’t stand for this,” her mother inserted. “The worst thing for Azelie would be to have you as her father.”

“Ford’s my dad?” Azelie’s innocent voice sliced through the tense air, and Colette stiffened in front of me.

Silence stretched like yarn in a loom. My heart raced in my chest as everything came crashing down around me.

I’d opened this bag of worms by confronting Colette this way.

Now, instead of giving Colette time to process and then decide how she wanted to proceed, Azelie had to find out by overhearing a damn conversation.