Page 10 of What I Should Have Felt (Anchors and Eagles #4)

FORD

M y mawmaw gestured to the front door as I quickly scurried back to where I’d dropped my duffel and rucksack. “So, I figured this time I’d show up with my resumé and—”

“And what qualifications does being a Navy SEAL get you when it comes to restaurant work?” she quickly inserted and grabbed the door handle.

“Well, not much, really, I guess. But I wasn’t—”

“Then you need a new plan because that won’t work.”

“Mawmaw, if you let me finish, I wasn’t going to ask to be hired, but to simply volunteer.” Shrugging the rucksack on my shoulders again, I hoisted my duffel from the ground and faced my mawmaw, who stood in the entranceway, holding the door open.

“I’m not stupid. I know y’all are drowning in debt and can’t afford to pay someone else to help at the restaurant. I also know all about this Robert O’Connor shithead.” I bounded up the porch steps two at a time and slipped by her into the house. A smile crept onto my face. I’d been right.

Everything was exactly how it had been when I’d left it. The same worn-down burgundy carpet to my left was adorned with floral-patterned couches, where the same cushions that were hollow and sunken from often being sat on waited.

At the far side of the room, beside a massive grandfather clock, rested my mawmaw’s wooden rocker. The stain was weathered, and the vibrant blue color the seat had once been was worn to a dull gray, and several crocheted blankets still draped across the back of it.

The wall splitting the living room and kitchen area on the other side had yellowed with a few pictures sitting askew above the couch that rested against it.

The curtains hanging in front of the massive front window were dusty and used to be a beautiful green color, but now they were so bleached I wasn’t even sure if they had the same floral pattern I could’ve sworn they once had.

Mawmaw shut the door and then quietly walked into the living room, settling into the rocker with a heavy groan. “Your parents kept your room just as you left it. They only went in to keep it clean, though I made sure they didn’t look under your bed, so there may be a few cobwebs left.”

I shook my head with a smile and kicked off my boots. “Believe it or not, Mawmaw, I didn’t keep any naked magazines under there.”

“Oh, I know. Just a certain box full of pictures of one single girl.”

My eyes widened, and I froze. She couldn’t know. There was no way she knew. Nobody had known. Colette and I had been way too sneaky and careful after nearly being caught by one of her cousins .

“What are you talking about?” I questioned, feigning innocence, and slowly rose from my squatted position after removing my shoes.

I lifted my gaze to her, and she rhythmically rocked back and forth as her eyes closed and a smile drifted upon her lips. “Don’t worry. I never told anyone.”

“But…how?” I raised a brow.

“I’m your mawmaw. I know way more than you’ll ever realize about everything.”

“So, do you also know why I left? Like why I really left?” I cautiously asked, hoisting my rucksack up my shoulder again.

She nodded as the wood creaked with her steady movements. The clock ticked behind her in tune with each shift of the rocker.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Or call? Or convince me to stay and fight?” I asked, unsure how I was supposed to take this news. Fifteen years. I’d gone fifteen years without seeing my family, and yet, Mawmaw had known this entire time.

“Because, my boy, I fear if I’d let on I knew, things might have turned out for the worst. Besides, you know I never really cared about the feud your pawpaw and his family had with the LeBlancs.

I fear you got your desire to avoid conflict from me,” she quietly explained and planted her feet firmly on the ground.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

Her eyes opened, and it was as if I were looking in a mirror.

Regret as clear as what filled my own heart haunted her gaze.

“I’d hoped you’d choose differently. Every piece of me clung to that as I watched you and Colette go from innocent friends to everything more.

I hoped you’d somehow become the fighter and protector you are now.

But you didn’t, and that’s on me. I failed to help two teenagers be wild and in love.

I failed to keep the damn burden of this petty rivalry from destroying something beautiful and innocent.

” A tear streaked down her cheek as I swallowed whatever bubble of confusion and pain that was swelling within me.

“I don’t understand. How is any of this on you? You’re not the one who gave the threat,” I replied as her jaw began to tremble.

“No, but I knew about it and didn’t step in.”

“Mawmaw, what the hell are you saying?” I blurted out.

“I’m saying you’re not the only one who ran away from their problems when they shouldn’t have.

And somehow, instead of teaching you differently, I shoved that onto you.

You only became the man I’d hoped by leaving, by learning it from someone else, somewhere else.

” She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “I am truly sorry.”

I stared at her as shock coursed thick through my veins.

“You knew about Colette and I this entire time, you knew why I really left, and you still let—” My voice broke as it hit me.

I’d never needed to leave. She’d already known.

Someone else had already known. If I’d just stayed and fought like a real fucking man, none of this shit would be happening.

Someone else would’ve been able to help me protect Colette.

All of the pain and heartbreak I’d caused was—

“All of this was for nothing?” I cried out.

“You knew this entire fucking time? So I could’ve stayed.

Colette and I could’ve had— could’ve had a damn life together.

” My chest rose and fell sporadically as rage and confusion ticked like a time bomb set to go off in my heart.

“But because I thought us being together would’ve gotten me or you or mom and dad fucking killed, I—” I slammed a fist against my chest. “I fucking left. When I could’ve—”

And suddenly I couldn’t finish speaking.

She wasn’t to blame. I’d made my own choice as an adult, but giving her the blame took some of the regret and burden off my shoulders.

“I could’ve stayed and been with her,” I finished as my vision blurred. “Fifteen years, Mawmaw. I destroyed everyone and everything I loved because I thought…” I paused as she remained silent.

“You were the one person I thought…” I couldn’t even bring myself to speak.

Wait. Was I being irrational? Was I overthinking this? I mean, technically speaking, only she knew. Which meant my parents still had no idea, and how much protection could I have actually offered?

I slowly shook my head. “It wouldn’t have changed anything, because of who I was then,” I finally muttered.

“Which is why I didn’t say anything, my boy,” she whispered. “Be angry at me, it’s okay. I would be, too.”

I closed my eyes. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. And we would’ve never worked because of me.” A soft snort escaped my nose. “I was a fool. And a coward.”

A gentle chuckle pierced the dense air, and I cracked my eyes open again.

“You were no coward, Ford. You were young and naive, and barely eighteen. Those were and still are her parents. Even as a grown man, you still have to face them. I am sorry, Ford. But no matter how much I hoped you’d stay, I knew you couldn’t. ”

I exhaled slowly, letting my shoulders fall. She was right. Too much had been at stake back then. Colette herself had been at stake, and yes, even my own life. “Mawmaw?”

She raised her brows. “Yes, sweetie?”

“What if I had stayed?” I asked.

Her chest rose, and she resumed rocking.

The chair shifted back and forth slowly, once again in tune with the clock that ticked beside her.

The sun blazed brightly through the window to my right, dancing sparkles across the wall where yellowing pictures hung.

My gaze caught sight of the only one not hanging off kilter.

The only one without a speck of dust on it.

The picture in the very middle of the wall, directly centered above the couch, was mine. My military portrait.

Part of me wished I’d stayed. Maybe everything wouldn’t be so damn awful now. Maybe I wouldn’t be filled with so much regret. Maybe Colette wouldn’t absolutely hate me. And maybe, just maybe, we would’ve found a way to be together. Or maybe neither of us would even be here to have a second chance.

I’d become someone entirely new since leaving.

Someone I no longer recognized in the photos that scattered the rest of the wall.

I wasn’t that same, timid boy. I wasn’t the same kid who finished every fight Colette started when she wasn’t watching.

I wasn’t the same boy who had run away at eighteen.

Maybe running then had been easier. I’d left a world where everything I’d wanted, I couldn’t have had.

Of all the things that had changed, that hadn’t.

I still wanted those same things. Or rather, that same person.

I wanted her. I wanted my family back, and I wanted Colette. Even though she’d changed too.

Coming back clearly wasn’t the easier choice. Avoiding facing the consequences of choices I’d made was always easier. But facing them, owning them, and getting what the fuck I wanted was worth it because I had fucked up. And most importantly, I wasn’t scared of her fucking parents anymore.

I couldn’t dwell on the what-ifs any longer. That wouldn’t change them.

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone about Colette and I?” I finally asked, and she stopped rocking.

“And tear you two apart sooner?” She raised a brow.

“Are you going to say anything now?”

She slowly shook her head. “I don’t think there’s anything to say, seeing as Colette stabbed you.”

I pinched my brows together. “How the hell do you know that?”

She grinned wickedly. “I know everything, Ford. Now, go shower. You really do smell.”

I stared at her for a moment longer and then turned away.

She didn’t know everything. Not really. Not anymore.

Because Colette stabbing me hadn’t meant that she wanted nothing to do with me, but that she was still pissed.

She wouldn’t still be pissed if she didn’t still feel something for me.

I loved my mawmaw, but this time, things would be different.

Fuck the rivalry that was still there, fuck the threat that had forced me out of town fifteen years ago, and fuck O’Connor. I wanted her. Period .

I would get what I came back for.

Because I wasn’t that kid anymore. I was someone else entirely. I was a monster who danced with the devil daily. And I’d have what I wanted because I had nothing left to lose.