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FORTY

MARA

DECEMBER

We stood at the skate rental counter in a cold-as-shit baseball stadium in Denver. It was a family skate day before the New Year’s Day Winter Classic game, where two rival teams get to play outside.

“You’re sure you don’t need your cane,” Jack said, eyeing me skeptically.

“I am entirely the person in charge of my own health, sir.”

“Yeah, but sometimes you push through the pain,” he argued.

“Yes because sometimes that’s what I need to do to get better. Every day’s a little different. You know this.”

He huffed, looking out over my head. “What about your blackouts? Will you hold a hockey stick or something to lean on?”

I chuckled. “I don’t think that’ll help, buddy. Worry about you and the kids. I won’t be out there to help you.”

He twisted his lips, eyes scanning over me. “And you’re not going to feel left out?”

“No. I’ll be perfectly content watching you guys be cute. I’ll take pictures. Maybe I can con Gabi into hanging out with me. She hates skating anyway. Look, there she is. Let’s get their skates on so I can corner her.”

Jack pouted. “I’ll get their skates on. Go be the social butterfly.”

Click .

I held the fancy camera Jack had gotten for me, blushing when I thought back to the pictures he had on another memory card.

“You’ve got it bad for him,” Gabi teased.

“Shut up or I’ll make you go skate,” I threatened, holding the camera up to my eye to hopefully cover my tomato of a face.

“Don’t you dare. I don’t ice.”

Nikita shot Gabi the dimpliest smile after fake-blocking one of his teammates’ kids’ shots.

“He wants you to so bad, Gab. Look at him. All he wants is for you to like that thing he likes.”

“I do plenty of liking what he likes,” she said, checking her nails. “I’ll get out there when he agrees to do some of the stuff I ask for.”

Gabi and Nikita were still an item, and she pretended to hate how sweet he was. Really, she wasn’t used to guys who treated her nicely and didn’t just shoot her a dick pic with a “pic?” request back.

I could understand that. It can be hard to trust a good thing when everybody just wants something from you. I tried not to butt in and just let it all play out. I also didn’t want to make it a “we should date boys from the same team!!!!!” situation. She didn’t need any extra pressure.

Especially when I was married to a boy from the same team.

But on the whole, she was charmed beyond belief. Truly, in disbelief over his sweet nature.

I puffed my lip out. “Poor thing doesn’t want to hurt you.”

Gabi shrugged. “He doesn’t get that I want to be hurt.”

“If you wanted to be hurt, you’d go out on the ice and he knows that.”

“You are so damn annoying!” Gabi said, punching me in the shoulder.

“Ow! I’m fragile!”

“Right, I forget you’re the one that dishes out the blows,” she said, raising her eyebrows at me.

“It’s really a shame you’re not into me,” I sighed. “We could really have something special. I like to give and you like to take.”

“Nope. Just goofy dudes who are too nice for their own good for me,” she huffed. “We’re not going to last much longer if we don’t meet in the middle. He’s got all that brawn and won’t give me any of it.” Nik skated our way and Gabi started whining at him. “No. No. Please don’t. Nikki.”

And yet, her broad smile was unstoppable when he skated onto the bench area.

“Hi, Mara,” he said. “Mind if I take her?”

“Be my guest,” I said, gesturing to Gabi.

“Fine,” Gabi groaned, but if I knew anything about her, she was entirely melting. She delicately put her hands in his as he stepped her out onto the ice.

“Camera down, O’Connell.” The gruff voice I knew all too well approached, spraying ice just to the right of me.

“Why?” I called back. “I’m fine here. I’m getting good pictures.”

“Camera down, or else.”

“Or else what?” I challenged him.

Jack leaned across the wall to grumble at me. “Or else I’ll be totally obedient and you’ll hate that.”

I clutched both sides of his face to kiss him, knowing that would embarrass him, but instead, he had a face-splitting grin. “Camera away, sweetheart. I’ve got something to show you.”

I conceded, putting the camera in its bag behind me. When I straightened and turned back his way, Jack’s hands groped my butt, tugging me flush with the wall. “Over we go.”

And over I did go, Jack lifting me to his shoulder and taking off skating. I squealed and beat his back as I was helplessly draped over him. “No! This is not something to show me!”

“I’m showing you how fast I go,” he laughed, securing me by clutching my thigh. “Hold on tight.”

I heard a “go, Mommy!” from Aspen as we sped by, Nikki and Gabi standing with our kids. My stomach was a knotted mess as it felt both intrinsically dangerous and so safe. His arm went to his shoulder to support my upper body as he skidded to a stop, making sure I didn’t fall off from the force. I slid down the front of his body, and he held me up so I could stand on his skates.

Jack’s eyes moved over my face as he panted from hauling my ass all over the rink, essentially speed skating a circle.

“I was fine being on the sidelines, Jack.”

Jack held back a big smile. “You don’t belong on the sidelines, Mara. You’re always the main event.”

Tingles rippled through my body at his sweet words and I raised on my toes and hooked an arm behind his neck.

Jack’s eyes searched mine as he laughed, looking down at me so affectionately, and I felt it. We were in love with each other. I loved Jack Leroy, and I had no doubt that he loved me too.

Surely we’d had enough time. Surely he knew I wasn’t going to run off. Surely he knew I was in it for the long haul, and not just as part of a mutually beneficial arrangement. Surely he knew I loved him for who he was, and not just what he could provide me.

His kiss at that moment was everything. It was the joy and the pain, the late night confessions and the way we cared for each other. It was the birds and the laughs and the power struggles and bickering.

It was us.

Jack watched me with starry eyes as we parted, still standing on his skates with our faces close. “You make me so happy.”

That was the most I was going to get. He would never say it first. He couldn’t, and I knew that. But I could say it to him and maybe, just maybe, he’d start to feel it. He’d start to believe in what we had. He’d know it was more than an arrangement.

“I don’t need you to say it back,” I started, and his face dimmed. Maybe I was just imagining it. He had to be ready. I was delivering it as softly as I could. “But I love you, Jack.”

His lower lip tucked into his teeth the tiniest bit and his face was an impenetrable mask. He was still smiling, but his eyes went dead. Then the smile started to slip.

“Don’t overanalyze it,” I pleaded.

“I’m not,” he said, but his voice cracked.

“Just take it. Feel it. You have me. All of me.”

His eyes flicked over my face. “Okay.”

“Mama!” With Nikki’s help, Hazel skated our way, latching onto my leg. I stepped off Jack’s feet onto the ice and bent to pick Hazel up. But she wasn’t really after me. She reached for Jack.

“Dah-yy Yack!”

We both gasped. This was a first. We hadn’t forced the kids to call us any certain name, letting them choose whatever felt the most natural to them.

“Hey, Hazey Mazey,” he said, taking her from me and the life returned to his expression. “You’re skating like a champ. Did you just call me Daddy?”

“Pose for us!” a photographer on the ice called. We pivoted toward her and I put my hand on Jack’s arm, both to hold me up and show that we were together. After she thanked us, I turned to Jack, tugging on his arm for a kiss. Maybe if I just kept being affectionate, he’d take love in stride. At some point, he’d say it back. He just wasn’t ready right then, and that was okay.

Hazel leaned in for kisses too, getting a cheek kiss from both of us.

“Okay, this was fun but get me off this danger sheet, please,” I said.

Jack flashed a grimace of a smile, clearly distracted. He let me hold onto him while he escorted me back to the bench. I stood at the edge of the rink, giving him one last quick peck. When he pulled back, his expression was like he’d been holding his breath. He grimaced harder. “We’ll just wrap up out here and get these guys some hot chocolate, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, giving his forearms a squeeze before letting him go.

I knew he was scared. I knew he didn’t believe me. I knew he was afraid of what it meant for me to love him.

I just hoped he could feel how genuine I was being.