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THIRTY-NINE

JACK

DECEMBER

“Let Mama go next!”

Our first Christmas as Leroy, party of six, was going great. We successfully got a family picture for the Christmas card, hard launching our new family. We had fun making chocolate chip cookies into shapes for Santa on Christmas Eve, reading Christmas books together, and taking the kids to some event where they had fake snow in L.A.

The kids had opened most of their presents and were having a blast playing with their new toys. I crawled under the tree and pulled out a small box reserved for Mara. “Here you go, sweetheart.”

Mara leaned to give me a kiss from where she sat on the ottoman. “Thank you.” Her eyes were warm. “What do you think, Hazel? Can you help me open it?”

Hazel sat on Mara’s lap while she tore at a corner of the paper. I had the box engraved with a note.

I’m always just a call away

Mara puffed out her lip. “Jackie.”

“Open it!” I prodded her.

She lifted the clamshell lid and found a necklace inside. “Oh, Jack, it’s beautiful.”

“So, if you slide that part to the side, it’s an alert necklace. If you ever get into trouble, press that button and it’ll call me and 911. It’s also got a location tracker on it, which you can turn off if you don’t want me to know where you are.”

Mara extended her arms to me. “Thank you. It’s so thoughtful.”

I lifted up on my knees to make kissing her easier. “I want to keep you around. I want to be able to help you if you need it. And I might have gotten you something else too.”

“Jack. Now my present’s going to look stupid.”

“Never,” I said. “Give it to me. Now.”

Mara drew back. “Greedy!”

“Here it is, Daddy,” Harper said, carrying Mara’s present to me.

Mara’s face went red and she covered it with her hands. “Mar, you know I’m going to love it.”

“It’s so weird, though.”

I shot her a look and recruited Jace to help me tear the paper. A lump rose in my throat. I wouldn’t be able to speak without crying.

“What is it, Daddy?” Jace asked.

Mara looked at me sheepishly. “I thought you could commune with your yard friends.”

Inside the box was a hat with a face shield with a set of small hummingbird feeders at the bottom.

Sydney had always made fun of my love for birds. She said I was weird, and that I was lucky she still fucked me with that kind of interest.

But not Mara.

Mara knew it was important to me, and she seemed to make it her mission to bring me closer to things I loved.

“I still have the receipt. We can send it back?—”

I didn’t say anything. Instead, I scooted over to wrap her in a tight hug. I kissed her neck, leaving my nose buried in it, inhaling her soft scent. “Thank you.”

Sydney’s gifts for me were always something expensive, something she liked to mold me into some image for her. Mara’s acknowledged who I really am.

“You’re welcome,” she whispered, not even acting like it was weird that I wouldn’t let her go. But I couldn’t get over it. It was so strange, finally being seen for who I am. “Try not to let the birds shit on you,” she joked, her breath soft on the shell of my ear.

“It’s good luck if they do,” I said, pulling at my nose as I let her go. “One more present for Mommy. It’s a little heavy.”

I reached under the tree and extracted the package, a big one. As Mara tore back the paper, her face lit up and her jaw dropped.

“Jack. Is this signed?”

I swallowed hard, grinning. “Yep. I won’t lie, this one’s kind of for me too. I thought it could go in our room.”

It was a framed, signed vinyl of My Chemical Romance’s Welcome to the Black Parade, the main song we’d used to shake off our wedding day jitters. Mara peeled the paper back more and her eyes welled. “Jack, seriously?”

I couldn’t stop smiling.

“It’s us,” she said through her tears. “Our wedding. Did you, like, call the band for this or get it second hand?”

I chuckled. “Second hand, Mar. I’m not that famous. They wouldn’t give a shit. Then I had it framed with our picture.”

“Daddy, don’t say ‘shit,’” Harper said.

“It’s Christmas. It’s a holiday. I can say whatever I want. And burp and fart and stuff and not say excuse me,” I argued. The kids all giggled at that.

“Can I fart?” Aspen asked.

“I don’t know, Jack. Do the rules apply to everyone?” Mara asked.

“I say yes.”

As the kids celebrated and went back to their playing, Mara and I wandered into the kitchen to get breakfast started. When we were finally alone, I pulled Mara close, tucking some hair behind her ear. “Thanks for the gift. I can’t wait to attract some yard pets.”

“You ever go birdwatching?” she asked.

“Sometimes. In the summers, I like to go to Catalina Island. They’ve got a lot of uninterrupted habitat.”

Mara raised on her toes to kiss me. “Take me sometime?”

“Of course.” I rubbed my nose with hers. “Merry Christmas, Mara.”

“Merry Christmas, baby. Ooh, hey I’ve got something else for you, but I couldn’t have you open it in front of the kids.”

“Naughty girl,” I said, rubbing her ass before she stepped to the hall closet, pulling a wrapped gift off a higher shelf.

“Here you go,” she said, dropping it in my hands and peeking around the corner to make sure the kids were occupied. She shot me a thumbs up.

I ripped the paper and lifted the lid of the box to find a black leather collar with a gold plate on it. It was engraved with “GOOD BOY.”

“Mar,” I whispered.

“Open the next layer. We don’t have much time.”

I lifted the piece separating the bottom part of the box and found a set of anal plugs. “Jesus Christ, Mara. Those are huge!”

“We don’t have to. Just an option if you’re curious. If you don’t want them, I’ll try them. But there’s something else in the very bottom.”

I pulled out the final layer to find a strap and a terrifyingly sized dildo. “Fuck.”

“Too much?” she asked with a devilish gleam in her eyes.

“It’s—I—wow. I guess I never thought about it.” That was a lie. I’d absolutely thought about Mara fucking my ass, and thinking of it then made blood rush to my groin. It was just scary, both asking for it and the possibility of how I’d feel about it. I wasn’t afraid of a little pain; I was more afraid I’d like it too much. What if that was the only way I could get off from then on? I was afraid I’d be opening a box I couldn’t close.

Mara stood in front of me, grazing her hand over my hardening cock. “You don’t have to decide right now. Just leaving that door open for you if you want to try it.”

I nodded, my throat too dry to say anything. I was overwhelmed. The collar was so fucking hot, belonging to her, being good for her after being bad, but the plugs and strap-on were a new level of intimacy I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

I trusted Mara. Every day that she spent caring for our kids, every time I got a picture of our kids when I was on the road, every time she sent me a sexy picture of herself, every night that we spent huddled together in bed, and yeah, every time we had sex, I had more and more faith that maybe this wasn’t just a matter of convenience and us making the best of it. It might be something real.

“Merry Christmas, Jackie.”

“Thank you,” I whispered before another kiss. We were interrupted by Mara’s phone buzzing. She groaned, lifting the screen.

“Shit, it’s Bryce. Aspen! Hazel!” Mara called, heading back into the living room. “Your dad’s on the phone.”

My ooey gooey moment was ruined. I’d tried to shove thoughts of how to manage the Bryce situation to the back of my mind. Mara couldn’t know, not until I knew more.

I needed to confirm where he was before I made a plan.

If that fucker was on American soil, much less Californian, and still lying about being in Nepal, I’d make sure he paid for his lies.

Sydney made me sick in the ways she didn’t want to deal with our kids. Bryce was worse because he fully bailed. At least Sydney took partial custody.

Bryce used to play hockey? I’d remind him how it feels when someone dishes out a solid punishment.

I was shocked by how quickly my blood boiled and rage built in me. Since JP’s accident and my retaliation on that kid, I’d learned to hone my anger into more useful settings, like my sport. Was I getting too close to the deep rage that made me almost kill somebody? Was I too dangerous? Should I have told Mara so I could get a less emotional decision?

With a deep breath, I decided I needed to mind my business and focus on the present. No reason to ruin a perfectly good day with a guy who wasn’t even important anymore.

I had a family to cook for. My family. Not his.