Page 60 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

O?ver the past few weeks, the baby was all Barrett could talk about.

Seeing its face. Hearing the heartbeat. Whenever Margaret called, he'd step outside and give me a quick glance and mouth, Sorry.

I hated it but also understood. I knew I needed to be the better person.

I knew I needed to support Barrett in this journey--his journey.

I'd never forget the happiness that resonated in his voice when he showed me the envelope containing the sex of the baby.

"Elle, I'm having a son! A son, can you believe it?

As soon as I heard his heartbeat--oh my God, I can't explain it.

I knew in that moment that I was in love with someone I've never technically met.

I know that I have to be this little boy's father in the best way I can.

" His eyes were gleaming. "I wish you could have seen it, Elle. I wish you'd been there."

I tried to smile and reciprocate his joy, but the thought of a baby moving in Margaret's stomach was unappealing to me. The baby was due in June, so only a few more short months until a new baby Henry was bouncing around Boston. I bet he'd inherit the crystal-blue Henry stare too.

I didn't tell anyone my plan. But I knew the day he left for the appointment that I had to end things with Barrett Henry, and I'd spent the past month trying to convince myself otherwise.

When he came home full of determination to right the wrongs of his father, I knew my life didn't fit into the equation.

Barrett and I had that pure, profound love.

Our connection was deep and would forever have an impact on my life.

But we were at a crossroads, an insurmountable barrier that neither of us could compromise on without sacrificing a part of our happiness or identity.

He was home in Seaport working when I arrived in athletic clothes with Louie.

"Hey, babe! I wasn't expecting you this afternoon.

Did I tell you that Margaret took a video of her stomach moving and sent it to me!

I still cannot believe that this is real.

" He noticed my soft smile and resigned gaze.

His smile slowly transformed into a delicate frown and his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Elle, you have Louie. Is everything okay?

" His voice was a tense mixture of apprehension and calm.

I took a deep breath. "I came to bring him home." My voice cracked as I handed him Louie's leash.

His demeanor changed immediately. The anxiety rolled off his body, and his eyes widened while his breathing came in irregular bursts. "Elle, what's wrong. Let's figure this out. What's wrong?" he urged as he dropped Louie's leash and allowed him to roam through the condo.

"Barrett, I've been thinking--"

"No!" he demanded. "No!"

I gave him a sad smile and continued. "Barrett, I've been thinking, ever since you went to the appointment, you adore this baby. You can't wait to be a father."

"Elle, please." His sobs and cracked voice forced tears to begin streaming down my cheeks. "Please, don't do this."

"Barrett, I love you. You know I love you, but I can't do this. I can't be a mother and compromise that part of myself."

He began pacing, shaking his head and wiping tears from his face. Louie felt the anxiety in the room and began pacing as well. Eventually, Louie stopped by my legs, jumped up with his paws, and scratched at me, telling me to pick him up.

"Elle, stop. Please stop. We can figure this out. I won't have custody the whole time. It'll be fifty-fifty. The baby won't be around that much. Our lives won't really change. I promise. It won't change."

"Barrett, it will change." I walked over to him and reached for his hand. Louie followed. "You are going to be the best daddy that baby could have. He is so lucky to have you to love him."

He looked down, shoulders trembling with every sob. "We can make it work." His voice was barely a whisper as I opened my arms and wrapped them around him. Crying into my shoulder and holding me tight, he murmured, "Elle, I need you. I love you. I'm so sorry I've been distant."

I could feel his tears soaking through my T-shirt, and my own tears were bleeding through his.

"I've been so stressed with work and the baby coming, but I choose you, Elle. I choose you."

We were both crying, the ugly, heavy tears that happen when you can't imagine taking one more breath. This was a heart-wrenching experience I'd never wish on two people. We belonged together, had dreams and aspirations together.

"B, I can't. If we stayed together, we would of course love each other, because I'll always love you, but we would grow to resent one another.

It's inevitable. I wouldn't feel fulfilled, and I don't want that.

Not with you. I cherish every moment we had together.

I cherish our real, very real love. I cherish you, Barrett Henry. "

He lifted his head, and his blazing crystal-blue eyes penetrated deep into my soul.

I continued, trying to get the words out before my sobs took over again. "As much as I want to choose you, I choose me."

He tilted his chin down and began sobbing harder. "I love you, Elle. I love you."

"I know." My voice broke and I couldn't hold back the tears. They were flowing down my cheeks, and my heart felt like it had been stomped on by an elephant. "And I love you. I brought Louie back since you were his daddy before there was an us."

Louie was whining on the floor, so I picked him up in my arms and tried to hand him to Barrett.

"No, Elle." A sad, understanding smile flickered on his lips. He stepped back, away from Louie. "If there's anything I've learned together with you, it's that you are a fantastic mother."

Confused, my eyebrows drew together and I narrowed my eyes.

"A fantastic dog mother." He walked up to me and Louie and kissed me on the forehead. Then he leaned down and peppered Louie with kisses.

"You're the goodest boy, okay, Lou? You're gonna stay with Mommy while Daddy figures things out.

I love you, little Lou." Barrett lifted his head, and his voice was slightly stronger.

"Please keep him. I know we will get through this, maybe not as partners, but I think as friends.

I'm sorry, Elle. I fucked up. I really fucked up, but you're the best home for Louie now.

Will you keep him for me? In a way, you'll always have a part of us, yeah? "

With Louie in my arms, I leaned into Barrett's open arms. His chest was shaking with his renewed sobs, and I wrapped my free arm tighter around him.

Louie leaned up and tried to lick the tears from his face.

"Yes," I sobbed, "a million times, yes."