Page 47 of Unconventionally, Elle

I felt my stomach turn upside down once she was out of sight.

I rushed to the closest bush away from the crowds beginning to file outside and heaved.

I have no idea how long I threw up. I don't know how long I was outside.

Mid-heave, I felt Barrett's hand on my shoulder and then looked up into his beautiful eyes.

"Elle?" Barrett pulled me into him, warm and secure. "Are you okay? What happened? C'mon, babe. Let's get you home."

"Barrett," I sputtered. "Barrett, I know," I choked out through my tears. I wiped my face and mouth on my jacket and sniffled back more tears.

Barrett's face dropped, and before he could say anything to me, his mother walked up from behind him with Olivia and Emma.

"What is it you know, dear?" Mrs. Henry remarked with cautious concern.

I didn't want to do this--not here, not now.

Instead, I heaved one more time and let Barrett pick me up and carry me to the car.

His strong arms cradled me, and his woodsy scent soothed my overactive mind.

He gently lowered me into the passenger seat and snuck a soft kiss on my forehead before closing the door.

I watched him walk over to his family, and all of them argued with animated gestures and loud voices.

I couldn't hear them clearly, but a few times, Emma looked over at me with big blue eyes full of pity.

Barrett's jacket was on the seat next to me, and since he was a few feet away with the others, I slipped my hand into his coat pocket and grabbed the note.

10 a.m. Jan. 7

Dr. Sillos

Be there.

The majority of the drive home was uncomfortably silent. Not only was my love life an episode of Real Housewives , but my manuscript was due in seven days and I still had to write the third-act breakup and happily ever after.

"Elle, how did you know?" Barrett finally asked as he turned onto my street.

Eyes puffy and head pounding, I looked over at him with exhaustion consuming my entire body.

I didn't want to talk about it. I mean, what the fuck?

We were happy and everything was going so well.

The only fight we'd had was about custody of Louie should anything happen.

Now it felt like we'd foreshadowed our own fate.

"I walked outside to get some fresh air, to wait for you." I exhaled a weighty sigh. "And I ran into Margaret. She told me... accidentally." I kept my eyes forward, watching the bare trees pass us by.

"Accidentally?" He quirked an eyebrow and glanced my way.

"Yeah, I was walking to the benches and noticed she was on the phone, so I stayed hidden, hoping to avoid her.

Well, she saw me and thought I heard everything and knew about the baby.

" I leaned forward and massaged my temples.

I sat back up and continued, my right hand lightly massaging my forehead.

"Spoiler, I didn't know until she raged at me.

" The frustration was winning over my exhaustion, and my voice felt hotter, like a momentary burst of adrenaline rushed through my body.

He released a heavy sigh, then trailed his hand from his weary face down to his neck, where he rubbed his tense muscles.

"Look, I'm really sorry. It was before I met you. I swear. You know I'd never cheat on you." He looked over again, this time his eyes pleading.

"I know it wasn't while we were together. I gathered as much," I said wearily. The adrenaline was waning again.

"I had no idea until she approached me at the funeral. I'm still--my mind is reeling." He groaned and hit the steering wheel. "Fuck!"

His voice vibrated through my chest, and I kept my eyes on him.

"But, Elle, I... I'm sure we can make arrangements. I..." Slow tears trickled down his face.

"I know," I said again, my voice feeling heavier as my headache intensified.

He parked in front of my building and shut the car off. "Are we okay?" His voice cracked at the same time as my heart. I reached for one of his hands and gently squeezed.

"Barrett, I have to write." I gave him a tender grimace and kissed him on the cheek. "I also have a headache from hell, so this all feels so bleh."

I turned to open the door, but he continued in a whimsical manner. "It could be cool, I guess." He kept his eyes unfocused and straight ahead. "Maybe Margaret and I can split custody or something. There has to be a way this will work for everyone."

Irritable and ready to go inside, I spoke before I thought about what I was saying out loud.

"I don't want to be a mom. I didn't ask for this. I don't want to raise a child. I don't like Margaret, and I don't want her to be a part of our lives." Fire was burning in my chest, and my head felt like someone had a dagger in my temple. Oh my God, I was going to be sick.

"You don't want to be a mom?" he asked quietly.

"Seriously, that's the only thing you got from that rant?

" I snapped. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut.

It was fine, I was going to be fine. "No.

I've never wanted to have children. I don't dislike them; I just don't want to take care of one or to be responsible for them. I want to have my own life."

His expression fell, and he lowered his head to the steering wheel and groaned. He sat back up and looked at me with heavy eyes. "Just because your parents left you doesn't mean you wouldn't be a good mom."

"Excuse me?" My voice rose an octave with his assumption.

"It's a parent thing, right? You don't want to be like them or something?" he said, trying to explain himself.

"No, it's a me thing. I choose my life over having kids. I don't want them, and it's my choice, and now with Margaret, I feel like the choice has been made for me in our relationship."

Something in Barrett snapped. "Sometimes we don't have a choice, Elle. Sometimes life deals us a shitty hand and we have to take it. I don't want to be a dad right now."

"I refuse to accept that. I refuse to believe that we have to accept what life gives us," I replied irritably.

"Stop living in your dream world--or whatever you're writing about--and come back to reality for a minute.

Shit happens you can't control, bad shit.

You have to deal with it and do your duty.

I don't want to run this company, but I have to now.

I don't want a child with Margaret, but I have one coming.

" His jaw was tight and his knuckles were turning white on the steering wheel.

I felt the angry tears streaming down my cheeks.

"How dare you! I know the real world. I choose to acknowledge that everything is a choice, because otherwise, what the fuck are we doing here?

You had a choice to sleep with her. Now you have the choice to raise your child. I also have the choice not to."

"What does that mean?"

I was fuming. I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't see straight. "Barrett, I think you should go home tonight." My chest constricted as I felt a surge of anxiety. I winced as my head viciously throbbed.

"What? You aren't serious?" he stammered.

"I can't be with you right now. I can't think. I don't want to argue anymore. I don't want to talk about the baby or Margaret. Please just leave." I opened my door and got out of the car.

Before I shut the door, he shouted, "Elle, tomorrow is Christmas!"

I started running and didn't look back.

Once inside, I collapsed on the floor and heaved. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying. Louie came to me, licking my tears and nudging my head up. I was finally strong enough to crawl to the bathroom and lie on the floor.

I was in between sleep and awareness, still on the bathroom floor. I thought I heard the front door open but was too tired and sick to care. I felt a warm hand touch my forehead and then lift me gently into strong arms.

"I'm sorry, Elle. I couldn't stay away." Barrett's voice was the last thing I heard before sleep overcame me.