Page 49 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

I told Tina everything that had happened since our last visit. I recounted every detail and feeling. There was Mr. Henry's death, the funeral, the baby news, even throwing up behind a bush.

"I have no idea what's going to happen." I squeezed a white linen pillow to my chest and looked at Tina on my screen. I wanted her to fix what was happening, but how? How could she make everything go back to the way it was before his father's funeral?

"So Margaret is definitely having his child?" she asked.

"Yes, or so she says. See, I'm not so sure. I was going to tell Barrett to get a paternity test, but I couldn't get it out of my mouth. I'm hoping he's smart enough to do it. At the end of the day, it's not my choice." I groaned into my pillow.

"That's true, but it does affect you, Elle.

You are his girlfriend, maybe even wife one day, right?

You are part of his life and he's part of yours, so both of your decisions will affect the other.

True, you can do things independently, but now big decisions are ahead.

" She wrote something in her notebook and then sat back up, readjusting herself and grabbing for her cup of coffee.

"What did Barrett say to you about all of this? I'm curious to know if Margaret proves the baby is his child. Is that what you want, Elle? Have you both spoken about this further since that night?"

My chest squeezed a little tighter. I didn't want to admit to myself or out loud that our future came down to my desire of being a mother or not, specifically regarding a child that wasn't mine.

And truly, I did not want to be a mother.

But I didn't want to lose Barrett. I squeezed the pillow tighter, and my upper back spasmed with new tension.

Saying words out loud made them real, and I was terrified.

"He hasn't been home much over the past few days.

It's just been Louie and me at my condo because he's working so late at the office.

So, no, we haven't talked about it in depth since the funeral.

I'm scared, Tina." A tear trickled down my cheek as I stared at her on my screen.

"I'm scared that if we talk about it, when we talk about it, things aren't going to work out. "

"Elle, I know this is a very hard decision to process, but it is something that deserves your attention and thought.

Your feelings surrounding parenthood are important, as are his.

Both of you honestly sharing your feelings surrounding this change, and the future, is an important part of the process in making the decision that is best for both of you. "

"You know, people always told me I'd change my mind.

But this feels forced upon us. Upon him.

I love him so much that every time I think about what our future will be like if he decides to be a part of that baby's life, my heart cracks and my stomach drops.

I never wanted to be a mother because I wanted to live my life in whichever way my future partner and I decided.

Travel whenever we wanted. Be financially secure.

There's so much responsibility with little humans that I don't desire.

Being a mother, it never appealed to me.

The day I decided I didn't have to do what was expected of me as a woman, I felt this huge burden lift from my shoulders.

It's simply not my cup of tea." I chuckled to myself before continuing.

"But being the cool aunt at a T-ball game? Yeah, that I would like to do someday."

"You have a few choices here, but ultimately, if you don't want to be a parent, you need to talk with Barrett sooner rather than later.

If that baby is going to be a part of his life, then it's going to be a part of yours.

If that's not something you want for yourself, then you need to ask yourself if this relationship is what you want.

Are you settling? Are you giving up your ability to choose?

What do you want and what is okay for you?

You aren't stuck, you aren't married, and you have some say in this matter. It's your life too."

I woke up earlier than usual and watched the sunrise from my balcony. The streets were quiet, the city was still sleeping, but today was my big day. It was New Year's Eve and my manuscript was due.

I'd finished my first draft around eleven p.m. the night before.

Barrett had been sleeping. Most nights lately, he didn't make it home before midnight, and he was exhausted as soon as he walked through the door.

Barrett Henry, CEO. It had a ring to it, but damn did it have contingencies too.

Late nights, high stress, limited time for himself. The list went on.

I knew he needed the sleep. He left for Miami just a few hours later--four a.m. I think? But I'd had to tell someone that I finished my first draft! I had texted the girls and Finn last night. I knew Sarah and Rach would be sleeping, but Finn was a fifty-fifty shot.

He'd texted me right back.

AHHHHHH! You did it, Ellz!! I'm so proud, so fucking proud! We need to celebrate! xo

I told myself that today would be a spell-check-and-send-it kind of day.

After weeks of writing, I felt confident that even this amateur first draft could catch an acquiring editor's or agent's attention.

Yet, even with my confidence, I felt the weight of imposter syndrome.

As the sun rose higher, light came through my French doors and into my living room, gently reaching onto my couch and kissing my knees.

I'd written the book, but how could I share it? I'd never done something so incredibly vulnerable. I felt exposed and I hadn't even submitted it yet. I wasn't even sure I'd finish the novel in time--that was my biggest fear until today. Now, what if no one liked it?

The validation of this competition was turning me inside out. But so was the fact that my grandmother had won it years before me. I wanted to make her proud, make myself proud. Finish her story and live the life of a writer, like she had dreamed.

Once I submitted my manuscript, then it would be up to the judges--a Harvard literary professor, an acquiring editor or two, and a few agents.

They didn't release names, which makes sense, or the exact number of judges.

At least Margaret isn't on the panel , I thought to myself and laughed as I lifted my morning coffee to my lips and Louie jumped onto the couch beside me.

I'd vaguely heard Barrett leave this morning, and I already missed him.

We still hadn't discussed the baby. It was almost as if avoiding the discussion kept us in our safe little bubble.

It was going to pop, I knew it. But until then, I was going to cherish every ounce of our relationship as it was now.

I pulled out my phone and looked at my recent texts: Finn, Sarah, Rach, Em, Barrett.

.. and Jude was at the very bottom. I hadn't talked to him in ages, and for some reason, I wanted to tell him so badly that today I was submitting my book.

My finger hovered over his name, but I decided better of it.

I scrolled back up and went to Instagram instead.

I looked through my feed and noticed that my Instagram had become a place for baby announcements and Christmas decor sales. I rolled my eyes and shut the app.

After changing clothes and gathering my computer and notes, I grabbed Louie and left for the coffee shop.

I felt bad leaving him while I wrote and Barrett was away.

I told myself he was used to being home alone, but it hurt my heart too much to leave him.

After a few visits to the café and management's approval, Louie was officially their unofficial mascot.

The little guy had been extra clingy and needy lately, so I made sure to give him lots of kisses and keep him in my lap while I wrote.

"Heya, Elle, same as usual?" John, my barista, asked as I walked up to the counter. "Oh! Little guy is with us today? Does he want his usual too?"

Louie's usual was an espresso cup of whipped cream, and he borderline expected it every time he came to the café with me.

I adjusted my backpack on my shoulders and nodded, giving John a thankful smile.

My table was open, so I set my things down, placed Louie to my side, and started to get my laptop out of my bag.

While my head was down, I noticed two feet standing next to me.

I looked up, and it was John smiling with my latte and Louie's puppacino.

"Oh, you deliver now?"

He laughed and set my latte on the table, carefully away from my laptop.

"Only for you, Elle. How's the book coming? Still working on it?"

I let out a large sigh and slumped into the booth.

"Yessss. I'm done with the overall draft. But oh my gosh, this was so much harder than I anticipated. Today is editing and submission day!"

His eyebrows lifted in amazement. "Wow. Way to go!"

"Yeah, but it's not quite ready to be submitted. I need to make sure it's formatted correctly and that spell-check doesn't catch anything too obnoxious, ya know?" I brought my latte to my lips and melted into the first taste of honey and lavender.

"Gotcha. Well, let me know if you need any more fuel along the way. We're rooting for you." He winked, and the girls behind the counter waved and gave a thumbs-up.

"They all know?" I asked, surprised.

"Oh yeah. Finn's been in here bragging on you, saying you're writing a bestseller. We can't wait to read it. Though, I knew you were already writing it, of course." A gentle chuckle escaped his lips.

"Well, I can't wait to get you all copies, then. Thank you again for bringing me the latte. I so appreciate all of you." I gave him the biggest smile I could muster and then slipped my headphones in my ears so I could start looking over my draft one last time.