Page 38 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

I couldn't stop crying. My tissue was crumpled in my hand, and my laptop screen was blurred from my tears.

Tina and I started my session five minutes ago, and I started crying less than sixty seconds into the video chat.

I continued telling her about the tense Thanksgiving dinner with Barrett's parents and how they'd attacked my and Barrett's life choices and desires--well, Mr. Henry was the real aggressor.

"It wasn't even the fact that his dad seems to think so little of me--it's the fact he thinks I'm after their precious family money!

" My voice was shaking with fury through my tears.

"I don't want their fucking money. I can make my own.

And the way Mr. Henry talked down to Barrett--oh my God, I thought Barrett was going to explode.

" The tears were streaming down my face, hot and constant.

My head throbbed, and the pain radiated around my eyes and temples.

"We both know you are more than capable of taking care of yourself and making your own money.

You've proven that to yourself before and now.

" Tina was calm and firm with her words.

I knew it deep down, but hearing this validation from her, this reminder that I could provide for myself, felt reassuring.

I know I'm an independent and strong woman , I thought to myself.

"You're right, and I know that too. I forget more often than not, but I know I'm capable.

It's just--they made me feel so small. So wrong.

And Barrett feels the same way. It's why he and his dad don't really get along.

His dad just belittles his dreams and calls him foolish.

" I took a deep breath; I could feel my mind being torn in so many tangents and directions.

Me, Barrett, success, his family, my book, my grandparents.

It was as if my brain was scanning through traumas, decisions, and relationships and hadn't chosen a station yet.

I continued, staring at Tina on my laptop.

"Mainly, his dad made me question my worth, and I've never felt so inadequate. "

"What do you think your worth is?" Tina asked thoughtfully.

I considered her and my thoughts. At first, my negative thoughts broke through. You're nothing. You know you're faking this. You don't really belong here. You're not a real writer. You don't have nearly as much money as Barrett does. You can't support yourself like him.

But then I flipped it around. I shifted my mindset and let my real voice speak the truth.

"I have worth. I'm not a gold-digger faking achievement or success.

I belong here. I am a real writer with worth because I create.

I'm vulnerable yet brave. I had financial success, and I will have it again.

I am worthy. I know I am enough. I am simply enough.

" It felt like a chant, affirmations repeating in my mind as my words echoed in my living room.

"You are certainly enough. And you are more than worthy of the life you are living. I'm so proud of you, Elle." Tina was beaming on the screen. "I know the situation you came from in NOLA, but now, in Boston, do you feel happier? Have you thought about what your success might be?"

I let my heart answer her questions again. "Yes." Nights with Barrett came to the forefront of my memories. Yoga with Emma and Pilates with Finn. Running on Comm Ave and writing in coffee shops and the library. "Yes, I'm happier, and I know that this was the right decision."

Tina nodded as I continued to stare dreamily over my laptop, thinking.

"I was almost to that dark place again." My voice hitched. "When that email came, when I quit, when everything felt ungrounded. I didn't want to be there; I didn't want to be here."

"Here?" she prodded.

"Alive." I turned my gaze to hers on the screen. "The little scandal with Chris and Mr. Landry was the straw that broke the camel's back, but the camel was already broken."

Tina nodded in understanding.

"If I hadn't left when I did, even though it felt like it was out of nowhere and I was devastated, I don't know how much longer I could have stayed strong.

I was exhausted. Even now, I'm tired of being resilient.

But there in NOLA, I was alone." I hugged my decorative pillow close to my chest and rested my chin on top.

The pressure of the pillow against my body was calming and grounding.

Tina opened her mouth to speak, but I continued my train of thought, cutting her off.

"I know I have Rach and Sarah. Again, my brain knows that, but I felt so isolated.

The grief of Grandma never really went away, and Jude--I needed to leave.

I'm happy here. I'm free. I think for the first time in a long time, I'm alive and living instead of simply existing. "

"I tend to agree with you. You seem better mentally since you left New Orleans.

Of course, we are human. We are never going to be perfect or feel one hundred percent.

We have anxiety, we have doubts, and we have hard times.

The ebbs and flows of life will always exist." She paused and drank a small gulp of water.

"This life, while better, isn't going to be easy.

And I know you are aware, but I also want to remind you that you are a resilient woman who will handle any obstacle head-on with fortitude and perseverance.

You don't quit. You don't give up. Your worth is not dictated by your productivity or what someone's father thinks of you.

" She raised an eyebrow to make her point.

I stared at her with a shy grin and more tears gliding down my cheeks. My mind was trying to comprehend all of Tina's validation and truths.

"And you know what?" I added. "It's been a while, but in addition to you, of course, I have so much support.

Sarah, Rach, Finn and Jackson, Barrett, and Emma--I have real friends.

Real support. I don't need his parents to understand.

Barrett already does." I smiled to myself as I talked my thoughts into existence.

"We all have different callings in life, Elle." Tina smiled, her eyes empathetic and understanding. "And you're lucky enough to know what yours isn't. You never belonged behind a corporate desk; you belong behind a writing one."

Later that night, I was typing away on my couch and listening to a rom-com podcast when I got a text message from Rach asking if I was free to FaceTime. Since it was after eight p.m. her time, I knew something was up and immediately called. She answered on the first ring.

"Elle!"

"Rach, is everything okay? It's late, and we don't talk this late unless one of us is having a midlife crisis and quitting their job, so I hope that's not the case and obviously that no one is dead. Actually, I'm sure you would have led with that, right? Because that's kind of morbid and--"

She cut me off before I kept going down the rabbit hole of possibilities for what prompted this video chat. "No, no, nobody is dead." She let a small grin peek through her lips, and then she pressed them back together in a serious way. "I'm up for a promotion at work," she said quickly.

"Oh my God, Rach! Congrats! That's awesome, isn't it?"

She wasn't smiling. Why wasn't she smiling? "And Josh just found out that his job is transferring him to New York."

"Oh fuck." It slipped out before I could censor myself. I noticed her cheeks glistening on my phone screen. "Rach, you're crying!"

"No shit, Sherlock," she said with a tearful grin. "But, um, yeah, and if he doesn't take the transfer, then there is no job here in Saint Louis for him." Her voice quavered.

"What about your job? Is the promotion available in New York?

Your company has an office there, right?

" My heart was breaking for her. I knew the pain and anxiety this decision brought with it.

Last time, I chose my career and so did Jude.

But Rach and Josh, God they'd been together for years. Would this be it?

"That's the thing, the promotion isn't guaranteed and it's only for the Saint Louis office. New York doesn't have the position open."

"Rach?" My voice was full of contemplation and reflection.

She replied with a throaty "Yeah?"

"So what exactly are you leaning toward? What about if you kept your current position in New York and skipped the promotion? Is that option available?"

"That's the thing--I don't know, Elle. I'm so fucking torn, and I asked already.

My position is full there. I don't know what I would do.

" Her frustration was beginning to peek through the grief of the decision.

"I want to move up. I want to break glass ceilings in my career.

But Josh and I are serious. I mean, shit, we're talking about marriage!

You don't throw that away. We have to think of each other, right?

" Her eyes were pleading, and I felt like I was suddenly in a very small room.

Jude and I had been lightly discussing marriage as well, but we did throw it away.

"I mean, that's what they say," I replied lightheartedly. "We both know I'm not the pro of this kinda thing." I felt shame heat my cheeks as I remembered my conversation with Jude. Remembered choosing to end things... again.

"Right." She looked at me with a quizzical lift of her brow.

"So I have to think of his career now too, but what do you do when they're at odds?

I really don't know, Elle. I want him to take the job, but at the same time, I want my promotion.

I've worked so damn hard, I deserve it." She sighed as she lifted her arms up and rested her clasped hands on her head.

"Jesus, how do things get so complicated? "

"Josh is going to support you, and you know I will too," I said after a few quiet moments. "When do you officially talk to your boss about the promotion?"

"We have a meeting set for this Thursday, the first," she replied with a hopeful tone.

"Oh, okay, that's the day before I leave for Nantucket. I'll have my phone on me, waiting. You'll have to keep me posted and let me know what happens!"

"Again, no shit, Sherlock." Her wry grin was sassy, and her brown eyes were bright and almost caramel against her jet-black hair.

"You'll make the right decision... for both of you. You're too good for anyone to lose. Josh included."