Page 58 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

In the roaring club, our table was silent. The tension was thick and heavy.

"Remember what I said to you, Elle Belle?" Jude was looking at me and only me.

I nodded slowly and said, "Let me catch you. Please, I'll do anything, let me catch you!"

"You saved her," Finn said, eyes wide with awe.

Jude didn't look away from me. It felt like if he did, I'd fall apart, and he knew it. He only nodded silently.

A tender smile spread across my lips. "He wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to be in New York."

"I was," Jude said, eyes on me.

"He caught me," I whispered as my heart throbbed with the memory of Jude's strong arms around my body as I collapsed, cold with shock and grief.

I forced my gaze away from his and looked back to the rest of the party.

"So, yeah, what was it you said, Sarah? We definitely have history.

" A shy smile crossed my lips as I glanced back at Jude.

Later, and after somehow avoiding all conversation of Barrett, Jude grabbed my hand and leaned over to my ear. "Dance with me?"

The boys were already on the dance floor, and Sarah was fielding texts from James and looking at pictures of her two girls in New Year's Eve glasses with their daddy. She really was the best mother.

I'd told myself earlier that I was sticking with champagne the rest of the night, but after sharing my almost-suicide story, I went back to tequila.

I'd had one too many tequila shots and quite a lot of champagne over the course of the evening, so even though my head said, No, no, no , my heart said, Get the fuck out on that dance floor.

Jude led me into the crowd. It was 11:55 p.m. and everyone was getting ready to watch the ball drop. "Levitating" by Dua Lipa was blaring across the speakers, and my body instinctively swayed.

Jude yelled the lyrics to the song as our bodies moved together. His hands held my hips, and I leaned back, my arm up around his neck. It was sexy, it was steamy, it was intimate.

His body felt familiar, and his arms were still strong and safe as he ran his hands down my body. We fit perfectly together like we had all those years ago. His hips moved; my hips moved. It was hypnotic and sexual.

With less than a minute till the ball dropped, I turned to face him. "I Wish" by Joel Corry was playing. I pulled his head down, forehead to forehead, and sang to him while two tears crawled down my cheeks.

He held my face in his hands and sang back to me, the sweat on his forearms gleaming in the club lights.

Thirty seconds left before midnight, and someone tapped Jude's shoulder.

"Champagne?" It was Finn. He had champagne for us for the countdown, and Jackson was behind him, looking at me with narrowed curious eyes.

Realizing how close I was to Jude, I pulled away and took the champagne. The countdown began.

"Ten! Nine! Eight!" we all yelled together.

"Seven! Six!" Jude wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

I couldn't resist. I was facing him again, my arms around his neck, one of his strong hands on my waist pulling me into him, the other cupping my face. It was just us.

He mouthed the remaining seconds: Three. Two. One.

"Happy New Year!" rang through the club.

Confetti canons erupted and everyone was grabbing someone to kiss.

To my left, Finn and Jackson were making out, and in front of me, Jude Ashford leaned down, our noses barely touching, his lips a whisper away from mine.

I knew I shouldn't. I knew it was wrong.

I had Barrett at home--well, technically in Miami--but hell, I had his dog at home.

I closed my eyes, anticipating Jude's soft lips on mine.

But nothing happened. He didn't kiss me. I opened my eyes and watched, confused, as Jude tilted his head away from my lips and gave me a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"Jackson said you're with someone," he murmured softly in my ear.

When did Jackson talk to him alone? I thought to myself.

"Guys talk in the bathroom too." His devilish smirk made heat pulse low in my belly.

My breath became jagged; I wanted him. My body ached for him. Jude, my Jude. No! Barrett. Your Barrett. Get it together, Elle. My mind was in anarchy, and my heart was in mutiny.

"Yes," I murmured, my voice barely more than a whisper.

His hand was still on my face, and I leaned into his warm palm.

Then it was gone. "Then you're still not mine," he said, leaning back from me with a sad smile, eyes full of longing.

"I'll have to catch you later, Elle Watson.

" He took his hands off me but reached for my hand and lifted it to his lips.

He kept his golden-brown eyes on mine as he leaned down and lightly kissed the top of my hand.

He stood up and, with a sultry grin, lifted his champagne glass in a toast before turning away. Jude Ashford silently disappeared into the crowd of strangers from which he had emerged only hours before.

Jude was back. Three days later, and he was still at the forefront of my mind.

Barrett had texted me on New Year's Day to let me know the Miami deal closed and he'd be home soon.

When he got home last night, he gave me a kiss and walked straight to the bedroom.

I followed him in and saw him stripping down to get into bed.

He glanced over his shoulder, gave me an exhausted grin, and melted into our bed with Louie snoring beside him.

I grabbed my laptop and sat on the bed next to him so that I could work on some freelance work and be close to him. I'd missed him and hated his empty side of the bed. Louie was only snuggable until he started farting, then all bets were off for a good night's sleep.

This morning started off like any other day would for us. I made the coffee, Barrett drank it with me on the couch, and we put on SportsCenter . We still hadn't talked about the baby or Margaret, and unfortunately, reality couldn't be avoided. Her appointment was in three days.

"I know this is a bit of a touchy subject...," he said after a deep sigh.

I was sitting sideways on the couch with my legs over his lap. Just by the tone of his voice, I knew the conversation we'd been avoiding was finally here.

"... but Margaret's appointment is on the seventh. I've been thinking about it, and I really think I should go with her."

I kept my face blank. Breathe, Elle. Breathe , I said to myself. "Okay." My voice was flat, and I saw Barrett's lips tighten and his jaw twitch.

"Okay?" he mimicked, irritated.

"Yeah, that's fine. I mean, you have to go, right?

It's your baby and all, and you're going to go anyways.

" The first punch was thrown, and my petulance was unmistakable.

Why did I feel like I had to fight with him?

I guess I was still wrapping my head around the whole situation.

I knew this was the conversation that could break us. Actually, I was fucking angry.

I saw the frustration transform his face. His brows pinched together and his eyes narrowed. "You know, Elle, it would be a lot easier if I knew you were behind me in this." His blue eyes pierced through my offensive attitude.

Jude flashed across my mind. Stop it! No , I thought as the memory of his lips hovering over mine made my spine tingle.

"Barrett, it's not easy for me at all. I already told you how I feel about this situation, and I'm trying to accept it.

But it isn't going to happen overnight. Accepting this is compromising a piece of myself, and really, I promise I'm trying to support you in any way I know how, but I'm not okay with this.

I'm not okay with another woman having your child.

I'm not okay with it being Margaret. I'm not okay. "

"What are you saying, Elle?" His voice changed. He was corporate Barrett now. Firm, unbreakable, stoic.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

Jude: Elle, call me. Please.

I hesitated. What could this be about? He never texted me out of the blue.

Jude: Please. It's Mom.

Barrett was glaring at me, waiting for me to answer his question.

"I... I don't know. Okay? I don't know what I want," I said, distracted. He scoffed and I held up my phone. "I need to take this, okay?"

His facial muscles tensed, a mixture of shock, confusion, and frustration.

"You can't be serious?" he began, but I was already standing and walking to the bedroom, calling Jude.

"I'm here, Jude." The words fell out of my mouth as soon as I heard his voice on the line.

He was sobbing.

"Jude, Jude, what's happened?"

"My mom, Elle. She passed away this morning." His sobs were messy and raw. I felt the familiar pit in my stomach.

"I'm coming, Jude. Okay? I'm coming. Send me your address."

A few moments later, I had his address and a plan to get to NYC. Barrett, the baby, my future, my book--none of it mattered to me right now. Ava, Jude's mother, had always had a special place in my heart. She'd stubbornly refused to believe her son and I didn't love each other.

I walked into the living room, and with all the power I could muster, I looked at Barrett and held back my tears. "My friend's mother passed away. I told him I'd come." A tear escaped and trickled down my cheek.

Barrett saw my flushed face, and his features softened. "Okay, okay yeah. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with you?"

A small grin crossed my lips. "No, it's okay.

I appreciate you offering, though. I'll be okay.

" Another tear fell. I rubbed my cheek with the back of my hand and sniffled.

"We can, um, finish the baby conversation later?

" I said, trying to offer an olive branch.

"I promise to try harder at understanding, okay? "

He gave me a soft, tired smile. "Okay, yeah. Sounds good, Ellz. Oh, but hey, where is your friend? Are you going to be home tonight?"

"Yeah, I think so. He's in New York. I just don't want him to be alone, ya know?" I crossed my arms over my middle and held my elbows.

"He?" Barrett's ears perked up.

"Yeah, my friend from NOLA, Jude."

Barrett nodded slowly in acknowledgment. I'd never told him about Jude; in fact, I'd never talked about him to Barrett at all.

"I should be home tonight. If not, first thing tomorrow, okay?" I added before going back to the bedroom to pack a bag just in case.

With a resigned gaze, he threw the punch I wasn't expecting. "Elle, you're going to go anyway, right?"

Jude was broken. He answered the door in only his boxers, reeking of whiskey and weed.

When his eyes met mine, his upper lip began to tremble.

His unkempt hair and tearstained cheeks pierced my heart like a dull blade, so I opened my arms and held him in the biggest hug I could offer.

I wanted to relieve the weight of his grief and give him refuge.

By the time he calmed down, it was ten p.m. and way too late to catch the train back. So I stayed. It was like old times, except it wasn't. His mother, Ava, was gone. Our home together was gone. Our bed was gone.

I thought of Barrett as I built a pillow wall down the middle of Jude's bed. I'm not cheating, I'm not cheating , I thought to myself as I isolated my side of the bed--the same side as before with Jude. That's when I realized he still slept on his same side of the bed from our relationship.

"Thank you for staying, Elle Belle. I... I don't want to be alone," he muttered as he helped me stack pillows in the middle of his bed. His body looked like it was going through the motions of surviving. He resembled a shell of the boy I loved: distant, numb, and aloof.

"Hey, I'm glad I can be the one here for you. It's my turn to catch you, yeah?" I gave him a quick wink and started to fluff my pillow. A large sigh caught my attention, and my gaze went back to Jude. He was sitting on the bed with his hands on his head.

"I love you, Elle." His voice trembled with raw emotion.

"I've always loved you, and ahhhh..." I could see the frustration swirling in his mind.

Our history was so rich, so deep. "I just, I love you and I hate that this.

.. us isn't possible. I hate it." It was barely a whisper, but my chest tightened with the weight of his words.

Each one a bittersweet reminder that I had Barrett at home.

I remained silent as words eluded me. Jude lowered his head in understanding, and two tears traced a jagged path down my warm cheek.