Page 22 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

The Cirque du Soleil performance with Finn was exhilarating.

He was with me while I interviewed performers, the show director, and most importantly, the costume designer.

I felt confident my piece was going to blow Olivia away and was honestly shocked by how much circus fashion affects the fashion industry in general.

Finn and I stayed out after the performance and went to the Ritz for cocktails.

"Espresso martini." Finn glanced at me and noticed my cheeky stare. "Actually, make that two." The bartender smiled and walked away to make our drinks.

"They're good here?" I asked as we took two seats at the bar.

"Oh, the Ritz has the best in town. I hate to say that with so many killer local spots, but there's just something about the bartenders here." He winked.

"Oh yes, his butt, right?" I chided. "I mean, it is rather perfect." I smiled and chuckled behind my glass.

"Elle, I'm an ass man till the day I die, but while he does have a perfect ass, Jackson's is even better." He tipped his head and smirked.

We were both laughing when the bartender came back with our drinks. I tried to give him my credit card, but Finn dramatically took it from my hand and threw it on the floor.

"Absolutely not, Ellz. My treat for my favorite writer."

"Thanks, best friend." I leaned over and kissed him on his stubbly cheek.

I raised my martini and gave him a nod to raise his.

I started the toast that Jude and I had created in New Orleans an entire lifetime ago.

"Here's to a long life and a happy one, best friends and hearts won, an espresso martini. .. and another one."

Two days later, I sat with Finn again at our coffee shop table.

"You turn it in?" Finn asked as I tossed my bag into the booth next to him.

"Yep, I had to have my first draft to Olivia within forty-eight hours." I leaned back into our oversized booth in the corner. "It's done, Finn. I really did it."

"I'm so proud of you, Elle. Ya know, off topic but not really, I heard a group talking over by the couches about a writing contest going on right now.

" He looked at me and then continued. "Apparently, it's been a bit of a tradition in the Boston literary community, and they have a knack of getting debut authors published. "

My ears perked up. "Wait, what? You caught all of that just walking by?"

He shrugged. "Okay, well I eavesdropped a little, but yes, I got the gist of the conversation."

Sitting up, I remembered my grandmother's note hanging on my wall. "What's the name of the competition?"

"Oh, um, let me think." He pinched his brows and shook his head. "Literary Times something or other." He pulled out his phone. "Okay, yes. It's the--"

"Literary Times Challenge," I finished for him.

Finn raised his eyebrows and gave me a sideways smile. "You've heard about it, I presume?"

"It's the competition my grandmother won in the seventies. Remember? I showed you that note hanging in the living room. This is that competition." I shook my head in disbelief. "I didn't know it was still going on."

"Ohhhh, no way! Yeah, like I said, it's a bit of a literary tradition, apparently." He gave me his phone, and I scrolled through the rules and regulations.

Over eighteen? Sure.

Unpublished? Definitely.

Write a full novel by December 31, 2022, at 11:59 p.m. EST? Fuck!

"Oh my God, write an entire novel in a few months, that's insane." My eyes were wide as I kept scrolling, my chest tightening.

"I think you can do it," Finn said with absolute certainty.

I looked up at him in disbelief.

"Please, seriously?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Definitely. Why not?" he responded with a shrug.

I kept scrolling and reading. The winner would be chosen in March, and the grand prize included five thousand dollars and the opportunity to speak with acquiring agents and editors.

"Holy shit," I muttered.

"I mean, your Grandma Di won it. Why can't you, Elle? I feel like it's a sign I heard about this. It's the same competition. C'mon, you have to enter now." He put his hand on my arm and squeezed. "I think you should try."

"I don't know. If I don't win, wouldn't that prove I'm not author material? God, and my grandma. I feel like I have to win because she did. If I don't, I... I don't know."

"Ellz, I think Grandma Di would be so proud of you for just trying." His voice was soft and comforting.

"I know she won, right? But even after winning, she still didn't truly believe that writing was a career." I kept staring at the web page with the rules.

"From what you've told me, your grandmother was an extraordinary writer, and she only stopped because she was not quite encouraged but told it wasn't her path.

She had kids and had a family; you aren't in the same place as her.

You have more freedoms and choices than she did.

" He sat back and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You're right, I do have more freedoms than she did. They married young." I looked away from the computer and into Finn's chocolate-brown eyes. "You really think I should go for it?"

He nodded encouragingly.

"Elle, you know I wouldn't lie to you. I think you need to take your shot. Make Grandma Di proud."

I bit my lip and tried to make sense of the chaos in my brain.

Five thousand dollars would be nice and would certainly help keep me afloat until I had a few more freelancing sources.

But I'd never written a book. I wondered if Grandma Di had ever written a book before the competition.

She never elaborated. I wish she could have published.

I wish she could have followed her dreams. But like Finn said, I had the chance to follow mine and do it for myself and for Grandma Di.

I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "Okay."

"Okay?" he said.

"Okay, I'm going to enter." A huge smile spread across my face. "But first, I'm gonna text Rach and Sarah to let them know!" I pulled out my phone and started typing wildly.

When I'd texted the girls about the competition earlier that week, they were ecstatic for me.

Rach even offered to help me edit and proofread, but I had to remind her that exactly zero words were written so far.

I smiled when I saw Tina wave on the screen as she entered our session.

I was bursting at the seams to tell her my news.

"Tina! I'm entering a writing competition!" It felt weird to say it out loud--up until then I'd only texted it. I crossed my legs on my couch with a huge grin on my face.

"Elle, that's wonderful! That will be a great way for you to explore your writing on a bigger level," Tina said with authentic joy in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm excited. I've already started outlining." I slowly twirled a lock of hair around my finger.

"What's on your mind, Elle?" Tina asked through my computer screen.

"I don't know. I just... I'm just nervous, I guess." I took another sip. "The grand prize is a huge deal, and it would help out, ya know?"

"Financially? Yes, I can see that if it's a large sum."

"It's five thousand dollars."

She paused for a minute. "Wow, that is certainly substantial.

But remember, if you don't win, it's not the end.

You still have your freelancing and you're a hard worker.

" She adjusted her thin navy-blue glasses on her nose and continued.

"Elle, I'm wondering, what encouraged you to sign up for this writing contest? "

"My friend Finn." I laughed and wrapped my arms around my middle. "But also, my grandmother."

Her eyebrows rose. "Your grandmother? How so? I know you adored her."

"Oh, you know what? I don't think I mentioned it really, but my Grandma Di was a writer too."

Tina tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brow. "No, we haven't talked about that. Elle, that's incredible. What an inspiration!"

"Yeah, she did it after she and my grandpa married, before they had children. But she quit." I took a deep breath. My grandmother's forgotten dream had never sat right with me. "She quit because my grandpa asked her to move to NYC and wanted to start a family."

"You seem upset by her choice." Tina was sitting cross-legged on her sofa as well. She leaned forward and rested her chin on her fist.

"I don't get it. I mean, I do, but I don't. She won this competition, Tina. The exact one."

Her eyes widened and her lips formed a small O.

"I feel like I need to win. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't, but I want to win for both of us. I want to live my dream so she can have hers too."

"Elle, that's truly beautiful. I know she would be so proud of you," she responded softly.

"I know, but also, I need to prove to myself that my writing is good enough.

That I can really write, just like she did.

She gave it all up for a man. I won't do that.

I didn't do that before; I won't do it now.

" I rolled my eyes. "Not that there is a man to speak of at the moment, but yeah.

I think that's my big problem with her decision. She gave it all up for a man."

"It sounds like you have a deep need to validate your talents and abilities.

Elle, this is completely understandable.

I hear that you have conflicting feelings about your grandmother's choices, feeling admiration for her but also frustration for her choice to stop writing.

Her path is not necessarily your path. You get to have a unique writing journey all your own. "

My sight became blurry as my eyes watered. How could my body contain happiness, grief, fear, and excitement all at once?

"Elle, you are a fantastic writer. I know that to be true."

Tears trickled down my cheeks. "I don't even really know why I'm crying right now." I grabbed a tissue from my coffee table and wiped my eyes.

"Because you're being validated, Elle. You are overcoming old ideologies of success and forging your way. That's not easy," she replied softly.

"My friend Sarah, she's a stay-at-home mom.

She loves it." I cleared my throat, holding back a sniffle.

"I'd never want that, but she did. We used to joke we'd travel the world together, but then she got pregnant unexpectedly, quit teaching art at the local college, and says she can't imagine doing anything else. "

"How did her decision make you feel? It's similar to your grandmother's choice, isn't it?"

I gave a shaky laugh. "Yeah, I guess. I never thought about it.

I never understood how Sarah could have a plan, and then it just disappears.

Suddenly, she's okay with a life that is completely opposite of what she thought her dream was.

But now I do. I think." I stared tearfully at Tina on my screen.

"You do." She understood.

"I know I want to write. I want to be a published author.

I want to be the one in control of my life and, in a way, live the life my grandmother didn't get to.

She gave in to expectations of her life.

I don't want to let society dictate mine anymore.

" My face was hot with frustration and pent-up anger.

A headache was forming at my temples. "That is the complete opposite of who I was supposed to be, who I used to be.

" My tears were flowing now, and I frantically rubbed my eyes to make them stop.

"It's okay to cry, there are a lot of emotions and a lot of barriers coming down. You are working through a lot of learned behaviors and teaching yourself to live in a different way that is very much out of your comfort zone. It's okay to feel these emotions. No one is judging you here, Elle. Cry."

I needed to get out of the house after therapy. I felt raw with intense emotions that kept overloading my brain, and I craved a change of scenery. I was sitting in the Boston Public Library in Copley Square working on my outline when my phone buzzed.

Finn: Hey, wanna go to the Pats game with me tonight?

Me: Jackson isn't going? He loves football.

Finn: No, he has to work, I have his ticket. Is that a yes?

Me: Sure, sounds fun. I'm at the BPL outlining right now.

Finn: Oh, sounds fancy. OK, I'll come get you around four and we can get a quick bite before the game.

I stopped outlining and looked at the schedule to see who the Pats were playing tonight.

My eyes went wide when I saw they were playing the New Orleans Saints.

I would definitely be a Patriots fan tonight.

I was not a Saints fan, much to Jude's dismay when we dated.

I hadn't texted or called him since that embarrassing night in New Orleans after Mr. Landry's email.

But I felt like even if he had a girlfriend, this would be a friendly chat, nothing serious.

He was a huge Saints fan, so he'd appreciate that I was going to a game, even if I wasn't rooting for his team.

I couldn't explain it, I just wanted to talk to him and tell him the news--pride be damned.

Me: Guess who's going to the Pats vs Saints game tonight?

He replied two hours later. I was about to hop in the shower when I heard the notification.

Jude: No shit.

Jude: How've you been? It's been a while.

Me: Doing all right, big changes and such. Ya know, unconventional Elle and all.

This felt easy. This was us, though. Even if we had a fight when we were together, we'd pick back up like nothing ever happened. Thinking back, that probably wasn't the healthiest communication, and here we are...

Jude: You're anything but unconventional. How are you going to the game, isn't it in Boston?

I'm anything but unconventional? He had no idea.

Me: Oh yeah. I moved to Boston a few months ago

He didn't waste any time in responding.

Jude: Damn, Elle. Boston? We're basically neighbors! Well, I'm glad you're doing okay. You're okay?

Me: yeah

Jude: Elle?

Me: yep

Jude: Elle . . .

Me: Jude, I'm fine. Long story. Anyways, just wanted to say hi and let you know that I will not be cheering for the Saints this evening.

Jude: Okay, if you say so. Go Saints.

Me: Never.