Page 53 of Unconventionally, Elle

Five years ago

O?ne month. It had been one month since I last went to sleep in Jude's arms. The pain was devastating.

When I thought my heart couldn't shatter any more, it would crack just a little deeper.

To keep the grief from consuming me, I buried myself in my work and pushed the levels of exhaustion just so I wouldn't have to lie in bed at night and think about the loss of my life.

It didn't always work. Sometimes, I'd lie in bed and scream until my throat was raw, my head congested, and my heart throbbing against my chest.

I couldn't stay in our apartment. Everything from the way the coffee machine sat on the counter to the way my clothes hung less cluttered in our closet was an agonizing reminder of Jude.

So over the past month I'd searched for a new apartment near my office downtown.

I only saw pictures before I put an application in on a luxury apartment on Conti in the French Quarter.

It had a beautiful balcony with historic iron railings and floor-to-ceiling windows that connected the balcony to the open living room and kitchen.

It was the perfect place to start over, or in all honesty, barely keep going.

I didn't reach out to him. I couldn't. And he only texted me to tell me he'd landed at JFK Airport.

I replayed our entire relationship on a loop in my mind.

I'd thought he was the endgame; he was supposed to be the endgame.

Our alchemy was transformative and magical, and I was the villain who destroyed it all.

I think that's why I was so fragile when Jude fluttered through my thoughts.

I chose my career; I chose to let him go.

I'd had the choice, and lately, I thought I'd made the wrong one.

I missed him. Desperately, deeply, and painfully.

Since he left, I'd been lost and ungrounded.

Life felt so dark, and I felt so alone. I texted the girls and jokingly mentioned that I was so lonely.

I couldn't tell them point-blank that I couldn't see the sunshine and felt like all the happiness in my life had disappeared.

I would burden them, and I couldn't do that.

I was the happy Elle. The one who had it together.

The one who always made good decisions. Forever optimistic and glass half full.

They'd never believe that there was a layer underneath the illusion.

And it was darker than all the midnights I saw.

I began to resent New Orleans, I began to resent my situation, and I began to resent myself.

Nothing was physically keeping me in New Orleans.

Nothing was physically keeping me away from Jude.

But he deserved better than me. What I did, was that even forgivable?

I knew I broke his heart, but I refused to be the heartbreak princess. I wouldn't keep hurting him.