Page 51 of Unconventionally, Elle

Five years ago

J?ude's flight was leaving at four p.m. We'd stayed up late the night before, and that last time in bed with Jude had felt like goodbye. We had to savor every kiss and every touch because this was the last time we'd be in our bed in our apartment in New Orleans.

When I kissed him goodbye this morning, he was expecting me to meet him at the airport after work. We talked about me going with him to see the city, to our new place, and to get acquainted with our new environment. He said he even had some finance contacts who could help me with interviews.

My mind wasn't made up, and he was treading lightly about my decision.

He never tried to force me to give him a straight answer, but I could feel his anticipation.

Fear was overwhelming me; I didn't want to start over.

What if I can't find a job that pays as well as the one I have now?

What if it takes me months to find a job?

What if we break up once I get there? What if. ..?

I loved Jude, but I couldn't stand the idea of having no purpose. What was my worth if I mooched off him because I didn't have a job or an established reputation? Leaving my job now would be career suicide.

It was two o' clock, and I was sitting in my office looking out at the Crescent City Connection bridge and the Mississippi River. I could still make it.

At the thought of getting on the plane, deep anxiety consumed me. I didn't want to leave. We'd have to figure this out. He'd understand; we just had to figure this out. I leaned sideways and turned on my shredder.

As I watched my plane ticket shred into hundreds of strips, my heart ripped apart along with it.

I texted him as he was supposed to be boarding.

Me: I love you, I just can't.

Jude: I understand, I just wish you'd chosen us. I thought you were mine, but something else has stolen you away.

Jude: I'll always love you. I just want you to be happy.

Me: I don't know how . . .

Jude: You'll find your way, Elle. I love you.

I couldn't respond. He was gone.

He chose himself. I chose myself.

We both chose our careers.