Page 15 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

A?fter some more fried rice, two episodes of Sex and the City , and one episode of Gilmore Girls , Rachel turned to me.

"So, I was thinking about what you said before. You know, about freedom?"

I nodded but kept one eye on the television.

"Right, well, I know that you're unhappy here, but sidenote, can we agree you have an amazing apartment? That's totally a positive, right?"

I moved my head from side to side and hummed my agreement.

"Okay, so on the bright side, then, what does your freedom look like? What's next?"

I pursed my lips and threw my head back onto the couch, looking at the ceiling. "Hmm, well, I don't know entirely." I sat back up and smirked at her. "But I do know that my lease ends soon."

"Hey, I said positives," she teased.

"That is a positive!" I argued, then grinned behind my wineglass.

"Well, if it's ending, why don't you leave? Think about it--you can go anywhere, be anything, do anything. Positives. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be?"

I thought about what she said, and it was true.

Getting out of here had always been my end goal, but I'd never had enough courage to leave my job before.

I knew money wasn't going to be an issue for a little while.

I was a conscious saver, my grandparents had left me a healthy inheritance, and though I never took advantage of it, they'd also left me a condo in Boston.

It was a historic brownstone and our little piece of Back Bay.

"You think?" I asked. "Like, Eat, Pray, Love kinda shit? Leave, start over, and figure out what makes me happy?" I laughed into my wineglass.

She rolled her eyes. "Not quite. I don't see you making it very long in India."

"Me either." I grinned. "It's too crowded and I enjoy a hamburger every now and then."

"Elle, where is your happy place? Did you ever have one?" she asked.

I immediately thought of the Boston condo and of Jude. Jude was my happy place, my safe place.

"I think this is your moment. You don't have children; you don't have a boyfriend." She wiggled her eyebrows and bumped her shoulder into mine.

"Whoa, whoa, watch the wine, lady." I moved my glass out of the way. "It's kinda hard to find a boyfriend when you never leave the office." I rolled my eyes and exhaled loudly as I flopped back onto the couch.

"True, true. But now you're done with the office. No more corporate, isn't that what you said? You aren't tied to Louisiana. Where are we going?" Her cheeks were flushed and her words slightly slurred.

Jude was gone. He'd left to follow his career and was in New York City with a new woman who called him baby .

I didn't have authentic friends here. They were all coworkers, and many of us were in different parts of our lives.

Most of the women had young children, and it was difficult to find common ground or respect with the men.

For the rest of the evening, Rach and I envisioned what my new life could look like.

"Okay, okay, how about I'm an influencer in Los Angeles?" I pursed my lips and made a duck face. "I would love to go to all of those red-carpet events. Maybe I'll meet Henry Cavill and live happily ever after!" I threw my arms open and flung myself into the back of my couch, making kissy noises.

Rach cackled. "Stop! Wait, how about you're a dog walker in Miami?"

I snorted my wine through my nose. "Fuck!" I laughed as the wine dribbled down my chin. "No. I want to be a Gilmore Girl, not a Golden Girl!"

"How about a small-town newspaper reporter? Maybe we can find you a real-life Stars Hollow!"

Now this conversation was getting ridiculous. "Find me a Logan Huntzberger and I'm there."

She tilted her head and quirked her lips. "No Jess? I always thought you'd be team Jess since you love writing so much."

I shook my head and let a mischievous grin spread across my face.

"Nope, always team Logan. I felt bad that he was pressured to work in the family business and how his dad was so controlling of his future.

He never really had a say in his life, and it was sad.

I'm a sucker for emotionally damaged men. "

"Because of course you are." She lifted her glass to mine, and a soft clink filled our silence.

"You know, I've always wanted to live somewhere with four seasons again. I miss that about New York City."

"Why don't you go back to New York, then?"

"You know why." I lifted an eyebrow and stared at her.

"No, seriously, I don't. Oh. Oh, wait." Realization dawned on her face, and she nodded in understanding. "That's right. Jude went to New York. Have you talked to him lately? Is he still there?"

I hadn't told the girls about my embarrassing call to him over the weekend and planned to keep it that way.

"No, not too recently. He texted me about his mother a few weeks ago before that meeting, but that's it.

" I shrugged and looked away, back to the TV.

Rory was having dinner with her grandparents, and Logan was with her.

"I've been thinking about a condo my grandparents left me in Boston."

Rach stopped her wineglass halfway to her lips. "Oh, Boston? I didn't know your family had a condo there."

"Yeah, Grandma left it to me in her will. It's the top unit in an old brownstone on Commonwealth. We used to stay there for holidays when I was a kid."

"Shut up. Your family owns a condo in Boston? What the hell are you still doing here? Why did you never mention it?"

"Trust me, I've asked myself that same question.

And I don't know, I guess I never really thought about it.

It's been occupied by a tenant for years.

I never considered using it myself, but I got a letter last month from the tenant, an adorable elderly lady, and she's moving in with her daughter, so it's going to be available. "

"So, wait." Rachel readjusted in her seat and took a quick sip of her wine. "Are you telling me that you have a rental property in Boston and you were still working your ass off here?"

I shrugged. "You remember when I got the call about Grandma Di?" I asked with an ache in my heart.

"Yeah, I remember." Rach furrowed her brow, and her sympathetic expression made me look away.

We were both remembering how well I'd handled that phone call. The center of my world was taken away, and Jude had already left for NYC.

"Well, only a few days before, she had been talking to me about visiting the condo again and spending a weekend in Boston together.

I thought it was odd, because of course we were renting it out, but I still told her I was too busy and couldn't take off from work.

Maybe it was some weird memory trick or death premonition for her to want to go back to Boston.

She used to tell me how much she loved it there. "

"Oh, Elle, I'm so sorry." She placed her hand on my forearm and squeezed.

"Yeah, so the Boston condo wasn't something I wanted to remember... yet. Those holidays and trips were full of great memories, but I don't know, it still hurts. And to know it was one of the last things we talked about and then I was too busy to even visit her at home, I still feel guilty."

She nodded in understanding and picked up her wineglass. "To Grandma Di and Grandpa Will."

I looked up with watery eyes. Then I lifted my glass to hers. With a shaky voice, I toasted, "To Grandma Di and Grandpa Will."

I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath.

"I want to remember now. I want to feel snowflakes land on my tongue.

" I opened my eyes and smiled to myself as memories floated to the surface.

"I want to go to Revere Beach again and feel summer waves crash on my thighs.

I want to smell spring flowers blooming in a garden and feel the crisp fall air tinged with pumpkin and spice.

" I looked over and met Rachel's warm gaze. "Am I crazy?"

Her eyes were gentle. "No. Not at all. That all sounds absolutely dreamy."

"I think so too." I smiled and brought my glass back to my lips.