Page 59 of Unconventionally, Elle

Now

Rachel and I met at Bryant Park for coffee and to catch up.

"I can't believe you just reached out to tell me you were in town, you bitch.

" Rach stuck out her tongue and laughed as we sat together at a little table with our coffees.

"You know you could have saved the awkwardness and stayed with me last night, right? " she said, lifting her brows.

"I know." I groaned. "But you didn't see him, Rach. He's so broken. He literally looks like he's just floating from room to room, hardly aware of what he's doing." Rach's brow furrowed and her face softened with compassion.

"I couldn't leave him alone," I continued. "It was a long time ago, but I remember that dark feeling, and I didn't want him to even think he was alone in this for a moment."

"You're a really good person, Ellz. Forget the fact he's your ex, you are simply good people."

I gave her a lopsided grin, my mouth pulling to the side.

"Do you think he meant it when he professed his love? Or was it like, 'My mom died so I love you' kinda thing?" she asked as we watched figure skaters going around the ice rink.

"No, I mean it was a pretty raw 'I love you.' And he was drunk." I shrugged. "We say what's really on our minds when we're drunk, right? But I felt like a total asshole. I said nothing, Rach. Absolutely nothing." I groaned and pressed my face into my palm.

"Holy shit. That's awkward." She grimaced as we watched a little kid pull his dad down as they skated past us.

"Definitely awkward, but at the same time, I don't know..." I sighed and leaned back in my chair.

"Elle, you're with Barrett. Mind you, this is Barrett Henry. You break his heart and you get blacklisted. Cheat on him? Dear God, the horrible possibilities." She shuddered and looked at me with sad, knowing eyes. "It's tough, girl. I know you still love Jude. You've always loved him."

"I told you about the baby, right?" I asked looking away and watching the skaters mindlessly.

"Yeah, that's crazy shit. I can't believe Margaret is suddenly pregnant. What do you think Barrett will do? Is he gonna help her raise it?"

"I'm not sure, I think he's torn, especially since his dad wasn't around. But I told him I don't want children, so that pulls him in two directions."

Rachel considered me for a moment. "Elle, what the fuck are you doing?"

"What?" I was surprised by her sudden shift in tone. "What are you talking about?" I pressed my lips into a quizzical grin and lifted my brows.

"Why are you with someone who is obviously about to be a dad when you don't want to be a mother? The math isn't mathing, my girl."

"It's not that easy," I replied defensively. "I can't just leave Barrett. I love him."

"Okay," she said, "but who do you love more?"

Rachel's question haunted me for two days.

Who do I love more? It was an impossible question, and she knew it.

Unfortunately, since my visit to the city, my relationship with Barrett felt like walking on eggshells; the conversation about the baby was the elephant in the room that neither of us would acknowledge.

I think I knew that if we did, our relationship wouldn't survive.

So when he came into the kitchen this morning and reminded me that today was Margaret's appointment, I felt icy jealousy spread throughout my body.

I knew without a doubt that I did not want to share Barrett with Margaret.

Part of me had been trying to hold on to hope that he would choose me and not her.

The other part of me was fairly certain that their child was going to have the best father in the world and I wouldn't get to see it.

"Okay, I'll be back right after the ultrasound, or whatever it is they do. Apparently, they're going to tell her the gender today!" His voice was bright, and he fumbled his keys in excitement.

I tried to be excited for him, but the huge pit in my stomach told me this was the beginning of the end.

"Sounds great, let me know what happens.

" I forced a smile and tried, really tried, to show him I was being supportive.

"Louie and I will be here anxiously awaiting your return. " I winked and blew him a kiss.

He was out the door before he noticed.

I stared at the door for a few moments, then turned to Louie.

"Who's the bestest, goodest boy? Can you give Mommy kisses?

" I snuggled his squishy face and peppered him with tiny, delicate pecks.

He graciously returned them with his own slobbery licks.

I looked back at my laptop and went to work on the article that was due for Olivia.

On another screen, I had a résumé waiting to download from Canva.

Ever since I turned in my manuscript, I'd felt more confident in my writing abilities, so I'd started applying for more freelancing opportunities and trying to keep my savings from depleting entirely.