Page 5

four

Hunter

M y house comes into view, and I nearly sag into the sidewalk. What I need is a car, but to get a car I need money, and to have money I’d need a real job. To get a real job, I need time, and I have zero time right now between hockey, school, and keeping an eye on Jamie.

Luckily his mother lets me live here for free and supplies food as a thank you, because coaching young players on the weekends makes me some money but not anything substantial.

I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.

I need to play hockey to qualify for a scholarship, but I also need to maintain a high GPA to keep that scholarship. If I lose either, I lose my free ride.

I am lucky I have a found family that takes care of me if I ask for help, but lately things have been so fucking hard for all of us. I don’t want to add to it.

When I was sixteen my mother died and within a week my father had kicked me out.

Lia had been close with my mom and took me in without a thought.

I’d practically grown up with her. And then there were her adopted kids, Xavi and Luci, and Jamie when he was adopted at sixteen.

Lia is an angel, and I’ll do anything she asks of me, especially watch her son Jamie after the tragic accident that killed her daughter and destroyed his body and mental state.

It’s weird to think it’s been almost a year since Luci died.

We’ve all been living in this void that doesn’t really seem real.

Living but not. Sometimes when I visit Lia, I almost expect Luci to greet me at the door with one of her big hugs.

I haven’t seen much of her girlfriend Bri since, though.

Xavi says she’s doing a little better, but I’m not so sure.

Luci and Bri were as close as two people could be.

They laughed like friends, fought like siblings, and loved like the strongest couple I’d ever seen. I should call her soon.

Walking into the house, I spot Xavi on the couch seemingly asleep.

Xavi has a boyish look that’s just too cute.

Definitely won’t say that to him, though, he’s a little self-conscious that he hasn’t shed his baby face.

It’s weird to see your friend’s baby brother now as a fully grown adult when you remember him being so little just yesterday. Time, man, it comes for us all.

His curly black hair sticks out from under the hood pulled up around his head.

His arms are crossed over his body, and it’s hard to see his face.

Shit, he looks like he’s sulking. Guilt hits me like a brick.

I should have just walked here, though logically I know that makes zero sense.

It would have taken hours. “You look like shit.” His sleepy brown eyes lift to me.

“Thanks. Back at you.”

“I’ve been calling you all morning. What the fuck happened to you?” Last night I’d texted Xavi and asked if he could stay with Jamie until after the party. I hadn’t counted on the fight, or my phone being broken. “What’s with your eye?”

“Sawyer got arrested. A fight broke out and I tried to pull him off. Broke my phone in the process and caught his elbow to my eye.” I drop down beside him, putting my arm around his shoulders.

Without any struggle he sags into my touch, and I hurt for him.

I don’t like leaving him alone here more than I have to.

This is hard on all of us, but Xavi feels it the worst, even if he is the best at hiding it.

I squeeze him to me, offering what little comfort I can.

“Sorry, I didn’t have a ride. I had to wait for the bus.

Decided to skip the afternoon.” I plant a kiss on top of his head.

I look around and it’s eerily silent. “Where is he?”

“I drugged him,” he says simply, pulling out of my hold and sitting up. Dragging the hood off his head, he runs his fingers through his curly hair.

“What?”

“He was being a dick, so I drugged his OJ.” He shrugs.

“I think he’s sleeping now. Or he’s dead.

I didn’t exactly measure.” I laugh as Xavi sets his phone down, taking a deep breath.

This part breaks my heart. Xavi is one of the most carefree, positive people I’ve ever known.

Even through all this tragedy and losing his birth sister he’s refused to let life get him down.

I know her death affects him in ways he tries to hide, and today he looks so tired. I feel like shit.

“I shouldn’t have—”

“Hey, no, I don’t mind. You’re allowed to have a life too.

He’s my pain in the ass brother. He was bitching so much last night, though, I got irritated and snuck his painkillers into his juice this morning.

For someone in a lot of pain he sure as fuck keeps making it my problem.

Take your meds. Stop being a dick.” He sinks further into the couch.

Xavi’s only twenty, but he seems to have aged years in the months since his sister’s death.

“You okay if I get out of here? I need some sleep.”

“Yeah. Thanks again.”

“He’s my brother.” He shrugs. “Unfortunately.” He sticks his tongue out teasingly.

We all love Jamie so much, even if he has made it his mission to make us hate him.

That’s why we stay, though. Jamie’s childhood was filled with abuse and neglect, so I know he’s trying his best to push us all away because he doesn’t believe he deserves our love right now.

Not getting rid of us that fast, asshole.

Nearly a year ago, Jamie, along with three other people in his friend’s jeep, got into an accident when some asshole who was well over the legal limit blew a red light.

He hit their jeep, killing the other three people along with himself.

Jamie was the only one who survived—if you can call what he’s been like since the accident surviving.

Some days . . . most days , it’s like he died too.

At least, the person he’d been. “It’s just hard being around him sometimes,” Xavi says.

I understand what he means. None of us blames Jamie for the accident, even though we know he blames himself.

But he wasn’t the one who blew through a red light drunk.

“Thanks again.”

“I’ll be here tomorrow morning. Don’t miss any more classes.” He claps me on the shoulder, and I say goodbye, still feeling guilty. Lately I wonder if things will ever go back to normal—or whatever our normal had been.

“He gone?”

“Jesus, fuck!” I clutch my racing heart. “How does someone your size make zero noise when they walk!?”

“Where the hell were you last night?” Jamie walks past me. His black hair is shaggy and sleep mussed, and his dark eyes are void of anything remotely human. It’s unnerving. At least he smells good. Forcing him to take showers isn’t fun for any of us. “You look like shit.”

“Aw. Back at you.” I blow him a kiss as we walk into the kitchen. I’m starving. While it was a nice gesture, those snacks Mark gave me are the only things I’ve eaten since yesterday morning. My insides are eating themselves. “Make me something to eat.”

“I’ll toast you a bagel. That’s all you’re getting out of me. If you’re nice, I’ll even butter it.”

“Mm, butter my bagel. Are you flirting with me?”

Jamie smirks and I’ll take the tiny win.

Since the accident, Jamie’s actively avoided taking his medication.

It’s like he tries to make himself as miserable as possible—which is his business.

We can’t force this six-foot pain in our ass to take his medication, but the issue is it’s become all our issue.

I know the drugs will wear off soon, but I’ll enjoy this version of him while I can. “That fucker drugged me.”

“Is it being drugged when it’s medication you need to be comfortable and to not be a dick?”

Jamie ignores me, putting a tea pot on the stove.

Today he’s wearing a long-sleeve shirt that covers his full sleeve of tattoos despite the September heat.

It’s something I noticed after the accident—Jamie wears sweaters all the time.

I haven’t seen them, but Xavi told me his back and chest are covered in scars.

I wonder if they ruin any of his tattoos.

I wonder if he covers them because the person who did them isn’t around anymore to tattoo anyone ever again.

Maddox was Jamie’s best friend and also the driver that night in the jeep bringing them all home.

Those tattoos are something really fucking special now.

I feel my throat tighten, and I try to swallow and not think about it.

While I definitely wasn’t as close to Maddox as Jamie was, every time I think about him, alongside Luci and even Jamie’s girlfriend Ailee who also died, it makes me sick.

Three lives snuffed out just like that. It’s so fucking senseless.

Jamie had been in a coma for nearly two weeks. He lost an insane amount of blood and couldn’t even walk for the first couple of months. Things have been terrible for all of us, but Jamie’s barely even human at this point. “So, what the hell happened to you last night?”

“Sawyer got into a fight. I tried to break it up, but he caught me with his elbow by accident. Then he got arrested.” Something I know he’ll feel like shit about. “The guy he fought also got arrested and since Sawyer was my ride I was left stranded.”

“Where did you sleep last night?”

Not for the first time today Mark comes to mind. Tall, slim, gorgeous body, low-slung sweats. His blond hair had been damp from the shower. Those baby-blue eyes. I’d never seen eyes that blue in my life. If it were any other night I would have asked for his number. “I crashed at someone’s dorm.”

Jamie lifts a cup to me, and I shake my head. Making himself a cup of tea, he sits down across from me, and I watch him quietly as he steeps the teabag before he sips his drink, not knowing what to say.

None of us do most days.

Lia adopted Xavi and Luci when they were two and five respectively.

While she’d fostered other kids on and off throughout the years, Jamie, Luci, and Xavi were the only ones she adopted, but I know that if she could have, she would have adopted them all.

She’d adopted Jamie later in life, when he was sixteen.

The amount of hell this guy has been through turns my stomach.

I learned a lot from Lia when she welcomed me into her home at sixteen.

She’s the main reason I’m going into human resources—I want to help people the way she does.

The NHL is the dream, but I know dreams don’t always come true.

I am good, but I am also realistic. I’m a queer man, and we are few and far between in sports.

I refuse to hide myself for the comfort of other people.

“The dude hot?”

That throws me off before I remember I was talking about Mark. “Yeah, uh, he is.”

“Get his number?”

“No.”

“Shame. You need to get laid and leave me the fuck alone. I will not suck your dick.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“And you’re not my babysitter. Stop acting like it. Go get some dick and get off mine.”

“I’m not babysitting you.” He cocks a pierced brow at me. “I’m not!”

“Is that why you and Xavi take shifts like you’re both clocking in to a fucking job?” Whatever. I’m not going to argue with him right now, it’s pointless.

“Xavi slipped you the good shit I see.” While Jamie’s acting like an asshole right now, I know he can be way worse.

“I’m going to kill him.” Something dark washes over his face. “Can’t even joke about shit like that anymore. Every day is a living, breathing nightmare.”

“How are you feel—”

“Nope. Don’t ruin it.” Standing, he grimaces, and pain flashes across his features.

“Let’s save us both some time going forward.

I’m never doing okay. I’m never alright.

Don’t ask. No, I am not going to unalive myself despite you and Xavi pretending you’re both not on suicide watch.

I would never do that to my mother after everything this year.

She’s lost enough. Besides, I want to live every day like this.

I want to be in as much pain as physically possible and still breathe.

It’s what I deserve. I will live out whatever miserable, pathetic life is laid out for me, and nothing and no one will fucking stop me. Not even myself.”

I feel my eyes sting with heat. I fucking hate this. Swallowing, I can’t meet his eyes, and struggle to keep the tears that want to spill at bay. I can’t imagine being him. Seeing him like this and knowing the hell he lives in is the only reason I give him grace. “I’m sorry. I won’t ask.”

Jamie surprises the shit out of me, hugging me tight from behind. For a moment I sink into the warm touch, and my shock broadens when he plants a quick kiss on the side of my head then lets me go. “I’m not going to off myself while you’re at school. Just relax. I’m not going anywhere.”

Isn’t that what someone would say, though, if they wanted to? The thing is I believe him, and more importantly, I know he’d never hurt his mother like that. Or us, I like to think. Lia is his world, and I know he doesn’t want to cause her any more pain.

Squeezing my shoulder, he grabs his cup and puts it in the sink. “Get some sleep, Hunter, you look like shit.”

As he walks out of the room, I know he said not to but I can’t help myself.

“Jamie.” He turns in the doorway, looking at me.

Jesus. Jamie’s only twenty-two but he looks ten years older.

I guess a lifetime of abuse and grief would do that to anyone.

“If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here.

” His jaw ticks before he shakes his head and walks out the door.

Whatever. I’ll call this progress.